The Daily Dump

A place where everyone (me) is welcomed to express their opinions openly and honestly. I encourage free thinking, free wheeling, off-the-cuff banter and monetary donations.

Thursday, April 21

Internet went down in my office today. It was horrendous, I can hardly explain the carnage. Grown men with families walking around, lost and helpless, not knowing what to do with themselves. At one point I heard a 40 year old women nearly scream, “I have to send an email!” I’m not saying we need the internet; I’m just saying we’re desperate and utterly hopeless without it.

Luckily I am home now and safe again, with yahoo by my side; specifically Yahoo’s "most popular photos" section. The “most popular photos” section is my own private sociological experiment. After months of dedicated research, I have come to the conclusion that, invariably, the most popular pictures will contain at least one of the following:

1. animal picture
2. freak picture
3. hot girl picture.

The wild card seems to be something of a "crazy current events" shot, - i.e. hurricane pictures, reality TV star pictures, Siegfried and Roy pictures, etc. What does this say about our society? I haven't published my conclusions yet. But when seventy-eight people have emailed this picture to someone they know:




well my gut tells me it's not because they're baseball fans.

Oh, and humans are obsessed with monkeys. It’s bordering on perverse.

(The smoke alarm is going off in the apartment down the hall from me. After about 3 minutes, I thought maybe it was a serious problem. Then I peeked my head out the door and heard an old woman screaming, “Damnit stop! I’m trying to cook my dinner!” as the smoke alarm said, “Fire, Fire, Fire.” So I quietly closed the door, thinking that my neighbors are more of a problem than raging flames?)

Anyway, how about this quote from a news story the other day when Pope Benedict was first elected: “Niels Hendrich, a 40-year-old salesman from Hamburg, Germany, jumped up and down with joy and called his father on a cell phone. ”Habemus papam!" he shouted into the phone, using the Latin for: "We have a pope."

Imagine being this excited about your religion? I don't even get that excited when I find money.

This was another heading in the most popular stories today: “Pope Benedict XVI Gets E-Mail Address” War in Iraq, crumbling economy, poverty and starvation (standard) and this is what we’re most concerned about? (I was uplifted for a moment when this story was number six: Report: Organism a Threat to Great Lakes; but disheartened when I checked back later and it had slipped to twelve, presumably after people realized that the word wasn’t “orgasm.”) But this quote from the email story is classic: “John Paul, who died April 2, was the first pope to use e-mail, a medium that made its debut during his 26-year papacy. The Vatican said he received tens of thousands of messages in his final weeks as he struggled with illness. He also received hundreds of thousands of solicitations for pornography and low cost mortgages from Satan himself.” OK, I added the last sentence.

Oh, here’s the Pope’s email address if you’re interested:
benedictxvi@vatican.va. Personally, I’m not getting involved until he sets up his blog.

Finally, can everyone please agree with me that the Catholic Church made a HUGE mistake in not turning this "selection of a new pope" into a reality TV show. I mean come on - it would EASILY become the most watched show ever. They could have a room set off to the side where the cardinals could go in and complain to a camera about the other cardinals. (“Cardinal Egan smells like mothballs. I can’t stand sitting next to him!”) And then they could vote off 10 cardinals every day until it's down to the final three, and America could text their votes in to choose the next pope. It would be golden.

Time to go watch a tivo’d MacGuyver episode before bed. If the internet isn’t fixed in my office by tomorrow I’m quitting my job. No job is that important.

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