Her: "Hey Dan, how’s it going?"
Me: "Good, how’s it going there?"
Her: "Good. TGIF, right?"
Me: (brief pause waiting for the pain to stop in my head) "Yeah totally."
– The Girlfriend has the uncanny ability to call me when I’m on the bowl at work. It’s happened like three times already.
– The deli around the corner from me makes the best goddamned panini. Chicken caprice. You know what makes it better than other paninis? They’re not afraid to put lettuce on it. Common sense says you don’t put lettuce on a grill. But they defy common sense and it pays off. What Newton did for physics, The World Café is doing for paninis. Seriously, if they asked me to, I would advertise their paninis. But not their meatloaf; it looks like sewage.
– When you go to get a haircut, is it OK to close your eyes while the girl washes your hair?
– Here’s a New York story for you told by my friend James:
“ . . . apparently Jorge [his cat] caught the mouse he has been hunting for days now, and Jess was on a chair screaming while he ran back and forth trying to give it to her as a gift. He had it in his mouth all the way with the tail hanging out and she could see it kicking his cheeks from the inside. It then escapes and runs away and neither of them could find it. Later after yelling at me for not being there, she is watching TV and Jorge runs in and starts putting his paws under the seat cushions. She jumps up and takes off the couch cushion and there is El Rodent, squashed to death by Jess’s fine-behind. Next week on Wild Discovery . . .”
It’s the greatest city in the world.
– Some bittersweet resolution to the Wendy’s finger fiasco. Authorities have traced the finger the women planted in her bowl of chili to a former co-worker of her husband who lost the finger in “an industrial accident.” It’s nice to know the finger didn’t come from someone stirring the chili, and instead a man pocketed the finger off the floor of an industrial plant while his co-worker writhed in pain and anguish over a lost digit, only to take it home to his wife who held onto it for a couple of months only to wake up one morning, drive down to Wendy’s and drop the finger into her chili. What isn't nice to know is that this seemed like a good idea to someone. Someone say a finger on the ground and said, "How can I make some money off this?" And then it took them two months to come up with something.I'll tell you something - if I had found the finger, I probably would have given it back. But if I had kept it, I can say with confidence that I would have thought of a much better way to make money off it, and it wouldn't have taken me two months to do it.
That's all I got.