(Editor’s Note: I forgot to provide the link for Jonah Matranga’s website in yesterday’s post. So here it is: www.jonahmatranga.com. Because you never would have found it otherwise. Also, seeing as how I have no idea who it was that commented closest to the 1,000th hit, the 1,000th hit conest is cancelled. I will keep the prize for myself, which makes the most sense because the prize was my watch.)
This was the kind of morning where you step outside and, if you’re me, wish you were a woman so you could wear a dress. It was 84 at 7:00 this morning. That’s just not right. If there’s one benefit of being up so early, in the summer at least, it should be that it’s a little cooler, the perfect temperature even. Instead, I step out of my apartment an hour and a half earlier than usual and I’m met with a hot breeze, one of those waves of dust and heat that passes over you and leaves behind a layer of instant sweat.
Not that I’m complaining. It’s still 20 times better than waking up in the dead of winter, walking outside and literally feeling your testicles retract into your body for warmth. I’m just saying a few more of those perfectly warm days would be nice.
Without further delay, my studied, insightful comments on the Jackson trial:
1. What does it say when we’ve actually come to accept that, sure, Michael Jackson slept with children. Imagine someone found out that Russell Crowe likes to share his bed with 10 year old boys? Or Vin Diesel? Chris Rock? All I’m saying is, there’s something to be said for the fact that the general public said, “Michael Jackson? Yeah, I can see that.”
2. How does this man still have fans? I mean, not just people who said, “Aw, I liked Thriller, I hope this turns out OK for him.” But a whole crowd of people who cheered as the verdict was read over the PA system outside the courthouse. One woman released white doves into the sky. I find this even weirder than women wanting to marry Jeffrey Dahmer – and he ate people.
3. So it’s true – Poland really does love Michael Jackson.
4. Jackson’s attorney confirmed that Michael won’t share his bed with kids again. He also confirmed that another of his clients, accused of killing three people with a knife, won’t stab people again.
5. This quote?: “Prosecutors presented testimony about Jackson's allegedly improper relationships with several boys in the early 1990s, including the son of a maid who testified that Jackson molested him during tickling sessions between 1987 and 1990.”
First of all, I think when the tickling session goes on for over three years, it’s a little more than a tickling session. And second, a TICKLING SESSION!?
6. No really – she released doves as the verdict was read.
7. Headline in the news today: “How Michael Jackson Got Off.” Is that really necessary?
8. Not a headline in the news today: “You’ve Been Touched by a Smooth Criminal.” Why not?
9. Not five minutes after the “Jury Reaches Verdict” banner came up on Yahoo, Katie Holmes announced that she is embracing Scientology. Part of me even believes that the entire Jackson trial was set up as a decoy so Katie Holmes could convert to Scientology.
And really, isn’t that the saddest part of all this? Sure, the King of Pop is fond of young boys in ways that only young girls or Mid-Western cult leaders should be fond of boys; but Katie Holmes is converting to Scientology, the religion based on a paperback advertised on daytime TV. I thought Joey was smarter than this . . .