The Daily Dump

A place where everyone (me) is welcomed to express their opinions openly and honestly. I encourage free thinking, free wheeling, off-the-cuff banter and monetary donations.

Wednesday, June 8

Wednesday's Important Events

File this under “Don’t you have anything better to do with your degree?”

Professor Benjamin Brenner has challenged the popular belief that Jesus died of blood loss on the cross, saying he probably succumbed to a blood clot that reaching his lungs, a sometimes fatal disorder now associated with long-haul air travel. Such pulmonary embolisms, leading to sudden death, can stem from immobilization, multiple trauma and dehydration.

“This fits well with Jesus’ condition . . .,” Brenner wrote in the article.

In Professor Brenner’s next article, he proves that the holy trinity is not really three people in one, citing the difficulty of shopping for pants and the impossibility of making important snap decisions.

A gift from our good friends to the North

On April 25, Gregory Despres arrived at the U.S.-Canadian border crossing at Calais, Maine, carrying a homemade sword, a hatchet, a knife, brass knuckles and a chain saw stained with what appeared to be blood. U.S. customs agents confiscated the weapons and fingerprinted Despres. Then they let him into the United States.

(Sidenote: My friends and I were happy to make it out of Canada with a couple of Cuban cigars in our glove compartment.)

The following day, a gruesome scene was discovered in Despres' hometown of Minto, New Brunswick: The decapitated body of a 74-year-old country musician named Frederick Fulton was found on Fulton's kitchen floor. His head was in a pillowcase under a kitchen table. His common-law wife was discovered stabbed to death in a bedroom.

Canadian officials commented: “If we had any idea that this guy was engaged in a common-law marriage, we never would have been so careless with him.”

(Sidenote two: Let me get this straight . . . THIS GUY . . .

. . . shows up at the American border, with a cache of weapons, some of which are bloodied, and our border patrol guards take his weapons and then let him in? But my father gets stopped at the airport every time we fly somewhere because the name “Joe Murphy” is on the terrorist watch list? My dad who once fell asleep before we even got on the plane?)

Courtesy of The Girlfriend, to which she commented: “NUTS!”

A group of dolphins living off the coast of Australia apparently teach their offspring to protect their snouts with sponges while foraging for food in the sea floor. Researchers say it appears to be a cultural behavior passed on from mother to daughter, a first for animals of this type.

Apparently, female dolphins learn to use the cone-shaped sponges to protect their snout from getting stung by stonefish and other creatures when foraging the sandy sea bottom for food.

However, only one male was observed using a sponge. Michael Kruetzen, lead author of a report on the dolphins, notes that as adults, male and female dolphins have very different lifestyles – some males are tough enough to dig through the ultra soft sand without protection from a sponge while some are just pansy asses.

Kruetzen is quick to add, "I would think that they do not have time to engage in such a time-consuming foraging activity as adults, as they are busy herding females."

That’s more like it.

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