Worst Sand Castle Idea
Building it 50ft. away from the water, then running a 50ft. uphill channel to try to fill the moat.
Most Inconsiderate Way To Off Yourself
Jump in front of a train at Penn Station on the Friday before the Fourth of July weekend.
Worst Way To Start Your Fourth Of July Weekend
Taking the E train out to Jamaica because someone jumped in front of a train at Penn Station.
Best Indicator That The Girlfriend Is In A Bad Mood
After finally getting on a train at Jamaica, having this conversation:
Me: “Maybe she’s just cold from the elbow down.”
The Girlfriend: “Or maybe she’s just slutty from the elbow up.”
Worst Way To Stay Out Of The Blog
Say something like, “You’d better not put that in your blog!” like my Aunt did after confiding that she had had a little too much sangria.
Best Indicator That Your Mother Is A “Young 52”
When, at your mom’s 52nd birthday party, conversation turns to the Live 8 concert and your mother comments, “You know who I really enjoyed? Linkin Park and Jay Z.”
Worst Fashion Coincidence
The Girlfriend and I packing one long-sleeve shirt a piece – matching J. Crew bright green sweaters.
Least Threatening Exclamation
“The yuppies are coming.”
– Announced by James, as a group of us walked across the street to the neighbors house to catch a glimpse of the awful band playing in the backyard there.
Best Breakfast Compliment
“Those are the most beautiful eggs I’ve ever seen.”
Brendan, responding to The Girlfriend’s bragging about how nice her scrambled eggs turned out.
Most Unnecessary Announcement
“It’s no wonder you can’t poop half the time!”
– My mom, after I tell her that I refuse to eat my hamburger on a whole wheat roll.
Most Regrettable Reply
“I poop just fine, thank you!”
Best Exit From A Party
My grandfather addressing a group of us in the backyard saying, “I’m going home to get lucky,” and my grandmother replying, “I just hope she shows up on time.”
Most Appreciated Warning
“Don’t come over here.”
– Scott, isolating himself while passing gas as soon as his girlfriend leaves the party.
Worst Way To Wake Up From A Nap On The Train
With a pudgy Italian man standing in the aisle grabbing your head to balance himself.
Most Unexpected Reaction To A Birthday Present
“Vitamin C is great for menopause!”
– My mom, after receiving a gift certificate for a vitamin C facial
Most “Dad”-Like Comment
“You’re a vegetarian? Well we’ve got some chicken burgers over here . . .”
Least Necessary Clarification
“Balls . . . like men have.”
– Scott, relating a story to us concerning male genitalia.
Worst Luck With Eggplant Parmigiana
After forgetting it in the refrigerator at the last party, dropping it on the rug at this party.
Most Questionable Decision
James, looking up and down the beach, saying ”We can either go down there past those whores or down there past that family,” and us choosing the family.
Most Questionable Conclusion (But Then Again I Guess Not…)
(While I am making hamburgers)
Debbi: “Look at how perfectly round he makes them.”
Mom: “Oh, this is going to show up in the blog now.”