First, there was The Perfect Crap Storm.
I walk into the men’s bathroom where there are three stalls. Some asshole (literally) has parked himself in the middle stall. When it’s just you in the bathroom, there is no excuse to occupy the middle stall, unless the toilet to the right is violently overflowing and the toilet to the left is missing. You just don’t do it, it’s bad manners, plain and simple. But I digest.
In an act of defiance and gross necessity, I occupy the stall to the right of the man (if sitting down . . . if that makes a difference to anyone). Almost immediately after that, I hear another man enter the bathroom. Packed house tonight, and I’m getting cold feet. I plan on holding out a bit and seeing what transpires.
The man who just walked in goes up to a urinal and, mid-stream, lets out an enormous fart. A long lasting, reverberating fart. He groans. Then, the man in middle stall lets out one of his own, hoping, I presume, that his noise would be overshadowed by the man at the urinal – bad timing, no such luck. Immediately after that, the urinal guy lets out another one, but this time a short burst of noise followed by a “Oh…”, and I hear him head towards the third stall. (At this point, I almost have tears in my eyes, not only from restraining laughter, but also from contemplating the fact that I may have just witnessed one of the funniest things in my life and I couldn’t even laugh at it.)
Now, we’re set up in this murders row, me holding in laughter and the two guys next to me trying to time their gas to coincide in some sort of foul harmony. This went on for about three minutes, with each of them initiating the noise every 15 seconds or so. It was an unbelievable thing to witness, and it got so out of hand that I had to abort and plan on coming back later.
Then, on my way to lunch:
1. I witnessed a man get hit by a car. (Not hard, just one of those where someone’s backing up and the guy had to put his hand on the bumper . . . as though that would stop the 3000lb vehicle.)
2. I saw an old Jewish man walking past a group of twenty-something corporate hookers and, after ogling them, slapping himself in the face. Hard.
3. I had my picture taken at least five times. Literally. It’s tourist’s row on wall street and I’ve stopped trying to get out of the way of pictures. Walking the 50 yards from the front of my building to Broadway is like walking down a red carpet, except after every picture people yell in different languages what I can only assume to be, “Damnit! The asshole got in my way!”
Then, I got to the deli and the first thing I did was look for my cookies (obviously) that weren’t there all of last week. Lo and behold, they are there. But they look different. Flatter, and with the M&M’s in a concentrated pool in the middle of the cookie instead of evenly spread out like before. Of course I bought one, and I’ll let you know what it was like after I eat it (in about 15 minutes).
If that wasn’t enough, the panini guy gave me the wrong panini, which I didn’t realize until I got back to my office and couldn’t figure out why I was smelling ham everywhere I went. Sure enough, I open my panini and it appears to be ham and cheddar cheese (I’m guessing? Is that even a viable combination?) So I go back to the deli and the panini guy is apologetic (that’s a good name for a blog – The Panini Guy) and not only gives me the right panini, but also tells me to keep the old one. I’m not sure what I’ll end up doing with it. I don’t ever remember adding ham and cheddar to my “wouldn’t eat it even if it was free” list, so I guess that answers my question.
Cookie Update: Definitely not the same cookie. It’s literally an imposter cookie, trying to look and taste the same, but pulling it off about as well as Bernie in Weekend at Bernie’s II. Now I’m not just sad, I’m mad. Take my cookie away from me once, shame on you. Replace my cookie with an inferior quality baked good, run.
(Note: During spell check of this, I had to add the word “panini” to the Microsoft Word dictionary. How was my firm getting along without the word panini in their dictionary? You’re trying to tell me that no one here has written about a panini in the past? Another reason to hold my co-workers in contempt.)
Quote of the Day:
BJ: “It wasn't until I stepped from the 40 degree shade to the 45 degree sunlight on the Minneola train platform that my mind suddenly focused on how dangerous the train station is. Waiting for my train several others pass by, at incredible speeds, and I am standing on the brink of a yellow rubber safety line, it’s as safe as a broken condom. And then...after sleep on the hurling machine, walking through Penn Station I see there is no difference between the danger of the platform, and the danger of being surrounded by all of these fragmented spirits marching through the underground hovel. Geez, who thought there would be such danger and drama just in a morning commute?”
Matt: “Well you guys can cry yourselves to sleep all you like, but I've been walking that line since i was a small boy begging for change and dangling my legs over the side when a train was coming just to entertain the kind folk waiting for the "hurling” machine...little did they know both of my legs were prosthetics and the look on their face as the train would destroy me from the knee cap down...well that was all the thanks i needed.... beat that.”
BJ: “I am the train, beat that, and I enjoyed crushing your legs. Besides, I wasn't asking for any such sympathy.”
Matt: “I’m not sympathizing…I’m TELLING YOU THAT MY CHILDHOOD AS A MOLE PERSON WAS SHIT!!! And I want those years back...please.”
- A typical daily email conversation.