Recently, a friend (who has never been in a serious relationship) asked me, “What is it like to have a boyfriend or a girlfriend?” to which I replied, clearly without any hint of careful consideration, “It’s like having a child you make love to.”
But bedsides the obvious illegal and downright satanic implications of my suggestion, I was right in some of the more elemental respects – because part of having a significant other involves a modicum of irrational, unconditional love. Not that you would love the other person no matter what they did (slept with your father, deleted “Entourage” off your Tivo before you watched it, told you that plenty of men take aerobics classes so you will take one with her, only to attend the class and find one other (extremely gay) man there); but more like you can’t always quite explain why you love the person as much as you do. It’s child like in the sense that, first and foremost, before you even care what the person does or says, you don’t want anything bad to happen to them. And you go from there. And you wouldn’t immediately write them off if they, perchance, pooped their pants. It would be a circumstantial matter.
So, in honor of all the various types of relationships in the world, both the sane and insane, some recent news stories highlighting the ties that bind.
new york city singles love
Study: In dating, extravagant gifts keep on giving
If you want to win the object of your affection, an extravagant gift that has no resale value is the way to go.
That's not the opinion of a battle-weary veteran of the dating scene. It's the conclusion of a mathematical model created by researchers at University College London.
It’s nice to see that science has finally caught up to common logic. This theory was demonstrated to a T on the new show “Hooking Up” on ABC (one of my favorite new shows), where single women are chronicled in their efforts at online dating.
One of the women, Sonja, who is described as “a knock-out with an identical twin sister [who] likes older guys with a healthy bank account,” went on a date with a guy who was, by all accounts, not a very attractive man, but The Girlfriend and I were pulling for him for his good sense of humor and his carefree attitude when it came to making an ass out of himself to have a good time. Needless to say, Sonja wasn’t too interested – until this guy showed up at her front door in a limo, gave her roses and champagne and took her to a trendy club for drinks and dinner. She went home with him that night. This show blows my mind. It’s the realization of everything people joke about in New York. In fact, I need to add this to the list of things I need to write a whole entry about.
The best part of the article, though is the last line. “If women are complaining about how men are in relationships, they should think about the hanging fly," Kruger says. The male hanging fly gives the female a gift - a large dead insect - only to take it back after mating to be used in his next encounter.”
You tell ‘em!
a FORGIVING love
A guy with some explaining to do...
A Macedonian man left his wife at an Italian service station and only realized he had driven off without her six hours later, news agency Ansa said Monday.
The couple, who were traveling with their 4-year-old daughter, pulled over for gas in the coastal city of Pesaro as they were heading back to their home to Germany.
After filling the tank, the husband drove away -- without noticing that his 30-year-old wife had got out of the car to go to the toilet.
OK, I’m going to take a different angle here, just because I can’t think of anything rationally applicable. But if I remember correctly when my little sister was growing up, at the age of four she was pretty aware of her surroundings, and able to talk, and at the very least knew when Mommy was sitting next to her in the back seat of a car and when she went away. And still nothing? No mention of “Where did Mommy go?” For six hours? I would be worried about this kid.
love of caffeine
Texas Man Aims to Visit Every Starbucks
Documenting a caffeine-powered quest to visit every Starbucks in the world has become the mission of a Nebraska attorney.
Bill Tangeman, 32, of Kearney, who was a journalist before going into law, is making a documentary film about a Houston native who goes by the name Winter, who set out in 1997 to get a caffeinated drink at every corporate-owned Starbucks store on the planet.
. . . he has visited 4,775 Starbucks in North America and 213 in other parts of world. Outside of North America, Winter has gone to Starbucks in Spain, England, France and Japan. There are 5,715 corporate-owned Starbucks in the world, according to the Seattle-based company's August newsletter on it Web site.
I really, really want to be the asshole who, once this guy claims he has accomplished his task, writes him an email pointing out the twenty new locations that opened in the week since he thinks he finished visiting the last one. I don’t know why, I just do. I really do.
the love between a woman and her rectum
Monroe's Sworn Enema?
Marilyn Monroe was killed by what she loved: An enema.
Such is the conclusion of a former Los Angeles County prosecutor, John W. Miner, who has long suspected the film goddess was murdered, and has gone public with transcripts of audio recordings he says she made that back up his argument.
According to Miner, Monroe made the audio recordings at Greenson's home--possibly in 1962, the Times suggests. An author who used Miner's transcripts as the basis for a 2004 book on Monroe told the Times he believes Monroe handed over the tapes to Greenson on Aug. 4, 1962, the day before her death.
. . . Miner claims the tapes were destroyed in 1979, and that he is the only living human who has heard them. He told the Times his transcripts are based on "extensive" and "nearly verbatim" notes of the recordings.
For what it's worth, a psychiatry professor who bills himself as a "pioneer in past-life regression therapy," and has a client he is convinced is the reincarnation of Monroe, says he thinks the transcripts sound like the late actress.
First of all, Yahoo has outdone itself with that headline. Just perfect.
Second: that’s a ringing endorsement from a psychiatry professor who thinks he has a reincarnated Marilyn Monroe as a client. How could you not trust his opinion?
Third: there’s a lot of bad ways to die. But an enema? A deadly enema? I think it’s time to rethink our classic American heroines.
love of an old friend
Descendants of Lincoln's Friends to Gather
The descendants of Lincoln's friends and neighbors in New Salem — rebuilt as a state historic site — are organizing a reunion next summer to mark the 175th anniversary of his arrival.
Organizers hope perhaps 1,000 people will attend, sharing information on their family trees and swapping stories handed down through the generations.
I can’t even imagine how this goes. Like, “Remember that hat he used to wear? He looked so funny.” Or “And he was always so honest!” And does everyone groan when someone starts telling the cherry tree story?
the love between a man and his estate
DEAR ABBY: My husband, "Girard," and I have been married two years. We both have children from previous marriages. Girard always told me I would have a home if I outlived him, even though his children will eventually inherit the property.
One day I asked Girard if it was in the will, and he said no, but that he and his children "had discussed it." When I asked him to put it on paper, he agreed. His attorney drafted a document for him to sign. After it had laid around the house for more than a week, Girard told me he had lost it. I reminded him to get another copy, sign and return it. After two more weeks passed with no signed document, Girard told me his attorney was "busy" and "would get to it when he could."
I decided to call the attorney myself. Well, you guessed it. I was told the papers had been executed. When I confronted Girard he admitted he had lied and promised to have the will done over. When I looked at the document he had signed, I saw that Girard was giving me 90 days to get out of the house after his death.
I was upset, so he tore up the document.
Am I being unreasonable? I am 76, and he is 84.
-- DOESN'T WANT TO BE HOMELESS IN BATON ROUGE
Well, if you’re 76 and he’s 84 . . .
Ah, c'est l'amour, no?
Quote of the Day:
“What a moron. It’s too bad he didn’t become a cripple. Break his spine. That’s the only way he’s going to learn – to break his spine.”
- June, the crazy elderly secretary in my office, on the guy who jumped from the upper deck at Yankee Stadium landing safely in the net above the seats behind home plate.