I remember a time when, about six years ago, a good friend of mine and I were in Mexico for a vacation. We were naïve college freshman and decided to drive across the border in Arizona where we continued down to a nice hotel in a resort town called Puerto Penasco. The rest of the town, besides the resort area, was sketchy, to say the least. The roads navigating this place were a maze of one-way alleys congested with cars, bikes, crates of produce and, what I hope, were only “napping” Mexicans.
At one point in our trip, we were driving down one such one-way alley when suddenly we were faced with the fact that we were going the wrong way. We knew this because several cars were attempting to come at us head-on down the street, but had to move over so we could pass. We waved and yelled combinations of “I’m sorry” and “Lo siento,” or “I’m siento,” until we made our way through the street laughing at the absurdity of the experience.
It wasn’t until later that night that we discussed the horrors could have happened if la policia had been in that alley while we were driving through. You hear horror stories all the time of cars being impounded, people getting thrown in little town jail cells for breaking traffic laws or Mexican “authorities” charging you thousands of dollars to “get out” of the tough situation. But we laughed about it because we were at a bar where you stood on line with a shot glass and waiting for you at the head of the line was a girl in a bikini who poured you a free shot of tequila, at which point you would turn around and get back on the end of the line again. Hell, we were probably drunk on tequila when we were driving down the one way street.
What’s my point in telling this? Well just give you a reference point on what this week has been like. It was exactly like that time in Mexico, only instead of laughing about it over tequila, we were arrested by the cops, thrown in el prison and forced to cook tortillas for the guards’ families before we were released, naked, at the American border three months later. It’s been that bad. At one point, I self-medicated myself with codeine cough medicine at 11:00 in the morning just to quell the head ache. And that was before The Girlfriend’s bathtub backed up like an Atkins colon and we had to deal with a plumber who, on his answering machine, referred to himself as “Ralph . . . the plumber.”
So, in keeping with the theme of and of me being too mentally and emotionally drained to write anything of substance, I’ll close the week with a Top Five. It’s one my friends and I discussed via email sometime last year, when we did stuff like this to quell our ever growing boredom. Here were my five (plus some bonuses from my friends):
Top Five Most Annoying One-Liner / Sayings:
5. "My bad" – Yeah, take an adjective and make it a noun. Bright. We could do it for all words, it'll be great.: "Hey, you've got my dick in your ass." "Oops. My gay."
4. "It's the pot calling the kettle black" – I still don't get it. I've had everyone I know explain it to me, and I just don't see it. You pick two things that are the same color and make as though they're calling each other a name - which is their color. "It's like the futon calling the lemon yellow." And my pots are silver.
3. "Stop Mr. Murphy, it hurts now" – Toughen up kid, Jesus.
2. "Pop a cap in yo ass" – Ill conceived from the start. Meant to be a street-tough gang threat, the hommies dropped once they realized you can't be tough when you say "pop." so the whities made it their own. (Side note: the literal translation is ridiculous, although we did try to do this to my friend Scott with a champagne cork one new years eve.)
1. "Say it don't spray it, I want the news not the weather" – The only thing good about this saying was that you had plenty of time to punch the asshole in the face before he finished saying it.
– "I’m quirkyalone" – Haven't heard anyone use this yet . . . I didn’t even know it existed until you mentioned it yesterday, and I’m already sick of it.
(Editor’s note: This was at a time when the latest fad was to create “buzzwords” by combining two words into one and making it a whole new word . . . that meant what the two others mean. This just blew my mind when I first heard about it. I mean, didn’t people realize that it's two words said very fast? Could I create a buzz creating a word like "nothanks." Just think, why say two words when you can say one!
"Hey you seem quirkyalone, want to lick my ass?"
I’m crude today. It fits nicely with my mood.)
– "That's so...(insert date of when something was popular)" – Not to many people will call you out with a "That’s so 1994..." but when they do it burns me up. Mostly pretentious asshole pricks do this, and it makes me want to take a lead pipe to their head and than look down at their broken skull saying, "Your death was so three seconds ago."
- James, King of the bitter rant