So yesterday was “Marry Your Baby Daddy” Day here in New York. (I know I’m a little late covering this, but it’s in keeping with the festive theme. As in, “Uh oh – I’m late,” or “Why’s the child support late again, dirt bag?” or “Listen son, I know I haven’t been a good father lately . . .” etc.
This holiday is a new craze started by author Maryann Reid, who wrote a book bearing the holiday’s name . . . or made up a holiday bearing the book’s name. Whatever, I didn’t actually do any research for this. But I do know that the title does not mean that if you happen to have a baby daddy, you should go out and marry him. That is still criminal as far as I know, holiday or not. Nor does it mean that you should encourage your daddy to marry his own baby, which again, I believe is still prohibited by law.
What it does mean (figuratively, if not literally) is that if you’ve had a child with someone out of wedlock you should marry them! Go for it! Kids deserve a family, even if their parents don’t recognize each other for the first few days. And I believe in this; I really do. However, I’m constantly the devil’s advocate. I’m always the one who has to argue the other side of things, even at parties when people say things like, “This party is lovely,” and I shout back, “Oh really? Because this dip is warm!” It’s just my nature.
I’m also an opportunist. Three years ago when blogs were first popular, I sensed that this might be the next big thing. And look – four years later I have a readership of over 40 people and am owner of one the most popular blogs with the words “daily” and “dump” in the title. (It’s true, check Google.)
So I’ve decided that I’m going to capitalize on the success of this book and release a book of my own. (And no, I am not deterred by the failure of my first attempt, my follow-up to the hit HBO series “Sex in the City” entitled “No Sex In The City.” I am a fighter. That is another thing I am.)
Here are a few of my preliminary ideas I plan on pitching. Look for them this coming Fall:
How To Make HER Pay the Alimony: Inside you’ll find such useful tips as planting drugs in her home, giving her a communicable disease and finding those pictures of her in the internet. And with all the money you’ll save from the tax breaks once you gain custody, you’ll be able to get that new plasma television. I guarantee it.
But You Said You Were On The Pill: I’m sure they also said they were really drunk, they weren’t looking for a commitment and they didn’t even like kids.
You Can’t Prove It’s Mine: Is it a boy? Is it a girl? Is it even yours? Helpful information on how to beat a paternity test without having to move to the Southwest. Plus a special section full of first-hand tips from NBA superstars.
Yes You CAN Wear White the Second Time!: Because men too deserve a second chance at a fresh start.
Don’t Marry Your Daddy, Because That’s Illegal: This is a rather short book. In fact, I was just thinking of making this one a placard that could stand next to me at my book signings. Or maybe I could option it for a “The More You Know” spot on NBC. Kieffer Sutherland would be perfect for it. “Don’t marry your daddy, BECAUSE IT’S [bleep] ILLEGAL! TELL ME WHERE YOUR DADDY IS! TELL ME NOW!” Can he be carrying a gun? Is that allowed?
There’s Always Adoption: Hundreds of good arguments as to why she should give the child up for adoption. Everything from, “She’s only a year old, it’s not like she’ll be able to pick us out of a line-up,” to “You are the one who told me not to pull out. So you be the one to find a family for him.” She won’t be able to say no!
Ah Shit, Not Again! (And Other Love Stories): An unforgettable collection of stories centered around the wonderful gift of life. Full of joy and tenderness, it is sure to be a fixture in American literature for years to come.
Using The Possessive ‘S’: I’m telling you people, It will CHANGE YOUR LIFE. Grammar is fun and grammar is easy, just like the girl that got you into this whole situation. Yes, it gets tricky with plurals, but when you can write an email about how funny your “bosses’ pants” are with correct usage of the plural possessive, well . . . that will make you a better person.