My friend Scott seems to think that the advice I give my friends is simply too useful to be kept to ourselves. Scott, it should be noted, is currently in a healthy, loving relationship and only once over the course of our seven year friendship (about five years ago) has he asked me for advice on women. That advice led directly to him breaking up a dancer who could do a full split and instead dating a mess of a girl who would, a few years later, right around the time the dancer was getting her breast implants, cheat on him with her boss’ husband . . . and a few other people.
Everyone has an off day.
This advice recently went out to a friend who is dating a girl who happens to still be in college:
“The first thing you have to do is make her drop out of college. Ceramics? It doesn't sound like she's doing anything important anyway. Then make her get a job and get an apartment and get bitter at life. If she says she doesn't want to do any of these things, say, "No one wants to do these things. You think this is where i want to be in life!" Then make like you will hit her, but back away and brush her hair lovingly.
Because, really, isn't the ideal girl one with the body of a 20 year old, the life experience of a 25 year old and the dedication of a 65 year old?
Or, you could just take it for what it's worth and hook-up one of our friends with one of her cute friends and the two of you could run around town making out with 20-year olds and probably be the happiest guys I know, as long as you don't try taking them to any bars that check id's. But why do that anyway? Get them drunk at home - that's where the beds are anyway.”No word on whether or not he’s decided to heed my wisdom. But I’ll let you know how it turns out. In the meantime, don’t be afraid to ask me for advice of your own. I’ve got tons of this crap, uh, I mean sound advice.