Got all backed up at work today dealing with other issues, namely helping a couple of friends who are having relationship issues by doling out inane and unhelpful “relationship” counseling, such as this piece of solid advice to a friend who was stuck in the rough spot of going on a couple of dates with a girl he actually likes:
“Feelings blow. They always make things more complicated than they seem (so if they seem complicated, they're really super complicated.) I don't see any way out of this other than going straight for third base the next time you two are alone. You need to see if there's a real "connection" here or not. Otherwise you're just wasting your time with "talking" and "feeling" and "enjoying each other's company." And let's face it, if all we wanted out of life was talking and feeling, we'd all date each other.”
So just so you don’t think I was neglecting The Dump for frivolous reasons, there you go.
Onto what I wanted to talk about today, last night’s annual celebration of giving out TV awards to the wrong people! Even though I didn’t actually “watch” the Emmy’s*, I see no reason why I can’t provide insightful comments on the show, the participants and everything else that goes along with the production. So, here’s “My Unqualified Emmy Award Commentary.”
Worst Miscarriage of Voting Rights
BEST COMEDY SHOW
Arrested Development FOX
Desperate Housewives ABC
Everybody Loves Raymond CBS (WINNER)
Will & Grace NBC
The fact that the fourth best comedy on this list won is almost as insulting as “Desperate Housewives” being on this list in the first place. Has anyone (who isn’t a mother) ever even laughed at “Desperate Housewives?” And “Everybody Loves Raymond” was a good show, but when does it stop being funny that Ray wants to go golfing and Deborah won’t let him? By the 7th season? I think so.
The bottom line is, if all of these shows conflicted on your Tivo’s season pass, which one would win? And you can’t tell me the answer is “Everybody Loves Raymond.” Patty Heaton got too old and the daughter didn’t get old enough, case closed.
Grossest Miscalculation of The Facts
This quote from Matthew Fox?
"No, I didn't expect this to happen. Historically, shows do not win the Emmy in their first year," Fox said with a firm look. "I've been very selective about what roles I've decided to take, from 'Party of Five' to 'Lost.'"
Don’t get me wrong, I love “Lost.” But is Matthew maybe confusing being “selective” with being “unwanted?” Or maybe I should just keep my mouth shut and tell everyone that the reason I’m not writing for Esquire right now is that I’m very selective.
No Wait, THIS Is The Grossest Miscalculation Of Facts
That “The Amazing Race” won best reality TV show. We’ve been over this: If you’re giving away awards for actual, good, not porn-esque reality shows, it doesn’t get better than “Extreme Makeover: Home Edition.” THEY GIVE HOUSES TO DESERVING FAMILIES FOR CHRIST’S SAKE! The only way “The Amazing Race” could compete is if it was “The Amazing Race To Cure Cancer,” or “The Amazing Race to End Violent Fascist Regimes.”
(However, I would be a fan of adding another category; something like, “Best ‘Reality’ Show” so shows like, “The Biggest Loser” and “Being Bobby Brown” can be recognized. And when is the right time to give “Blind Date” it’s lifetime achievement award? These are issues the academy really needs to address. “Blind Date” has been mismatching losers and making fun of them in witty pop-up blurbs for years now.)
Biggest Insult to Peter Sellers
The Life and Death of Peter Sellers wins for Best Writing, Best Directing, and Geoffrey Rush wins Best Actor for his portrayal of Peter Sellers . . . but Warm Springs wins for Best Made for TV Movie? So what they’re saying is, The writing was fantastic, the directing was superb and Geoffrey Rush’s performance was impeccable, but the story just wasn’t that good.
Loudest Wake-Up Call
To Ed Harris, Philip Seymour Hoffman, Helen Hunt, Aidan Quinn, Joanne Woodward and Dennis Farina.
YOU LOST TO MASTERPIECE THEATRE!
Robin Wright Penn is excluded because she’s too young to know better and Paul Newman is excluded because at least he won for Best Supporting Actor; and also who can say anything bad about Paul Newman? It’s friggin Paul Newman.
Warmest Congratulations to a Woman Whose Name I Always Mispronounced
I’ve been mispronouncing your name in the “Law & Order” credits for years now, but you were great in “Lackawanna Blues.” In the words of on commenter on the S. Empatha’s imdb message board:
“CONGRATULATIONS! I enjoyed you immensely in "LAKAWANA BLUES". The movie took me back to a time when people still had 'RESPECT' and were willing to help one another. Again, Congratulations, you deserve many more Emmy's. AL Bryant”
Well said, Al.
*I did make it home in time for the “Who Died This Year” montage, and how Dana Elcar’s death went unnoticed by me is admittedly indefensible. Pete Thornton deserves more from The Daily Dump. (I’m sure his family would be happy to hear that.) In fact, Pete Thornton deserves a creepy photo collage.