If there's one thing Apple does well, it's make things obsolete. Like one of my most expensive purchases in the last two years (seriously, I spent less on my couch) which is a Generation Three iPod - the technological equivalent of an Apple 2C at this point, which was only good for making those cards you fold in half twice and playing “The Oregon Trail.” (Which makes me wonder – would it be that hard to put “The Oregon Trail” on iPods? Is it so much more complicated than “Brick” or “Solitaire?” I can almost guarantee that sales would double. Almost.)
The new line of IPods has color screens, photo capabilities and a 15 hour battery life, which is roughly 13.5 more hours than mine runs before dying. It also comes with unfrayed headphones that don’t shock your ears when you run too close to the heart rate monitor handlebars on the treadmill. Which is awesome because I only paid about $100 more for mine.
Apple even outdid themselves in the overproduction department this time around, totally replacing the IPod mini, which i think went on the market about two months ago, with the IPod Nano (aka the IPod really mini.) And they’ve finally gotten over their latent white supremacy and started offering the IPod Nanos in black. Of course it’s just the small, inferior ones they offer in black, but all great movements start somewhere.
The most intriguing development, though, is their new cross-promotion IPods – the next step in the orgy of multimedia interbreeding. It started innocently enough with a U2 IPod, loaded with every track ever recorded by U2 and the Irish national anthem; but now it’s expanded beyond just music. Now there is the Harry Potter IPod, loaded up with all of the Harry Potter audio books and inscribed on the back with some sort of figure that I guess has something to do with a wizard or a spell or some creature like a Wookeybog that all the cool kids who read know about.
Anyway, unlike other technological advances in the past (steam engines, open heart surgery, condoms) this is something I can actually use. Imagine: Apple and me, teaming up to create “The Daily Dump IPod” – loaded up with all of my posts, read by me, and updated daily through iTunes.
I have composed a letter to Apple pitching them the idea:
It has recently come to my attention that a product of yours, the iPod, which I believe stands for “internet pod,” has been gaining popularity. I further understand that in order to promote your product, you have begun targeting smaller consumer groups such as fans of the Harry Potter book series.
To that end, I would like to present you now with a remarkable opportunity to team up with me and my website, The Daily Dump, in offering “The Daily Dump iPod,” full of all of my blog posts read by none other than me. this is a fantastic opportunity to reach the 25 readers who visit my site DAILY! I believe you will also fund my web site’s content new and exciting, as your listeners could follow along as I ridicule unattractive and dim-witted people and complain about my startlingly stable and fortunate life.
Also, I would like to include “The Oregon Trail” on “The Daily Dump iPod.”
I hope you appreciate the potential of this venture as much as I do.
The Belligerent Intellectual
(Just kidding, my business name is Dan.)
I’ve put together a prototype of The Daily Dump iPod for my readers. Sign up in the comments section and I’ll be sure that, once Apple gets this off the ground, you will be the first to receive one.
(The Dawson’s Creek logo works perfectly with my current iPod name: Joey Podder. And, much to The Girlfriend’s dismay, I’m not kidding.)