The Daily Dump

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Thursday, September 8

A Pod to Call My Own

If there's one thing Apple does well, it's make things obsolete. Like one of my most expensive purchases in the last two years (seriously, I spent less on my couch) which is a Generation Three iPod - the technological equivalent of an Apple 2C at this point, which was only good for making those cards you fold in half twice and playing “The Oregon Trail.” (Which makes me wonder – would it be that hard to put “The Oregon Trail” on iPods? Is it so much more complicated than “Brick” or “Solitaire?” I can almost guarantee that sales would double. Almost.)

The new line of IPods has color screens, photo capabilities and a 15 hour battery life, which is roughly 13.5 more hours than mine runs before dying. It also comes with unfrayed headphones that don’t shock your ears when you run too close to the heart rate monitor handlebars on the treadmill. Which is awesome because I only paid about $100 more for mine.

Apple even outdid themselves in the overproduction department this time around, totally replacing the IPod mini, which i think went on the market about two months ago, with the IPod Nano (aka the IPod really mini.) And they’ve finally gotten over their latent white supremacy and started offering the IPod Nanos in black. Of course it’s just the small, inferior ones they offer in black, but all great movements start somewhere.

The most intriguing development, though, is their new cross-promotion IPods – the next step in the orgy of multimedia interbreeding. It started innocently enough with a U2 IPod, loaded with every track ever recorded by U2 and the Irish national anthem; but now it’s expanded beyond just music. Now there is the Harry Potter IPod, loaded up with all of the Harry Potter audio books and inscribed on the back with some sort of figure that I guess has something to do with a wizard or a spell or some creature like a Wookeybog that all the cool kids who read know about.

Anyway, unlike other technological advances in the past (steam engines, open heart surgery, condoms) this is something I can actually use. Imagine: Apple and me, teaming up to create “The Daily Dump IPod” – loaded up with all of my posts, read by me, and updated daily through iTunes.

I have composed a letter to Apple pitching them the idea:

Dear Apples:

It has recently come to my attention that a product of yours, the iPod, which I believe stands for “internet pod,” has been gaining popularity. I further understand that in order to promote your product, you have begun targeting smaller consumer groups such as fans of the Harry Potter book series.

To that end, I would like to present you now with a remarkable opportunity to team up with me and my website, The Daily Dump, in offering “The Daily Dump iPod,” full of all of my blog posts read by none other than me. this is a fantastic opportunity to reach the 25 readers who visit my site DAILY! I believe you will also fund my web site’s content new and exciting, as your listeners could follow along as I ridicule unattractive and dim-witted people and complain about my startlingly stable and fortunate life.

Also, I would like to include “The Oregon Trail” on “The Daily Dump iPod.”

I hope you appreciate the potential of this venture as much as I do.


The Belligerent Intellectual
(Just kidding, my business name is Dan.)

I’ve put together a prototype of The Daily Dump iPod for my readers. Sign up in the comments section and I’ll be sure that, once Apple gets this off the ground, you will be the first to receive one.

(The Dawson’s Creek logo works perfectly with my current iPod name: Joey Podder. And, much to The Girlfriend’s dismay, I’m not kidding.)




yup, still...

beautiful post! can't believe you brought up The Oregon Trail. You're only a few years older than me, right? Damn, that trend must have been in play for quite a while. So glad I found your site, it's been a while since I've actually been forced to L-O-L. (FYI, I hate acronyms like that). TTYL!

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 5:33 PM  

How odd that there would be two Dans with "dump" blogs. Although mine actually delivers the goods (for better or worse... most would say worse).

By Blogger dantobindantobin, at 5:41 PM  

there's nothing else to do but...

[insert slow clap here]

By Blogger tall 1, at 6:16 PM  

Send mine to my work address. I'm never home to get packages and then I get that annoying "we've tried to deliver this three times and we're going to send it back!" notice. Stresses me out.

300 Madison Ave.
New York, NY 10017

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 6:35 PM  

I love it. Maybe you could consider a Queer Eye for the Straight Guy IPod. Or even Brown Eye for the White Guy - the marketing for that might be a bit tricky.
Please send my FedEx to Wellywood.
thanks mate ;)

By Blogger Kate, at 10:23 PM  

Maybe I should have a Bitter Rant iPod, that has me bitterly rantting about all the things that I hate. This could be huge Dan, HUGE!

By Blogger de Kooning's Spleen, at 11:26 PM  

Kate, you're one of my favorites. But FedEx to Wellywood might cost me a week's pay.

By Blogger the belligerent intellectual, at 12:09 AM  

Great idea.

And it's the reason I never buy anything hi-tech: everytime you buy a product it becomes instantly obsolete. You buy an iPod or a digital camera, and there is a better one next month. I'm still waiting for them to perfect that nifty "Morse Code" machine before I buy one at Best Buy.

By Blogger Neil, at 12:02 PM  

the ipod mini isn't on the apple website anymore! it's like it never existed. liked your post!

By Blogger Sub Girl, at 3:58 PM  

Ever thought of creating a podcast, this will allow for users to download your posts (audio) directly to their ipods.

By Anonymous Ryan, at 4:12 PM  

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