I don’t know exactly why I don’t like politics. i think it’s partly because they are so obscure and complicated and hard. Actually, I guess I do know exactly why I don’t like politics. it’s not like most other topics that you can make up stuff as you go along to support your argument (“Diane Lane is the hottest over-40 actress in Hollywood because Michelle Pfeiffer has a bigger head.”) You need to know facts and history and people’s names, and if I had to list the three things I have the most trouble remembering in the world it would be 1. facts, 2. history, 3. a time when I was happy and life was simple and 3a. people’s names. Basically, me and politics are like oil and water – and everyone knows oil doesn’t know shit about water.
But I try to stay abreast on these things, if for no other reason than to be able to laugh at Jon Stewart’s jokes. So last night i watched some of the Senate Judiciary Committee, which, as I understand it, is a bunch of people asking a potential supreme court nominee a bunch of questions about things he won’t talk about, thereby gathering no information that might change the outcome of the situation. But I wasn’t really paying attention because I was on the internet trying to find that video where Trishelle from the real world is topless sitting at a table with Ron Jeremy.
Anyway, here’s some things I think I heard while not really paying attention – but like I said, I’m no political well source.
- I refuse to answer any questions about abortion. This committee is not about easy women being murders. It’s about being impartial.
- “Gay marriage . . . it’s a tough situation, very involved and complicated, drawing from many legal and historical precedents; but the real problem is technically they’re not “people,” sooo . . .”
- “Katrina exposed serious problems in our response capability at all levels of governm –“ Oh . . . sorry, my mistake. God was talking to President Bush there, not me.
- If elected, I look forward to having job security for the rest of my life despite possible poor or irrational performance.
- No, I won’t let my acting career get in the way. I haven’t done anything good since “As Good As It Gets” anyway.
Some more evidence of my political incisiveness
An email conversation between my friends and I concerning the conference at the United Nations.
James: Best sentence starter ever: "Bush, addressing more than 160 presidents, prime ministers and kings..." Kings? How do we still deal with kings?
Me: It seems like being king has to be the best job in the world. For the most part, they don't make any important decisions. They are ridiculously wealthy and traditionally no one makes fun of them because THEY'RE THE FRIGGIN KING! And they have hookers sometimes, don't they? Awesome job. What's even more of a farce is thinking that any king on the face of the earth gives two, let alone one, shit what our president has to say. I bet all the kings sit together in a little section of the conference hall saying things like, "Who's this guy again? And when does the buffet open..."
James: It would be great if the kings still acted like kings, with goblets and swords and capes made from the skin of a lion and a crown of iron on their heads. And when they heard something they didn't like they would throw an axe at you. THAT would be government I could respect
Brendan: I picture them sitting around whistling "It’s Good To Be King" by Tom Petty, admiring their picture on their country's money and thinking about what peasant girl is going to get "knighted" on the flight home.
Me: You know where we went wrong? When we started using the term "king" so lightly. Like "Smoothie King" or "Burger King." That's when we really lost all hope of ever having a really cool monarchy here. Well that and when they drafted "the constitution."