Remember that girl in college who had a great body and a so-so face and every night at the bar a new guy would tell her how much he liked her, only for her to find out in the morning, after sleeping with him, that he actually thinks she is a loser? Well I finally know what it feels like to be THAT girl.
Last night, I was stood up by Time Warner. For the fourth time.
I had a special night all planned for our date somewhere between 7:00 and 9:00, assuming that this time would be different.
I had candles:
I got drunk:
I even put a set up a sexy photo slideshow as a screen saver:
And just as I’m changing into my best drawstring pants, I get a phone call. It’s the Time Warner technician. Actually, it’s not even the Time Warner technician. It’s, like, the guy riding in the passenger seat in the Time Warner technician’s van. And this is our conversation:
Him: “Hi Mr. Murphy. (Oh, so it’s formal now). This is the Time Warner technician.
Me: (Even though I know it isn’t actually the technician, I play along.) Oh, the Time Warner technician. I almost forgot you were coming.”
Him: “Right Mr. Murphy. Unfortunately, I’m not going to be able to make it tonight. I’m not feeling very well.”
Me: (Not feeling well?! The Time Warner guy is calling in sick on me? I think I hear the actual technician giggling in the background. I play it cool.) “Oh, no. That’s too bad. What were you coming for again? Oh that’s right, my internet. Well I guess my internet will have to wait. “
Him: “Yes, I apologize Mr. Murphy. Can I reschedule your appointment for you?”
Me: (Smug bastard. As though I would obviously want him to come back. But I remain cool.) “Certainly. Unfortunately I’m away for the weekend (make him think I’m with another cable provider in the Hamptons). But how about Monday?”
Him: “OK sir, Monday between 7:00 and 9:00. I’ll see you then. Sorry again for the inconvenience.”
Me: (No inconvenience, those tea lights come in a bag of 50 . . .) “I’ll see you then.’
After I hang up, I become a enraged. Not that I shouldn’t have been expecting this. Past experiences show that a cable provider doesn’t just change overnight. I call the Time Warner central office where I speak to a guy (still can’t get over the awkwardness of complaining about my cable to a guy) and he’s apologizing left and right and I just want to say something like, “Dude, whatever. Any hot girls working tonight?”
He puts me on hold and, while on hold I get a call from the technician who called before. I don’t pick it up. He leaves a voicemail and the central office guy comes back on the line:
Guy: “OK, I can’t reschedule you until next Thursday.”
Me: “But the technician said Monday.”
Guy: “I’m showing Thursday.”
Me: “ . . .Monday?”
Guy: “What’s wrong with your cable?”
Me: “My internet doesn’t work . . . sometimes.”
Guy: “Hold on.”
I don’t know what just transpired, but I can only assume that the guy finally opened up my Time Warner file and saw the notes scribbled down from last time and grew frightful of telling me something I didn’t want to hear. He comes back on the line:
Guy: “OK, Monday between 7:00 and 9:00 – ”
I think I hung up on him as he started another sentence, but figured that if the phone call stopped there, then I had an appointment for Monday. Unless I cut him off and the rest of the sentence was something like, “OK, Monday between 7:00 and 9:00 is never going to happen.”
Regardless, I’m feeling pretty god about myself, make another drink and from the other room I hear my cell phone voicemail beep. I go back and check the message the technician left:
“Hey, Mr. Murphy (self-righteous prick), I can’t do Monday, How about Tuesday? I’ll plan on coming by Tuesday night.“
Well SURE, my schedule doesn’t matter. It’s always about YOU. When are YOU available. How about I just quit my job? Would that make you happy? With all my spare time, I could learn to bake and have babies!
I the end, I’m left with a phantom appointment for Monday, a meaningless appointment for Tuesday and maybe an appointment for Thursday. However, I’ve also got a pretty good buzz and a $124.49 credit on my cable bill due to Time Warner’s policy the customer getting a free month of cable If they miss an appointment. So my advice to everyone in New York is this: Make an appointment with Time Warner. Doesn’t even matter if there’s something wrong. Chances are, they won’t come and you’ll get a free month of cable.
Either that or the reassurance that you aren’t just a meaningless whore with a nice rack.