The Daily Dump

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Tuesday, September 6

Timeline of the Weekend (Part 1)


4:00 – Leave work “early.” No one tells me I can leave; I follow closely two other people out the door.

5:40 – Go to the Food Emporium (four blocks up) instead of Gristedes (aka Gross-tedes, to The Girlfriend, but around the corner) to buy dinner. Get home only to find while unpacking groceries that the package of butter I bought only had three sticks in it. Perfectly sealed, four stick box with only three sticks in it. Someone at the Land O’ Lakes factory is rocked, that’s all I’m going to say.

5:50 – Go to Grosstedes to buy proper package of butter instead of returning defective package of butter to the Food Emporium (four blocks up). It’s gross.

7:45 – Finish dinner, which I think, due to an oven malfunction, was a raw pork chop. Afterwards think: “That can’t be good.”

8:55 – Arrive at my friend James’ apartment. The following morning, we will be moving James from this apartment out to Brooklyn. The plan is to finish what liquor remains in the apartment because James ran out of boxes in which to pack said liquor. When I get there, James and three other friends are waiting for the Time Warner Cable guy to show up to take away his cable box. His appointment was between 6:00 and 9:00. When he calls Time Warner to ask why no one is there yet, the person on the phone says, “Well the technician still has five minutes.” James says, “Blow me,” while hanging up the phone.

We debate what to do as 9:00 comes and goes. Everyone is eager to be the one to call Time Warner to discuss the situation (read: drunk). James says he doesn’t have the head to deal with it right now, so we forget about it.

10:20 – Buzzer rings, we count the people in the room. Everyone we know is here. James says incredulously, “No . . .” Speaks into the intercom: “Who is it?” Response: “Cable guy.” Immediately, my friend Matt says, “Everyone take your shirt off.”

Cable guy enters apartment where all six of us are carrying on bare chested – using the bathroom, making drinks, packing up boxes, etc. The cable guy is instantly terrified and unhooks the cable box in about 30 seconds before throwing the receipt at James for him to sign it. This becomes the best moment in Time Warner history (see here, and here, and here; and, for further reading on other parties affected, see here.)

10:23 – Put our shirts back on. (It was an awkward couple of minutes.)

12:55 (maybe) – At a neighborhood [college] bar for the cheap pitchers. For some reason, my friend James and I are tempted beyond control to dance. We proceed to dance with each other on a very small dance floor. The other dancers stare at us, either thinking a) I wish I was having that much fun or b) let’s not forget to mug these guys before we leave.

1:30 – Get a slice of Koronet pizza, which is approximately as big as the distance from your elbow to the tip of your middle finger.

2:20 – Get home, try in vain to stay awake drinking water and watching a Steven Segal movie. Instead, fall asleep forgetting to set my alarm clock to wake up the next morning in order to help James move to Brooklyn. Oops.

(Part 2 to come – We move to Brooklyn, and they have stop signs there!)


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