The Daily Dump

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Thursday, October 20

Being Nice May Finally Be Worth It


Genius advertising campaign.

Here’s how it works: Ricola has a “mystery cougher” touring around the country, coughing wherever he or she goes. If you offer the mystery cougher a Ricola to alleviate his or her scratchy throat, you win! The Mystery Cougher will offer you 50 envelopes to choose from containing checks ranging from $1,000 to $1,000,000.

The brilliance of this is manifold. First, it would be HILARIOUS to see someone rushing through a crowded subway station or a restaurant offering everyone who coughed a Ricola. What are the chances that someone gets beat up doing this? 10:1? 5:1? Hilarious. Second, I want TWO people in the same place rushing around offering everyone a Ricola, shoving each other out of the way to be the first one to offer the lozenge. Third, I want to see someone run up to a Spanish person who just coughed and offer them a Ricola, only to have the Spanish person make a gesture that they don’t understand and have the person FLIP OUT screaming, “How do you say, ‘Would you like a Ricola?’ in Spanish. HOW DO YOU SAY IT!” My head is spinning over this.

I heard on the radio this morning that the Mystery Cougher was in New York City today, so I signed up at the website. Then I read the official rules and the Frequently Asked Questions, which included the following gems:

I offered a Ricola to a person coughing but did not win.

You need to offer a Ricola to the official Ricola Mystery Cougher. If you offered someone a Ricola and they weren't the official Ricola Mystery Cougher you can still feel good that you did something nice.

What if I give the Mystery Cougher a Ricola at the same time as someone else?

It will be up to our official judges to determine who the first person to offer the Mystery Cougher a Ricola cough drop was. See the official rules for more details.

Fourth, I want to see two people offer a Ricola to a the Mystery Cougher at the same time and then have an official judge jump out of his hiding place and declare the proper winner. Seriously, I’m giddy over this.

UPDATE: I just received my first official clue by email:

This week, you could catch the Mystery Cougher reading a book at the library. Does he like a good mystery, or is she inspired by something a little more romantic?

A library? This is the best place to send someone to cough all day? Unbelievable . . .

But what’s even more unbelievable is that had I not woken up at just the right second to my clock radio this morning, I wouldn’t have heard a single word about this promotion. I can only assume that the majority of the people across the country didn’t hear about it, meaning that there is some poor person sitting in a library all day today coughing his brains out while the people around him think to themselves, “I wish this asshole would get a fucking Ricola or something.”

7 Comments:

What if you offer the Mystery Cougher a Halls?

Do they take out a knife and stab you?

By Blogger tall 1, at 12:35 PM  

mayhem spreads across the country! makes sense, though, people are always coughing in libraries. i think it's the musty book smell.

By Blogger Sub Girl, at 1:45 PM  

Other cough drop companies should create competing mysery coughers...you would never know which to offer..."Halls? Ricola? Sucrets? Glass of Robitussin? Dammit! WHICH ONE ARE YOU!!!"

By Blogger The Bourbon Samurai, at 1:56 PM  

Sorry to spoil the mystery, but I already encountered this cougher at my gym last night.

She got on the treadmill next to me and hacked her head off while I was running. I proceded to give her dirty looks for spreading her disease, but it was hard to turn my head enough to be effective without falling off the track. Finally, I gave a VERY AUDIBLE sigh and moved to the ellipticals two floors up. But Hacky McHack wasn't far behind - she followed me and of course, chose the elliptical right beside me, spewing germy airborne particles everywhere.

Needless to say I punched her right in the neck. If only I'd offered her a Ricola...we would be rich. Well, I would be rich and I would pay you for odd jobs, housekeeping, etc.

By Blogger T.G., at 3:07 PM  

I choked on a piece of cookie when I read, "Needless to say I punched her right in the neck."

By Blogger the belligerent intellectual, at 3:24 PM  

Today I was in Starbucks, still nursing a bit of a cold, and I started coughing. Some well-dressed gentleman came over and offered my a Smith Brothers cough drop. I took one look at him and said, "Are you a complete idiot? What if I were the mystery cougher? You could have just lost a million dollars? I don't want to take a cough drop from someone so stupid and unaware of the latest cough drop promotions." So, he left and I went back to my coughing.

By Anonymous Neil, at 3:31 PM  

I already used Ricola and I can say it works perfectly. At first I thought it didn't have sense, but after a ferw time my opinion change radically and now I can recommend it.

By Anonymous Generic Viagra, at 12:01 PM  

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