The Daily Dump

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Thursday, October 13

Holy Matrimony, Wholly Crap (Part 3)

You know what? The Artful (Judas) Dodger has a point. This is rambling. And you know why? Two reasons:

1. It was much funnier at the time, watching my family huddled at the end of a table, two drinks per person, with looks on their faces that said, “Is this really happening?”; and

2. The Artful Dodger is a bitter man.

So in an effort to conclude this epic tale of love in a Long Island catering hall, here we go – the reception highlights:

– There were mirrors on every wall of every room in the catering hall. I mean every wall. You couldn’t take a picture without having a flash bounce back at you from somewhere. My poor little sister actually became disoriented at one point. I thought she was going to live out one of those movie scenes where a person is stuck in a hall of mirrors with a killer and starts breaking mirrors trying to find which one is real.


– The food (more for it’s comedic value than for the nutritional value):










Even Nicole Richie would ask for more salad.











They forgot the eggs, bacon and cheese.











No, no – not so big. Please.


– The argument at our table over “live band” vs. DJ. I say that a DJ is always better, as long as he plays the music you want him to play and doesn’t score your wedding reception like it’s a roller skating rink. Everyone else says live band, at which point the live band at the reception breaks into “At Last” (cough, cliche, cough) by Etta James for the bride and groom’s song. This turns the topic of conversation to what my wedding song will be, which prompts The Girlfriend to get up and go to the bathroom. Then my mother, sister and I have this conversation:

Mom: “What song are you and I going to dance to at your wedding?”

Me: “I don’t know.”

Mom: “Well, the whole point of the mother/son dance is for the mother to have one last moment with her son before she gives him away to the bride. But there’s no way I’m ever giving you away.”

Me: “Why do I picture us dancing to “I’ll Be Watching You” by Sting?”

Mom: (laughing) “Great choice.” (then serious) “Great choice.”

















– THE CRYSTAL PANTHER!











– This quote (overheard while waiting at the bar) made by someone from the bride’s family in reference to the reception:

“This one is nice. I like it more than the last one. But the second one is still my favorite.”

– The Chocolate Fountain.













There was so much buzz about the chocolate fountain, you would have thought it was a record release party for the chocolate fountain. When it was finally unveiled, I have to admit it didn’t disappoint. Basically, it’s a cascading stream of melted chocolate that you dip strawberries, bananas or other pieces of fruit in. Or, if you’re like me, pieces of cake, cookies, coffee, your spoon and anything else you can find that will hold chocolate.




















But then, the most priceless moment of the night, when the bride comes over to our table and this exchange happens:

Bride: “So does everyone love the chocolate fountain?

Everyone: “Oh yeah, it’s great.”

Bride: “It is, isn’t it!” (to my older sister) “Did you have one at your wedding?”

Sister: (so confused) “No?”

Bride: “Oh . . .” (She leaves the table.)

Sister: “What the hell was that?”

The Girlfriend: “You should have said, ‘No, but at my fourth wedding, I definitely will.’”


– Party favors:










Because you can never have too many.

10 Comments:

I was reading yesterdays blog and one of my co-workers leans over me and starts reading it too. I am first afraid of what he'll read but then he walks away and says: "That headline made it seem like it was going to be interesting". I said: "I'll let you know if part 3 gets better." I won't be letting him know anything. Basically, the story did not have enough Joe (Mr.) Murphy.

By Blogger [Disgrundled], at 12:27 PM  

My dad said he hates you.

By Blogger the belligerent intellectual, at 12:34 PM  

All this talk of chocolate fountains and crystal panthers ALMOST makes me want to go back to cater waitering in Woodbury.

Ahhhhhhhhh the memories.

By Blogger tall 1, at 12:37 PM  

But the topping on the cake was when the groom had the band play a special song for his bride -- "When a man loves a woman" -- you know the one that says something along the lines of "she can do no wrong... Turn his back on his best friend if he puts her down." Very interesting don't you think?!!

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 1:05 PM  

Bravo Dan. And thanks for pointing out that i spell my blog (i have yet to publish anything) name wrong. Much like the new Star Wars movies Part 3 was the best.

By Blogger de Kooning's Spleen, at 3:53 PM  

i'm surprised you didn't get a picture of the insane step-dancing blonde. as if independent from her body!
after explaining the whole ordeal to my friend dan he said-
"i'd say that night would be like going to a mets world series, seeing them win, noticing jessica alba is selling subway right next to you and having jim carrey want to play jenga with you on the ride home."

it was a fun time.

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 4:42 PM  

I can't make any comments on how other people might find these posts. However I've enjoyed them if only in thinking that there's a slight chance someone from one of the involved families who have heard about "Daniels wonderful blog," (as I'm sure its a good family party conversation peice) will check it out, be appalled and start a war amongst families.

By Blogger My Novelty Organ, at 11:44 PM  

Holy crap...you think people read this? I could be in some big trouble. Stop using my name!

By Blogger the belligerent intellectual, at 11:58 PM  

What the hell is the third food picture of? It kind of looks like a dessert frosted burrito.

By Blogger The Bourbon Samurai, at 12:14 PM  

My god I might have to move to America to attend one of these crazy weddings. Although I would hope there's more food at most weddings. Apart from the fondue that was a wedding for people that met at a Weight Watchers weigh in meeting. And making you wait so late for the reception/food! Why didn’t they just have the service later?!

By Blogger Kate, at 11:04 PM  

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