It’s tough for me, being a non-practicing Catholic stuck in an office full of older Jewish men. Especially on days like today when everyone else is out celebrating a new year in the middle of October and I’m stuck here listening to the first 30 seconds of every song I can think of on iTunes. I’m not sure if it’s punishment that the office is even open today, but if it’s not obvious that the legal profession in New York is predominantly Jewish, I offer into evidence the fact that my phone has rang three times today – The Girlfriend, my mom and the most Italian man in the world who was unaware it was a Jewish holiday today.
And I already know what it’s going to be like when they get back. They’ll be hanging around the water cooler, talking about their New Years resolutions, making fun of our “calendar year” and such, and I’ll be the guy on the outside of the circle laughing on cue to stories about dropped matzo and interrupting every so often with things like, “That Abraham . . . he’s classic!” or “That reminds me of the time Jesus changed water into wine. Remember that?” And they’ll stop talking just long enough to pity me before switching over to Hebrew so I can’t understand them.
I know it shouldn’t bother me, seeing as how I’m affectionately referred to as “the pagan” in my family as it is, and if I called my mom to tell her my problem she would probably say something like, “Well now you know how Jesus felt!” before she went on complaining about having to host guests this weekend who were such pains in the asses. But when I watch all these DVD extras about how casts and crews call themselves “one big family” I can’t help but wonder, “Why can’t I have that at work? Do I have to become Jewish to fit in? Is Jewish the new pink? Has Carrie Bradshaw ever had a problem like this?”
And the inevitable answer is this: There’s no denying what they say is true – The [Jewish] holidays are the loneliest time of the year.