I don’t understand people who say they love the Fall (sorry, Matt). Try as I might, I can’t come up with any reason to love it. On the contrary, I can come up with a whole list of reasons to hate it. And you just have to read it. That’s why I called this post “A Top Five List Full Of Hate That You Just Have To Read.”
Top Five Reasons Why Fall Is A Bad Season
5. The “light jacket”
Too cold to wear only a sweater, not cold enough for a wool coat. Mom suggests wearing a light jacket. But what the hell is a light jacket? What are we talking about?: a jean jacket? a windbreaker? some khaki thing from L.L. Bean with your initials sewn in?
I’ve tried to wear a light jacket for almost 20 years now, and inevitably I end up looking like an older, chubbier, less fun version of myself. In the end, I end up wearing a sweatshirt with a zipper on it and The Girlfriend says things like, “That’s not a jacket,” and, “Oh, you’re wearing that? I just thought you would wear something nice.”
4. Things dying left and right
Am I the only one that finds it morally depraved for people to enjoy the leaves turning red and brown? They’re turning that color because THEY’RE DYING! How would you like it if the trees came around and watched you turn blue when your feeding tube was removed? I don’t think you’d like it one bit.
3. It thinks its shit doesn’t stink
Why does this season get a nickname? Every other season gets one name, and that’s enough. Not Autumn. Autumn needs an “a.k.a. Fall*” and not just because Autumn is so hard to spell. It’s because Autumn is the Puff Diddy of the four seasons. “Oh, don’t call me Autumn. That’s so waspish. I need to reconnect with my fans. Call me Fall. I like Fall better.”
2. Bad holidays
For a season that has so little going for it, you would think it would at least have one present giving holiday. Instead, we have Halloween (the most overrated holiday since Earth Day), a host of Jewish holidays that I’m not “allowed” to celebrate and Thanksgiving, which, while good in the food department, is severely lacking in the “you’re older and more mature than me, so you give me presents, but I don’t have to give you presents” (e.g. Easter).
1. Short, dark days of depression
Every day of Autumn we are inching closer and closer to the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. So basically that makes Fall the descention to the shit at the bottom of the barrel; a journey of depressing anticipation of the day that ranks 365 on the list of “365 Best Days of the Year.” Awesome.
The U.S. government has even tried to distract us with Daylight Savings Time, where we are told to turn our clocks back an hour at the end of October, prompting millions of office workers across the country to make painfully obvious comments about getting an extra hour of sleep. Really all this does in ensure you that when you get out of work at 5:30, it will already be pitch black and your serotonin levels will drop to dangerous lows.
* Not to mention that “the Fall” is only the single most tragic even in the history of Christianity, responsible for every generation of man to come being inherently flawed and feeling guilty for masturbating until the age of 17.