The Daily Dump

A place where everyone (me) is welcomed to express their opinions openly and honestly. I encourage free thinking, free wheeling, off-the-cuff banter and monetary donations.

Monday, October 10

A Top Five List Full Of Hate That You Just Have To Read

Today is officially the first “It you didn’t watch the weather channel this morning and assumed it was still nice out you’re screwed” day. 55 degrees when I left the house with the promise of maybe reaching 64. Meanwhile two days ago it was 75 with 110% humidity. Ah, New York in the Fall. Blows.

I don’t understand people who say they love the Fall (sorry, Matt). Try as I might, I can’t come up with any reason to love it. On the contrary, I can come up with a whole list of reasons to hate it. And you just have to read it. That’s why I called this post “A Top Five List Full Of Hate That You Just Have To Read.”

Top Five Reasons Why Fall Is A Bad Season

5. The “light jacket”

Too cold to wear only a sweater, not cold enough for a wool coat. Mom suggests wearing a light jacket. But what the hell is a light jacket? What are we talking about?: a jean jacket? a windbreaker? some khaki thing from L.L. Bean with your initials sewn in?

I’ve tried to wear a light jacket for almost 20 years now, and inevitably I end up looking like an older, chubbier, less fun version of myself. In the end, I end up wearing a sweatshirt with a zipper on it and The Girlfriend says things like, “That’s not a jacket,” and, “Oh, you’re wearing that? I just thought you would wear something nice.”

4. Things dying left and right

Am I the only one that finds it morally depraved for people to enjoy the leaves turning red and brown? They’re turning that color because THEY’RE DYING! How would you like it if the trees came around and watched you turn blue when your feeding tube was removed? I don’t think you’d like it one bit.

3. It thinks its shit doesn’t stink

Why does this season get a nickname? Every other season gets one name, and that’s enough. Not Autumn. Autumn needs an “a.k.a. Fall*” and not just because Autumn is so hard to spell. It’s because Autumn is the Puff Diddy of the four seasons. “Oh, don’t call me Autumn. That’s so waspish. I need to reconnect with my fans. Call me Fall. I like Fall better.”

2. Bad holidays

For a season that has so little going for it, you would think it would at least have one present giving holiday. Instead, we have Halloween (the most overrated holiday since Earth Day), a host of Jewish holidays that I’m not “allowed” to celebrate and Thanksgiving, which, while good in the food department, is severely lacking in the “you’re older and more mature than me, so you give me presents, but I don’t have to give you presents” (e.g. Easter).

1. Short, dark days of depression

Every day of Autumn we are inching closer and closer to the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. So basically that makes Fall the descention to the shit at the bottom of the barrel; a journey of depressing anticipation of the day that ranks 365 on the list of “365 Best Days of the Year.” Awesome.

The U.S. government has even tried to distract us with Daylight Savings Time, where we are told to turn our clocks back an hour at the end of October, prompting millions of office workers across the country to make painfully obvious comments about getting an extra hour of sleep. Really all this does in ensure you that when you get out of work at 5:30, it will already be pitch black and your serotonin levels will drop to dangerous lows.


* Not to mention that “the Fall” is only the single most tragic even in the history of Christianity, responsible for every generation of man to come being inherently flawed and feeling guilty for masturbating until the age of 17.


Fall is my favorite season, you bastard.

By Blogger citizen, at 2:46 PM  

What did Fall ever do to you?

And while the Diddy comment was funny, you just insulted Fall by comparing it to him.

I'm going to take Fall out for a drink now and make it feel better. Maybe a Pumpkin Ale, which is one of the reasons Fall is great.

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 2:55 PM  

I need reasons why Fall is a good season. I'm utterly unconvinced. And pumpkin doesn't cut it. In fact:

6. The seasonal props are pumpkins and hay. Oh, and corn. How exciting.

By Blogger the belligerent intellectual, at 3:02 PM  

What about me?

I know you love me.

Don't try and say you don't.

By Anonymous Pumpkin Muffin, at 3:23 PM  

The dangers of having a blog: Old flames coming back to haunt you. Pumpkin Muffin... I haven't thought of you since Pittsburg, '01. The most unlikely of places, the most unlikely of affairs...

By Blogger the belligerent intellectual, at 3:37 PM  

I too love fall. I think Halloween is a great holiday! When else can you dress up like a ninja and steal candy from unexpectant 8 year olds!!! :)

By Blogger ShellBug526, at 3:51 PM  

Fall is great for many reasons. One of those reasons is that you can make it from your apartment to the office without needing to take another shower or stand in the bathroom for 10 minutes cooling down. Seriously, Dan, summer in the city is awful. How can you NOT be excited for fall??

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 6:12 PM  

I respect your bitter rant even though I don't wgree with it. I fnally stopped sweating through my clohes on the subway that may be the one reason Fall is best. Also, invest in a stylish Tweed blazer and your world will change. Also, Fall is the season of warm drinks, walks through the park and womem in wool skirts and boots. Boots dan and legs and skirts! It should be called "Legs" instead of Fall, or The Fall of my Moral Standing in that all I do is get caught ooogling legs as I walk around the city...BOOTS AND LEGS!!

By Blogger de Kooning's Spleen, at 10:35 AM  

Boots and legs is the first convincing argument I've heard, although I do enjoy stealing things from children.

By Blogger the belligerent intellectual, at 10:40 AM  

How can you not like Thanksgiving. All you have to do is watch football while the women in your family cook a feast. Then its perfectly acceptable to take a nap. Not only that but its a four day weekend. What are you a communist?

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 11:34 AM  

i like it
the entry i mean.
fall can blow me.

By Blogger The Garbologist, at 6:48 PM  

Post a Comment

Links to this post:


<< Home