The Daily Dump

A place where everyone (me) is welcomed to express their opinions openly and honestly. I encourage free thinking, free wheeling, off-the-cuff banter and monetary donations.

Tuesday, November 1

Birthday Week, Part 1: A History Of Violins, All Playing For Me

Now that Halloween is over, we can finally celebrate the greatest holiday of the year: All Saints Day.

I’m joking. While it may be important for some to celebrate the deaths of deeply religious people who did “good deeds” and were “meek” and “performed miracles” and “loved others a lot,” we’ve got more important things going on here. November 1st officially marks (wait for it, while I turn on my echo sound effect) One Week Until My Birthday-day-day-day . . .

So, for the rest of the week, I will be writing birthday oriented posts. At first I was a little leery about writing all about me, me, me for an entire week. Then I realized that this is my blog and I can write whatever the hell I want to write and if you don’t like it you can bite me. (Just make sure you continue reading and sending fan mail to digthedump@gmail.com.)

Here’s the post schedule for the week:

Today

A Brief History of my life Leading Up to One Week Before My 26th Birthday

Tomorrow

A Brief Survey of Some Especially Memorable Past Birthdays

Thursday

What I Want (And Don’t Want) For My 26th Birthday

Friday

Me In My Birthday Suit

I don’t think I need to coax you into sticking around until Friday.

___________________________________

I was born on November 7th, 1979. I will affectionately refer to myself as “a child of the 70’s” for quite some time before it loses it’s quirky appeal. It has not done so as of yet.

My due date was officially November 14th, meaning I was one week early. No surprise I was eager to escape the womb. Even today I am often very hot and uncomfortable in enclosed spaces and generally enjoy a bit of fresh air. When I was about 15, however, I suddenly discovered that if you count back nine months from November 14th, you arrive at February 14th, meaning I was the direct result of a really, really good Valentine’s day present. I suppose there are worse ways to be conceived, such as my younger sister, 10 years my junior, of whose conception my mother has often commented, “Boy, that was unlikely.”

I didn’t start speaking until I was about four years old, at which time I awoke one morning and asked my mom what was for breakfast. I can only imagine that I was: a) silently taking in everything around me, plotting my way to dominate the family structure, b) an infant genius bored by my company, or c) suffering from the lingering effects of my older sister enjoying a good game of “Knock Him Over,” a favorite pastime of hers where she would walk up to my crib, knock me over and wait for me to sit back up before knocking me over again.

In any event, once I realized that my mouth did more than chew and drool, I caught on to the English language rather well. Indeed, I would later major in English at college, an act not very unlike throwing $80,000 off a bridge.

I was very smart, very early. However, perhaps due to the “playful beatings” at the hands of my sister, I was socially inept. Heeding the advice of my nursery school teacher, my mother held me back. In nursery school. In retrospect, I should probably consider this the low point of my life.

After my second year of nursery school I was ready to take on the world. I breezed through kindergarten with the best show-and-tells and an unhealthy obsession with Donkey Kong. In grade one, Danny Sacrestano peed his pants in class. It wasn’t until grade two that I began to fear my own genius. In spelling bees, I would purposely spell words wrong in order not to seem overly smart. This trend would continue through to 8th grade math bees where I give the wrong answer and moments later, sit down with a sigh saying, “I can’t believe I forgot to carry the one.” I can only imagine how proud my parents are reading this now.

Grades 4 through 7 were nondescript, defined solely by my hair style and my girlfriends (and the birth of my little sister, who, if a boy, I wanted to name “Jordan” after the New Kid on the Block). At age nine the hair cut was “high and tight,” a flat-top do, complete with zip-zap lines shaved into the sides. The girlfriend at the time was Christine Aguiar. She has a spiral perm and a nervous tick. By age 12 I had moved onto the Zach Morris haircut. I still tear up at the thought of a 12 year old me using a hairdryer every morning. I think my dad does too. My girlfriend then was Jennifer Cappobianco. I bought her a locket for Valentine’s day and wrote a rap song for her, but she still left me for Richard Velázquez, who was a faster runner than me.

Things really picked up after that when I became grunge, grew my hair out and dated Dawn DiOrio. We had a great relationship, passing notes and watching TV together on the phone. Until, that is, I broke my wrist testing my friend Don’s homemade “grappling hook” and fell out of a tree. Our school trip that year was to a nearby beach and with me not being able to go in the water due to my cast, Dawn broke up with me in favor of Danny Sacrestano. Obviously a cast is too much to bear, but the memory of your boyfriend PEEING HIS PANTS IN CLASS is easily overcome.

Fast-forward to high school where I went to a catholic school of 2,000, none of whom lived further away from the school than I did. I made “local” friends who went to public school and cursed and drank. I dated a blond named Jill Demico and got good grades. Then I started reading existentialist literature and stopped doing exceptionally well in school, won a couple of hockey championships and dated a brunette named Natalie 1. I call her Natalie 1 because soon after I arrived at college we broke up and I started dating Natalie 2. I drove a Saturn and in the summers worked on a ferry, the best job known to man.

College was great, except that I didn’t get on campus housing at Fordham so I had to find an apartment my freshman year. I ended up living in Brooklyn in the “not so good” part of town with “not so good” roommates who were DJs, drug dealers and born again Christians. I took the A train home late at night from bars and it is amazing I am alive to talk about it.

After that I moved to the Upper East Side where I took an assortment of apartments. I worked at Texas Barbecue for three days before quitting and taking a job at a law firm – the same law firm I work at today. My career has been what you might call “stagnant.” I dated Natalie 2 on and off for years, filling gaps with a Russian rhythmic gymnast, another Russian with large breasts (I refer to it as “My Russian Period”) and various other girls who I prefer not remembering. Or who prefer not remembering me. Something like that.

That brings us up to graduation, meeting The Girlfriend, moving in together, moving out together, traveling a little bit, cooking some really great dinners, developing an unhealthy obsession with chocolate chip cookies, watching every episode of “Law and Order” ever made and then, in April of this year, starting up a blog called “The Daily Dump,” which, depressingly enough, may prove to be my crowning achievement. Unless you count the time when I flipped a lemon wedge off the rim of my pint of Blue Moon and it flipped through the air and, I can’t stress this enough, MIRACULOUSLY landed on the rim of a neighboring pint of beer, perched as though the bartender had placed it there himself. Who am I kidding, of course that’s my piece de resistance. That will never happen again in the history of time.

In summation, 25 years 358 days, no kids, no “career,” very little responsibility, addicted to vitamin and herbal supplements, a girlfriend that poops less than a hibernating bear, a wonderfully odd collection of friends (one of whom holds a legitimate grudge against Hootie and the Blowfish for releasing Fairweather Johnson too soon after Crack Rear View) and a lower back that often hurts in the morning. 26 is going to be the best “age made up of a combination of two even numbers” since 24. I can see it now.

22 Comments:

Wow nice work. If you like cookies, I walked into work today and apparently it is Girl Scout cookie sale time.

By Blogger Betty, at 12:57 PM  

I think I flubbed what could've been my life's greatest achievement when I purposely took a dive in the fourth-grade spelling bee finals. Maybe I should stop putting that near-win on my resume.

p.s. my girlfriend and I do kind of a pooping tango, where we (inadvertantly) swap regularity each week.

By Blogger jesse, at 12:58 PM  

I KNOW DANNY SACRESTANO! If it makes you feel any better, he was a huge dork in high school and I'm pretty sure he kept the Zach Morris haircut until at least senior year.

And good post, but I feel like you skirted over high school rather quickly. The Dan/Tom/Kris/Don combo was like the practice version to your current group of friends. At the very least, the bag of fun deserved a mention.

By Blogger Libby Mae Brown, at 1:22 PM  

You flipped the lemon wedge from the Blue Moon to T.G.'s glass of white wine.

Jesus...get the facts right.

By Blogger tall 1, at 1:29 PM  

Highly compelling. And Happy Beginning of Birthday week to you.

By Blogger Momentary Academic, at 1:47 PM  

Loved the peek into your life. You've got a great blog.. I'll be sure to visit again.

ooohh.. and Happy Birthday. :-)

By Blogger Audrey, at 2:19 PM  

"Indeed, I would later major in English at college, an act not very unlike throwing $80,000 off a bridge."

Wow do I understand that! Post 80,000 English invest dollars, I worked as an accountant (go figure!) and now I work for a credit company. Neither of which really involve the English language outside of being able to say my name correctly.

By Blogger Silent All These Years, at 2:28 PM  

blue moon is delicious. happy beginning of birthday count down.

By Blogger The Bourbon Samurai, at 2:37 PM  

okay, so scratch my previous comment. this may be my favorite post ever. i'm already preparing for the inadvertent day when you decide to shut down the daily dump like that other girl.

lotsa non-anglo-juding-by-their-names girlfriends...way to go with the open dating practice.

By Blogger VespaRosso, at 3:10 PM  

I think it is brilliant of you to do a whole week of posts about you, for your Birthday! I have trained my family, that I do not get a Birthday DAY, I get a WEEK.
A Birthday WEEK allows for all your family and friends to get in on celebrating YOU, and not being late, due to the celebration lasting a mere 24 hours. It's convenient, and it's all YOU for one glorious week! So as this is the official start of your Brithday WEEK, allow me to be the first to wish you a VERY Happy Birthday Belligerent Intellectual!
;-)3T

By Anonymous 3rdtimesacharm( 3T ), at 3:46 PM  

I enjoyed reading this post and will definitely be back. You sounded like a cute kid. I was the competitive one in class that didn't give a hoot about letting them know I was smart. It's funny how we think as kids :-)

By Blogger NML, at 4:27 PM  

Oh, happy week before your birthday! I wish I could say I flubbed the spelling bees...I'm just a shitty speller.

By Blogger RitMeyer, at 5:33 PM  

flipping a lemon wedge from one beer to another? puh-lease. I once threw a peanut into my boyfriend's mouth when we were each at opposite sides of my apartment - at least 30 feet away (yeah, small apt but you know how it goes on the UES). It's the crowning achievement of both of our lives (which of course we've tried to replicate millions of times - unsuccessfully and at the cost of hundreds of cans of peanuts). We still reminisce about it to this day. We're going to try it standing at opposite ends of the aisle on our wedding day. yeah, it's all downhill from here.

Marty didn't get even a tiny shout-out? You date a woman taller than you AND NAMED MARTY and you don't even mention her but "a blond named Jill" gets her props? poor marty.

By Blogger Lizzie, at 5:55 PM  

Jill gave me pretty scunchies :)

- b.i.'s little sister, the mistake, the unexpected one, the one he used to "take down" on the couch, and the one he used to call "fruit" before i ever knew what it meant.

p.s. i agree with libbymaebrown about the whole tom/don/kris group. you guys rocked. GET THE LAMBCHOP VIDEO ON THE BLOG!

p.p.s. and the coconut from florida video.

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 6:44 PM  

scrunchies* oops.

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 6:45 PM  

LOL @"an act not very unlike throwing $80,000 off a bridge."

You were a N.K.O.T.B Fan?? Bawaaahahaha!

I mean so was I, Did you have the n.k.o.t.b garb to go with it??? hee hee!

-r.a.

P.S. I'm going to print this out and read the rest on my commute home, so much fun! *sorry if I show overt excitement about your "material" =)

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 7:10 PM  

P.S.S.

Where is the B-day ticker tape????

1!

Happy B-day Countdown B.I.

-r.a.

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 7:13 PM  

OK, that's a little scary. There's an actual anonymous person out there who knows not only of the lamb chop video, but also of the Florida coconut video? This could be trouble.

By Blogger the belligerent intellectual, at 9:12 PM  

Please post a picture of Scott (I'm obviously one day late and much less funny)...Almost applauded after reading your last two posts. Kind of like as a kid when you almost clap instead of saying amen at church. instead in this situation im sitting on the toilet at work...just a hair different.

By Blogger My Novelty Organ, at 9:18 PM  

Great, so now I'm the abusive older sister. You know you loved the knock-down game! I have it on good authority that you giggled the entire time!

And where's our picture of Scott?

By Blogger Belligerent Sister, at 9:26 AM  

Brain hemmoraging has been known to make a person giddy.

And parmigiana cheese is to be bought at an Itlaian store where it is freshly grated off a huge block of cheese that was imported from Italy and made by someone named Luigi or Antonio.

By Blogger the belligerent intellectual, at 10:01 AM  

HA! @ B.I. with regards to your wierd "parm cheese rule"

-r.a.

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 11:59 AM  

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