The Daily Dump

A place where everyone (me) is welcomed to express their opinions openly and honestly. I encourage free thinking, free wheeling, off-the-cuff banter and monetary donations.

Thursday, November 3

Birthday Week, Part 3: I Forgot To Call The Previous Post Part 2.

I’ve been throwing out some pretty long winded posts lately, so I’ll just go with a list for this one. Contact me here for details on where presents can be sent.

Four days and counting.

Things I do not want for my birthday

“Knows Your Name” Elmo

The new Elmo comes with a CD-ROM and a USB cable that lets parents download personal information about a child – like his or her favorite color or birthday – into the plush doll.

The last thing I need is an Elmo doll laying on my couch saying things like: (Elmo voice) “November 7, 1979. Happy Birthday, Daniel Murphy!” or “Your social security number is 0-6-5 . . .”

Nor for that matter do I want . . .

“Shout” Singing and Dancing Elmo

When I have nightmares, these are the things I dream of.

A Star

Seriously, is there a cheesier gift than this? I’m not trying to be an asshole; I get how it’s sweet and sentimental and eternal and shit, but really – you name a star after a loved one and that star is billions of light years away and only perceptible with a million dollar electron microscope and will never, ever come into play in any aspect of life ever again. I mean, do you think there are astrologists sitting around their office saying things like, “I’m seeing some real activity from Nicole Barnwell,” or “Look right there, right between Horace Van Brunt and Sissy Parker?” Because I don’t think they are.

Playmobil Airport Security Toys

What’s the tagline here – “Targeting terrorists is fun and easy?”

And why does the set come with an extra gun? So you can plant the gun in the suitcase, run it through the x-ray machine, then have the British police officer with the mop hair-do beat the suspect into submission with his tennis racquet? On second though, that could be kind of fun.

This Book

Because I have nothing else to say about this, here’s a funny conversation I had this morning with a telemarketer:

Telemarketer (Indian accent, fuzzy connection): “Hello, may I speak with the retard?”

Me: “Excuse me?

Telemarketer: “Yes, may I please speak with the person in charge?”

Me: (pause) “Oh . . . Well that’s me.”

I’m the retard. Sounds about right.

Things I do want for my birthday

Mrs. Fields Cookie of the Month

I know I have a problem, but it’s not like I’m addicted to smack or anything. At least I’m not in a crack-den having sex with a tranny for a fix. (P.S. That guy at the outlet mall doesn’t count. He told me he was clean, and I believe him.)

“Arrested Development” T-Shirt

I can’t say it enough – this is the funniest show on television. If this show gets cancelled, I will personally kidnap Charlie Sheen and make a video of me slowly beating him to death with a wiffle bat to send a message to America that “Two and a Half Men” is NOT ACCEPTABLE.

While we’re here, a quote from a recent “Arrested Development” episode:

Tobias: “Okay, Lindsay, are you forgetting that I was a professional twice over - an analyst and a therapist. The world's first analrapist.”

Lindsay: “Yes, and you were almost arrested for those business cards.”


Buster: “Well, Mom’s probably right. I couldn’t even stand up to a seal. I don’t real deserve a medal or a party.

Tobias: “No, you deserve this. Here, take my business card.

Buster: “Gah!

Tobias: “No, no, it’s pronounced a-NAL-rapist.

Buster: “It wasn’t really the pronunciation that bothered me.”

A Sex Coupon Book From The Girlfriend

I’ve been trying to get one of these for years. Who doesn’t love coupons? Although if she did give me one, I would probably unwrap it, pause a moment to look at it, chuckle and then immediately hand it back to her to redeem every coupon inside.

A Sex Coupon Book From Mandy Moore

I have also been trying to get one of these for years. Her P.R. person has NOT been helpful in getting back to me.

A Prosthetic Hand

I just think I could have a lot of fun with this. Among the jokes that would never stop being funny:

Helping friend move.

Friend: “Can someone give me a hand with this?”

Me: (Offer them prosthetic hand.)

At a concert.

Announcer: “Give him a hand, ladies and gentlemen.”

Me: (Throw prosthetic hand on stage.)

When friend comes to me for advice.

Friend: “I just don’t know. I mean, I love my job now. But this could be such a great opportunity.”

Me: “Well you know what they say . . .” (Produce prosthetic hand with dead bird in it.)

(Note: While I was looking at the website to get the picture of the prosthetic hand, a woman in the office came up to me and asked if I had prepared the paychecks yet. I scrambled to minimize the screen, but underneath it was another window open with pictures of the Playmobil Airport security. I told her I hadn’t gotten to it yet.)


I love the prosthetic hand idea. And just tell the woman in the office that the gifts are for your child that you just found out about. That would be shocking enough to keep her quiet.

By Blogger Momentary Academic, at 2:48 PM  



P.S. Happy almost b-day! =p

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 2:55 PM  

You also need to put "Sleep and Snore" Ernie on your NO list. It's an older toy, but just as terrifying today as it was when it first came out. Someone once bought me that and it would bust out with, "I'm SOOOOOOOO sleepy!" at completely random times of the night. I was sure that it was going to murder me in my sleep.

By Blogger green_canary, at 3:05 PM  

I gave my ex sex coupons for his birthday once. Honestly, it was just because I forgot to get him a real present. Nothing says love and thoughtfulness like making a present out of something you'd do anyway.

Gotta go get my money back from the Universal Star Company...

By Blogger Lizzie, at 3:47 PM  

Coincidentally enough... it's my birthday on November 6th, AND I have a prosthetic hand just laying under my bed.

Seriously. Where do you want it sent?

Sucks your birthday's on a Monday... unless being hungover at work isn't that big of a deal.

By Blogger Kelly, at 3:50 PM  

You wrote "sex" in a blog your mom reads. Woah.

By Blogger Cupcake, at 5:03 PM  

OMG. that was too funny. I have not seen Arrested Development.. but "analrapist".. god. I think I may just have to start watching that.
And a sex coupon book? What a novel idea. I'm gonna file that away as good 'birthday gift' ideas for the boyfriend (not that I have one.. but hey - one can always hope)...

By Blogger Audrey, at 5:13 PM  

OMG you are too funny...

It looks like you need a kid for your bday like you tried to sell to me!!



Thanks for stopping by!!

By Blogger Just Some Gal, at 6:14 PM  

Lol, caught at work. I have received the sex coupon book before, isn't exactly the same coming from a guy. As if he would even be unwilling to do it in the first place. :)

By Anonymous Emily, at 6:18 PM  

Yeah, I've even tried to force a sex coupon book on The Girlfriend in the past. It's like trying to pay someone back for lunch when they refuse to take your money.

(P.S. Sleep and Snore Ernie sounds TERRIFYING. As does keeping a prosthetic hand under your bed. My readers scare me sometimes.)

By Blogger the belligerent intellectual, at 6:36 PM  

Arrested Development - TV show or character trait.......

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 7:17 PM  

Excellent taste all around -- although I'm somewhat concerned about the anti-Sesame Street vibe. I haven't done a coupon book in ages...might be time to warm up the printer on that...

By Blogger Megarita, at 7:30 PM  

Megarita, like I told Clown Face, I'm in a happy, committed relationship. But the offer is quite flattering indeed.

By Blogger the belligerent intellectual, at 8:51 PM  

You're still scarred from when Mr. Hooper died, aren't you?

By Blogger RetroDragon, at 8:59 PM  

you always make me laugh.. and i had no idea playmobile had gotten into the air port business.

By Blogger Fidget, at 9:02 PM  

Funny stuff. I'm so jealous of your surprise birthday parties. People in my family seem to like me to help organize everything. I get no surprises. But I'm glad I'm not the only one who celebrates a "birthday week". Actually, this year I did a fortnight. I'm thinking about expanding to the whole month next year.

By Blogger Jill, at 9:22 PM  

I love your blog...very funny. I wouldn't want any of those things for my birthday, either. In fact, I don't want any more birthdays, period.

By Blogger Laine Morgan, at 9:23 PM  

I don't think you look at stars with an electron MICROscope.

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 9:54 PM  

HAHAHA, I didn't catch that one.

But I did catch, ". . .do you think there are astrologists sitting around their office . . ." I don't think astrologists have offices. They have rooms in their apartment separated by hanging beads. Maybe an astronomer would have an office.

I've got to stop writing these things while I'm on the phone.

By Blogger the belligerent intellectual, at 10:10 PM  


By Blogger green_canary, at 9:50 AM  

Whoever decided that animatronic Elmo dolls would be a good idea should be tarred and feathered, drawn and quartered, and publicly flogged. Then the REAL torture and humilitation should start.

I actually had to take that "Shout" Elmo thing out of our shopping cart after my wife thought it would be a cool birthday present for my 2-year-old daughter. I had to remind her of the non-stop chatter of her E-L-M-O toy. If you're not familiar with that one, it changes the lyrics of the Village People's "YMCA" to spell out Elmo's name. It even does the hand gestures. I want to kill her uncle for giving it to her.

Arrested Development: I agree completely, one of the funniest shows on TV.

Two and a Half Men: I disagree completely, one of the funniest shows on TV. Nothing funnier than a chubby dumb kid with a nerdly dad getting schooled in life from his cool, smartass, womanizing, drunk uncle. Sure, its not intellectually stimulating, but neither were Beavis and Butt-head, and they were one of the funniest things going in the early 90s. Plus, Charlie gets a lot of hot chicks.

By Blogger Jake, at 9:56 AM  

OK, you caught me. I've never actually watched an episode of "Two and a Half Men." I just kept picturing Charlie Sheen saying to the kid, "Don't smoke, it's bad for you." (lights cigarette, crowd roars with laughter.) How about changing it to "Reba?" "Reba" is not OK.

By Blogger the belligerent intellectual, at 10:07 AM  

I had an eerily similar situation to your "retard" situation with the telemarketer. I'm going to shamelessly plug where I blogged about it:

Very funny post, by the way!

By Blogger Hope, at 10:24 AM  

I love arrested development and it bothers me to no end that people don't watch it, but yet (and I completely agree), people think Reba and How I met your mother is acceptable television. Ummm no.

By Blogger Heather B., at 11:01 AM  

I can't imagine why anoyone would want that book.

By Blogger Melliferous Pants, at 4:17 PM  

I had a fake hand slammed in the trunk of my car as a joke until the state troopers showed up at my door one night. They suggested I remove it.

By Blogger Johnny Virgil, at 5:22 PM  

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