I’ve been throwing out some pretty long winded posts lately, so I’ll just go with a list for this one. Contact me here for details on where presents can be sent.
Four days and counting.
Things I do not want for my birthday
“Knows Your Name” Elmo
The new Elmo comes with a CD-ROM and a USB cable that lets parents download personal information about a child – like his or her favorite color or birthday – into the plush doll.
The last thing I need is an Elmo doll laying on my couch saying things like: (Elmo voice) “November 7, 1979. Happy Birthday, Daniel Murphy!” or “Your social security number is 0-6-5 . . .”
Nor for that matter do I want . . .
“Shout” Singing and Dancing Elmo
When I have nightmares, these are the things I dream of.
Seriously, is there a cheesier gift than this? I’m not trying to be an asshole; I get how it’s sweet and sentimental and eternal and shit, but really – you name a star after a loved one and that star is billions of light years away and only perceptible with a million dollar electron microscope and will never, ever come into play in any aspect of life ever again. I mean, do you think there are astrologists sitting around their office saying things like, “I’m seeing some real activity from Nicole Barnwell,” or “Look right there, right between Horace Van Brunt and Sissy Parker?” Because I don’t think they are.
Playmobil Airport Security Toys
What’s the tagline here – “Targeting terrorists is fun and easy?”
And why does the set come with an extra gun? So you can plant the gun in the suitcase, run it through the x-ray machine, then have the British police officer with the mop hair-do beat the suspect into submission with his tennis racquet? On second though, that could be kind of fun.
Because I have nothing else to say about this, here’s a funny conversation I had this morning with a telemarketer:
Telemarketer (Indian accent, fuzzy connection): “Hello, may I speak with the retard?”
Me: “Excuse me?”
Telemarketer: “Yes, may I please speak with the person in charge?”
Me: (pause) “Oh . . . Well that’s me.”
I’m the retard. Sounds about right.
Things I do want for my birthday
I know I have a problem, but it’s not like I’m addicted to smack or anything. At least I’m not in a crack-den having sex with a tranny for a fix. (P.S. That guy at the outlet mall doesn’t count. He told me he was clean, and I believe him.)
“Arrested Development” T-Shirt
I can’t say it enough – this is the funniest show on television. If this show gets cancelled, I will personally kidnap Charlie Sheen and make a video of me slowly beating him to death with a wiffle bat to send a message to America that “Two and a Half Men” is NOT ACCEPTABLE.
While we’re here, a quote from a recent “Arrested Development” episode:
Tobias: “Okay, Lindsay, are you forgetting that I was a professional twice over - an analyst and a therapist. The world's first analrapist.”
Buster: “It wasn’t really the pronunciation that bothered me.”
A Sex Coupon Book From The Girlfriend
I’ve been trying to get one of these for years. Who doesn’t love coupons? Although if she did give me one, I would probably unwrap it, pause a moment to look at it, chuckle and then immediately hand it back to her to redeem every coupon inside.
A Sex Coupon Book From Mandy Moore
I have also been trying to get one of these for years. Her P.R. person has NOT been helpful in getting back to me.
A Prosthetic Hand
I just think I could have a lot of fun with this. Among the jokes that would never stop being funny:
Helping friend move.
Friend: “Can someone give me a hand with this?”
Me: (Offer them prosthetic hand.)
At a concert.
Announcer: “Give him a hand, ladies and gentlemen.”
Me: (Throw prosthetic hand on stage.)
When friend comes to me for advice.
Friend: “I just don’t know. I mean, I love my job now. But this could be such a great opportunity.”
Me: “Well you know what they say . . .” (Produce prosthetic hand with dead bird in it.)
(Note: While I was looking at the website to get the picture of the prosthetic hand, a woman in the office came up to me and asked if I had prepared the paychecks yet. I scrambled to minimize the screen, but underneath it was another window open with pictures of the Playmobil Airport security. I told her I hadn’t gotten to it yet.)