I had a great weekend, I think. Unfortunately after my rocking birthday party (shared with my friend Matt, who’s birthday is tomorrow, holla) on Friday night, I came home and, still enraged at the cancellation of “Arrested Development,” decided that 3:00 in the morning was a good time to write my letter to FOX. So combine seven vodka tonics, mind-numbing rage and my decision to write the letter in my own blood, and well that’s a sure-fire recipe for a black out. (A tip to my readers: When attempting to write a threatening letter in your own blood, keep it short. You’d be surprised how much blood it takes for a 150 word note.)
The letter came out pretty good. At first I tried bleeping out all the curses, a creative nod to the show, but that got tedious and confusing because “I’m going to shoot you in your [bleeping] [bleep]” leaves too much to the imagination if you ask me. Ass? Balls? Where am I going to shoot you? I like to make my threats specific. It’s a proven fact that specific threats are more effective. Telling someone you’re going to kill them isn’t nearly as terrifying as telling them that you are going to stab them in the ear canal. I would believe someone if they told me they were going to stab me in the ear canal.
But enough of this negative talk. It’s not a good way to start a week and, logistically, it’s certainly not a good idea to write on your blog about anonymous death threats you send people. What I’ve decided to do is, in between watching my ‘Arrested Development” DVDs and crying into my pillow crocheted with “My goal in life is to be the kind of person my dog thinks I am,” to distract myself with good thoughts and fun posts. Hence, this week will be dedicated to “Good Thoughts and Fun Posts.” And I can’t think of anything more fun than staying home from work, eating macaroni and cheese and watching hours of Dawson’s Creek and Girls Gone Wild videos.
Being that I can’t really do that, nor would that make for entertaining reading here, instead I’m going to expound on an idea I threw out a few days ago: My Top Five List Of 80’s Sitcom Daughter Crushes. I hastily threw out five off the top of my head that day, and I have to apologize for that. It was irresponsible of me. Something as important as this deserves a full treatment; so that’s exactly what I am going to give it. Let’s just say that I did only three things yesterday: 1. watched football, 2. ate, 3. researched 80’s sitcom daughters. (Flash over to scene of The Girlfriend shaking her head, logging into Jdate.)
(Note before I start: I know I’m writing about girls who were between the ages of 12 and 15 when they were on these shows, and yes I’m 26 years old now so I see how you might find this “creepy” or “revolting.” But remember that I was the same age as these girls when I liked them back in the 80’s. Just like it’s not gross when it’s two kids making shadow puppets in a closet, it’s not gross when it’s a memory. Unless you’re a Mormon, then it’s always gross. Or unless it’s Punky Brewster. I lost sleep over Punky Brewster being in the running for this list because I KNEW that the only reason I even considered her is because she has since grown into quite the woman – meaning that I was ignoring my original opinion on her (not cute, annoying) in favor of my present day one (want to see topless). In the end, I couldn’t compromise my integrity like that.*)
Anyway, since there are five days in a week, I figure it will work well to cover one girl a day starting with #5 today and culminating with #1 on Friday. And if this isn’t the kind of topic that you enjoy, you can piss off. This is my blog. Go read someone else’s this week. (I’m kidding, I’m ALWAYS kidding when I write that. Please, read mine.)
This was my original, off-the-cuff list:
#5 Tracy Wells (“Mr. Belvedere”)
#4 Dana Plato (“Different Strokes”)
#3 Ari “Underdog” Meyers (“Kate and Ally”)
#2 Justine Bateman (“Family Ties”)
#1 Nicole Eggert (“Charles in Charge”)
Not a bad list, but I wouldn’t take it on a book tour. I mean, my exclusion of Alyssa Milano is borderline criminal. If I had known what stalking was when I was 11, I probably would have tried it out on Alyssa Milano. So I’ve got to make a few adjustments. I won’t lie and say that Nicole Eggert won’t still be #1 come Friday, because there is no way anyone is unseating Nicole Eggert. But some of the other names on the list changed.
Without further ado, I give you my new and improved #5:
#5 Maureen Flannigan “Out of This World”
Bumping Tracy Wells from the list is the part-alien / part-hottie who played Evie on the sitcome “Out of This World.” You may remember her as the girl who talked to Burt Reynolds (her alien father) through a crystal in her room.
She was also the girl who froze time by touching the tips of her index fingers together and had the ability to “gleep” objects into existence. I think she did this with a pronounced blink of her eyes. That’s the only rational explanation of the abundance of pictures available of Evie with her eyes closed.
Despite her unfortunate wardrobe, I still remember thinking that somewhere, in a universe much different than ours, Evie and I could have been happy together. Not just because of her blond ponytail but because her extraterrestrial powers would make house chores so easy. I pictured us in a house on the shore, gleeped into existence, with every Lego set known to man and whenever we invited our friends over Evie would freeze time when someone went to the bathroom always resulting in a funny shared moment between us.
But in the end, she still came from a broken, multi-racial family and lacked the spunkiness I preferred in other leading ladies. Plus the show wasn’t that good.
That’s Evie. #5.
A word of warning: If you decide to do further independent research on Maureen Flannigan, know that she apparently did a movie with Scott Wolf in the 90’s where she appeared topless. Those seem to be the more popular results in a Google photo search.
* Oddly, the opposite is true for Blossom, who followed the reverse hotness path that Punky did. But she’s from the 90’s anyhow. Also, I don’t think I have “integrity.”