I can’t make pretend that there’s any suspense left here. It’s not like we’re discussing the best Steven Segal movies of all time or which Fanta girl is the coolest. At this stage in the game, I wouldn’t even call this my opinion anymore. I think it’s borderline fact. We’re talking about pantheon hot teenage actresses from the 80’s (and I can’t believe any of you are still reading), and the two girls left on my list are undeniably the number 1 and 2 girls.
Ask any guy in his mid-20’s who his favorite teenage sitcom actress was in the 80’s and I guarantee you 90% of the time these two names will be mentioned. I know that some people were pulling for Tiffany Brissette from “Small Wonder.” And I looked her way, I really did. But when starting this thing, I set two major guidelines for myself:
1. The girl must play the role of someone’s flesh and blood daughter on a show. This is why Tracy Pollan wasn’t included. This is also why Mike’s girlfriend from Growing Pains wasn’t mentioned. And this is precisely why Tiffany Bissette wasn’t included. It’s weird enough that I’ve been writing for four days straight about hot teenage girls, I don’t need to start writing about hot teenage robot girls.
2. The girl’s parents must love her. This is why I didn’t include anyone from “The Facts of Life.” There was some dispute as to whether they were orphans or simply girls at a boarding school, but even if they were just girls at a boarding school they are disqualified under this rule.
So really, I had no choice in the matter. My #2 pick is the inimitable, always scantily clad Alyssa Milano from “Who’s The Boss?”
I really can’t say it any better than Ronny did on the message boards over at www.alyssa.com:
“Shes soooooooooooooooooo cute girlie omg!!! Shes soooooo sweet, wonderful.. Shes a sun shines in the morning!”
I mean, the girl owns ALYSSA.COM. Do you have any idea how many girls from Long Island want the domain name alyssa.com? THAT’S how awesome Alyssa Milano is. (There’s even a blog on her site, but apparently she only writes about natural disasters?*) And out of all of my picks, she is undoubtedly the most famous in the present day.
My only reservation with having her ranked as high as number two on my list is that there were some brutally hard times for Samantha Micelli, including several bad hair periods:
plus an inexplicable Asian period:
At the inception of “Who’s The Boss?” I even remember thinking to myself, “Well, I guess Angela’s kind of attractive . . .”
But the fact of the matter is, once Samantha hit her stride the highs far outweighed the lows. It’s like the now deceased oldies radio station WCBS-FM:
I feel like I don’t even need to say anything more about it. Unlike Mallory, who had the benefit of being on one of the best sitcoms of all time, Alyssa was on a show that derived 80% of it’s comedy from Tony Danza screaming family members’ names in a thick Brooklyn accent: “Mooona!” “Aaaangela!” Samandha!”
I’m not saying it was a bad show, because it definitely wasn’t. But if you put it up against “Family Ties” or “Diff’rent Strokes” or even “Perfect Strangers,” it just wasn’t as good. And yet Alyssa Milano shone through, made a name for herself and eventually became the butt of every joke made about Maxim magazine.
You really can’t ask for anything more. I can pay her no higher compliment than this: Back when I was still using dial-up internet, hers were the nude pictures for which I searched. She is, indeed, a sun shines in the morning.
That’s Samantha, my #2 pick.
Warning: Alyssa Milano is hot. Looking at pictures of her in your office will only make your co-workers thing bad things about you, like my boss who came by and said, “Oh, she’s good looking who’s that?” I can’t tell you what my response was because I immediately died.
* Apparently Alyssa Milano is also becoming a world-famous philanthropist. To quote her website: “Alyssa launched UNICEF’s pivotal “Trick or Treat” campaign in the fall of 2004 as an official spokesperson.” The program, run by overprotective mothers, checks all the food that is donated to poor African countries for poisonous needles and other harmful substances.