It’s the moment you’ve all been waiting for, either in anticipation of finding out the identity of my number one pick or in anticipation of me finally being done with a theme closely resembling child endangerment. Whatever your motivation, today’s the day.
Before I finish up though, I just want to say how fun this has been. Not just looking at pictures of young hot girls for five days straight, but the memories it all brought back. I’ll be the first to admit that I have an awful memory. I remember the date of approximately two of my friends’ birthdays, despite the fact I’ve known them for over six years now; there is an annual debate as to the correct date of The Girlfriend’s and my anniversary; and I am the King of “(waving pointer fingers in small circles) you know, the movie, the who’s-a-whatsy one, with the thing. You know.” But for some reason I have vivid memories relating to TV shows of my youth. Sure, it would be nice to have vivid memories of my mother reading me a book. But she was busy, I understand that.*
My number one pick wasn’t so much of a childhood crush as she was a scary adolescent obsession. It’s not just that she was hot, but she was the epitome of what, at the time, every boy my age thought you should want out of life. Blond, popular, and just dumb enough to believe that you are smart.
To be honest, I hardly even remember the show she was on. I don’t recall any one poignant episode in particular unlike I do with “Diff’rent Strokes” (cartoon porn), “Punky Brewster” (kidnapping), “Family Ties” (that whore Ellen breaking Alex’s heart) or “The Smurfs” (time freezing episode, which I am convinced will haunt me to my dying day). Yet I remember her more than any of the other actress’ in those shows, with the exception of Smurfette – but try as I might I just couldn’t find her attractive in a human light.
So here she is, my #1 80’s Sitcom Daughter Crush: Nicole Eggert from “Who Gives A Shit What Show She Was On?” (aka “Charles in Charge”).
Immediately I know what is going through your mind: “Yes, 9-1-1 operator? I’d like to report a potential sex offender.” Or, “Dan, the only reason you like her is because she got breast implants and then went running around the beach on ‘Baywatch.’ “ That is 100% untrue. I mean I will reject that statement with the ferocity of the “Trading Spouses” God Warrior.
Look at the facts.
Fact: Nicole Eggert has been hot in every single situation she has ever been in.
Hot with crimped hair.
Hot with big hair.
Hot while dressy.
Hot with glasses.
Hot while dainty.
Hot while athletic.
Almost too hot when in pajamas.
Hot while TV paused making stupid face.
Hot when standing with someone who is unattractive.
Hot when you can’t see her face.
Hot when waving angrily waving spatula.
That’s the only fact I need. And if there’s any dissention concerning whether Alyssa Milano is hotter than Nicole Eggert, I present this:
Nicole Eggert guest starred in several episodes of “Who’s The Boss?” appearing as Samantha’s friend Marci. Not only was Marci cooler than Samantha, but Nicole Eggert won a Young Artist Award for Exceptional Performance by a Young Actress, Guest Starring in a Television, Comedy or Drama Series, beating out such favorites as Leslie Bega of "Head of the Class” (who turned out hot and did nude scenes) and Blanca De Garr from "Rags to Riches” (who went approximately nowhere). She THEN goes on to win a Young Artist Award the following year for her work on “Charles in Charge.” Granted I’ve never head of the Young Artist Award, and the winner last year for Best Actress in a TV Show was Masiela Lusha from “The George Lopez Show” over Raven Symone from "That’s So Raven” (bogus), but the message is clear – Nicole Eggert is a force to be reckoned with.
(Editor’s Note: In the Awards & Nominations section on Nicole Eggert’s imdb page, she is falsely credited with only having been nominated for the Young Artist Award for guest starring on “Who’s The Boss?” when she actually won the award. If I were Nicole’s agent, I would be on the phone with someone from imdb.com ASAP. Nicole, if you are reading this, know that if I were your agent I WOULD FIGHT FOR YOU! To the death even. Also, I hope you find this whole thing flattering instead of terrifying.)
But more than anything else, Nicole Eggert knew the one look that could make any man melt. To this day, women practice this look with each other in the bathroom at restaurants, trying desperately to perfect the powerful gaze. Nicole commanding it at such an early age is comparable only to a 12-year old Mozart composing blockbuster symphonies.
Nicole Eggert was the master at being intense and looking up:
And that’s that. Definitive #1 if there ever was one. And just in case you wanted one more feather in her cap, she grew up to be painfully hot. Like so hot if you licked your finger and then touched her arm it would sizzle. You could cook an egg on her in the midday sun. I’m buying a poster of her off eBay as we speak.
That’s Nicole, my #1 pick.
Encouragement: If you haven’t seen Nicole Eggert naked, go out and see Nicole Eggert naked. I suggest Blown Away to start. Not the one with Tommy Lee Jones and Jeff Bridges, though that is a good movie as well with Mr. Jones sporting a classic Irish accent. But the one with Corey Haim is the one where she appears nude. So clearly that one wins.
* Meanest joke I’ve ever written, easily.