The Daily Dump

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Thursday, December 29

2005 Year In Review
Best Television Character

Something you might not know about me: I love television.

I couldn’t make a year end review without at least one category dedicated to TV. But there’s no contest on the best new show on TV (unfortunately for the millions without Showtime, it’s “Weeds”). Likewise there’s no contest on the best old show on television (you may have seen it, it’s called “Lost?”) So instead I decided to do this category.

Then I realized that limiting it to one character was impossible. It’s like picking your favorite family member. (It’s you, Catherine, don’t tell Mom.) So I expanded it to a top five.

5. Emmanuelle Chiriqui, Sloan on “Entourage”

Because look at her.







4. Justin Kirk, Andy Botwin on “Weeds”

"When my ferret killed itself I went on Celexa. I gained forty pounds. I couldn't ejaculate. Is this the kind of future you want for your child?"

His delivery of that line was so perfect that I have actually remembered it to this day. I can’t remember my own blog’s website address, but I remember this. It’s a really great show.


3. Terry O'Quinn, John Locke on “Lost”

This is an entire character based on the ideology of a 17th century philosopher (appropriately named John Locke). A quick synopsis of his philosophy from the Stanford website:

“He defines reason as "the discovery of the certainty or probability of such propositions or truths, which the mind arrives at by deduction made from such ideas, as it has got by the use of its natural faculties; viz, by the use of sensation or reflection." Faith, on the other hand, is assent to any proposition ". . . upon the credit of the proposer, as coming from God, in some extraordinary way of communication." That is, we have faith in what is disclosed by revelation and which cannot be discovered by reason.”

Makes his character all the more compelling when you watch him thinking about that . . . if you can understand it.

2. Will Arnett, Gob Bluth on “Arrested Development”

I think this says it all:

(Flashback)

Narrator: In an effort to "hip" up his act, Gob had briefly introduced a puppet.
[Gob is acting as a black puppet named Franklin in front of the family]
Gob: [as Franklin] Can I tell you something, my man?
Gob: [as himself] Sure, Franklin.
Gob: [as Franklin] You are one cool (BLEEP)
Gob: [as Franklin] Speaking of mothers, let me give that oatmeal some brown sugar.
[the puppet kisses Lucille]
George Sr.: Get off my wife, you bastard!
[strangles Franklin]
Gob: [as Franklin] What's the matter with you?

(In the present)

Gob: Franklin said some things Whitey wasn't ready to hear.
Michael: Gob, weren't you also mercilessly beaten outside of a club in Torrance for that act?
Gob: He also said some things that African-American-y wasn't ready to hear either.

1. Chris Shelton a.k.a. Screamy McYeller on “The Apprentice: Season 3”

But when all is said and done, no TV character made more “must see TV” moments than Screamy McYeller, the unbelievably enraged real estate manager from Utah who inexplicably made it to Week 12 of “The Apprentice 3.” I mean, every time this guy opened his mouth, no matter what he was saying, he would scream it, hence the nickname “Screamy McYeller.”

Three priceless moments shared with my friends via email:

1. Was anyone else completely overcome with laughter last night when Donald asked Screamy McYeller if he was a homosexual and Screamy SHOUTED back (with CONVICTION!) "I am not a homosexual!" it was so far up the impromptu hilarity scale, that I found myself consciously thinking, "I really wish someone was here with me." Just a priceless piece of television. Does this guy shoot steroids right before the board room? Without even being provoked he just screams every time he opens his mouth! If there was ever going to be a physical altercation on "The Apprentice" this is the guy who will cause it.*

2. The conviction with which Screamy McYeller affirmed that "Yes, I dip and yes, I am addicted!" is plain old hilarious - as though as long as you say it in a dignified and staunch tone, it makes everything you say OK. "Yes, I touched the boy inappropriately and yes, it did feel like a soft cloud of flesh against my warm face!"

3. (The episode where he is fired)

It brings to mind the closing of one of my favorite poems by T.S. Elliot:

"This is the way the world ends,

Not with a bang but a whimper."

And boy did he whimper. That quivery-chinned "I promise" at the end was hilariously touching. I was hoping for some fisticuffs - I really thought this would be the year that that line would be crossed. No such luck.

________________________________
* I shouldn’t include this, but I laughed when I reread it. So here’s the remainder of that email:

Priceless moment number two – Caroline's DISGUSTED face when watching team Magna's commercial. I mean, that was an "I might vomit" face. Just perfect editing on the show's part.

Priceless moment number three – in Magna's commercial . . . THE TEABAG!?!?! Random, pointless, having NO place whatsoever in the context of the commercial other than to suggest dipping one's balls in another person's mouth, it's just THERE. A teabag being gentle dipped into a cup of tea. I have to stop thinking about this. I'm getting all worked up. I can't wait to watch it again tonight on Tivo.

Oh, and a good commercial would have been showing, at the bottom of the TV screen, the top of a girl's head moving up and down for about 15 seconds, then showing their her face getting squirted with Dove New Cool Moisture and her loving every minute of it. Then she could wipe it off with the back of her hand and say, "Now THAT'S refreshing."

17 Comments:

I was totally with you all the way up to numero uno...a real-life contestant from The Apprentice? Allright, it's your list, you drive.

I'd also put George Michael on the list -- that kid delivers every line perfectly, almost to the point when you think this HAS to be what he's like in real life. His facial reactions to all things Maeby and hisreactions to all the Anne/Egg/Yam/Annehog names are priceless. I'm campaigning for a Best Supporting Oscar for him. Then I'm enrolling in NAMBLA.

And as much as I enjoy Andy Botwin (and, surprisingly, Kevin Nealon's too), nobody beats MLP. Nobody. A dealing suburban goddess that once looked like this in Esquire? Yowza. She wins. Welcome back to TV, Ms. Parker.

Otherwise, good list. Keep 'em comin.

By Blogger Ace Cowboy, at 6:37 PM  

I actually had George Michael on my list to start - then I remembered the "I [bleeped] Kitty" scene and Gob won.

Yelly McScreamsalot was a personal enjoyment. I'm telling you, edit a series of his "best of" moments, and that's good television.

By Blogger the belligerent intellectual, at 6:49 PM  

Love that Terry O'Quinn and the character he portrays. I am also partial to "Shaft" (ha!). This is the only TV show I've watched this year and only did so at a friends constant nagging. Even then, I downloaded it and watched in on my computer. Great show though!
Peace..............

By Blogger Helen, at 7:11 PM  

Let me just say...I definitely dig the dump.

By Blogger Vesper, at 10:29 PM  

Great choices, although I think Gob actually says "African America" as if it's a country.

By Blogger TheTownTattler, at 10:54 PM  

You gotta love a post that uses the word fisticuffs.

Unfortunately, I'm one of those without Showtime or HBO, but I'm with you on the others. Although, I'm sad not to see any characters from The Office.

By Blogger Carolyn, at 11:06 PM  

Screamy McYeller was the best. I loved how his face contorted and pained. Poor Screamy looked constipated for most of his 15 minutes of fame.

By Blogger green_canary, at 10:17 AM  

Is it really spelled "Gob?" I assumed it was "Job." Anyway... I personally love Lloyd from Entourage, Ari's assistant.

By Blogger Hope, at 11:07 AM  

I don't know who any of those people are, but I'm kind of a T.V. novice.

By Blogger Dirk the Feeble, at 11:36 AM  

I think it was actually more of a "I think I just vomited a little in my mouth" look.

By Blogger Trix, at 11:54 AM  

I think this chick needs to make your list too...

By Blogger DC Cookie, at 12:00 PM  

I agree with dc cookie. Dr. Bailey on Grey's Anatomy takes no crap yet has a heart. Good choice.

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 4:40 PM  

I just wanted to say that I was watching my Arrested Development DVD's today and that exact scene came on with Gob and Franklin. I had to run over here and see if you got it right...you did...except the bleep is really long (more than just one word)

By Blogger rawbean, at 7:35 PM  

GOB stands for George Oscar Bluth. Is there anything that's not written with substantial genius on this show?

By Blogger Ace Cowboy, at 8:27 PM  

I want "Screamy McYeller" on a t-shirt. And pronto.

By Blogger Paul, at 10:45 PM  

It ain't easy being white,
It ain't easy being brown,
So much pressure to be bright,
I got kids all over town. . . .

Hey, where'd the guy go?

By Anonymous Matt, at 2:14 PM  

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By Anonymous Anonymous, at 7:23 AM  

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