It’s no secret that I have a longstanding tenuous relationship with Massachusetts. Up until my birthday trip to Cape Cod last month, the state had done nothing but bend me over and whisper in my ear, “You’re going to like this whether you like it or not.”
Then The Girlfriend and I went to Cape Hyannis where The Girlfriend left our car parked on main street with the passenger door wide open for over an hour while we walked around enjoying the sea breeze. Subsequently, I wrote that I admired the people of the town for not taking our iPods, cameras, books and clothing.
Word must have gotten out that I had something nice to say about Massachusetts. In what can only be described as the most creative Fuck You ever aimed in my direction, I present you with this news story:
An anonymous gift-giver left a $15,000 diamond engagement ring to the owner of an unlocked car in western Massachusetts with a typed note hinting at a broken heart.
"Merry Christmas. Thank you for leaving your car door unlocked. Instead of stealing your car I gave you a present. Hopefully this will land in the hands of someone you love, for my love is gone now. Merry Christmas to you," the note said.
WTF?! Not that I’m ungrateful that nothing was stolen from my car, but you can bet your ASS I’m ungrateful that no one left a $15,000 DIAMOND RING in my car!
Said the police lieutenant: “"This appears to be random. I think there was a search for a car that was unlocked."
In other words, had there been a car there with the door WIDE OPEN there is no doubt that the ring would have been left in that car. And subsequently NOT stolen by the kind people of Hyannis, making for the greatest American story since The Great Gatsby. Also making for a great “CSI” episode wherein I, playing myself, join the team in tracking down the scorned lover who left the ring in the car, finding him just as he’s about to jump from some prominent Massachusetts bridge, talking him down and ending the episode with Grissom saying, “It’s 215 feet down to that water. At this height he would have hit the surface at a terminal velocity of 10 meters per second squared. That would have been a broken heart even time couldn’t heal . . .”