I really don’t understand all the fanfare that snow gets. Think of any alien invasion movie you’ve ever seen and notice the similarities between how the newscasters treat the coming of extra terrestrials and the coming of a snow storm: It headlines the news the night before, it interrupts my favorite shows an hour before it hits to let me know “how things are progressing” and then, once it arrives, it’s ALL ANYONE CAN TALK ABOUT.
Just once I’d like to have this conversation with someone in the elevator:
Overly Friendly Person: “Man did you see it out there? It’s really coming down.”
Me: “MY GOD WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE!”
Because really, what is there to be so worked up about? It’s WATER! And it’s not water that rains down at a furious pace and soaks you, and it’s not water that is frozen, peanut M&M sized chunks that will bore a hole into your skull – it’s water that is fluffed up into a delicate flake, as though a piece of cloud were gently landing on your nose. COME ON PEOPLE! GET A HOLD OF YOURSELVES!
In my estimation, there are only a handful of times when you can actually get worried about snow:
1. You are trapped under a gigantic snowball.
Don’t think it can’t happen. My parents house is built on a piece of property with a substantial hill in he front yard. Growing up, every winter we would sled down the front lawn, building ramps at the bottom that launched us into the mostly untravelled street. One day, my friend Chris decided that it would be rad (this is the 80’s) to make a huge snowball and then roll it down the hill and off the ramp.
We made a melon sized snowball and began rolling it across the lawn as though we were mowing the grass. Unfortunately, we started at the top of the yard and worked our way down, meaning that once the snowball was about five feet tall we then had to roll it back up the lawn in order to launch it off the ramp at the bottom of the hill.
On the way up, though, my friend Chris slipped and the snowball rolled on top of him. More funny than dangerous (as he could still breath) he stayed pinned there for a while until we managed to free him. Not very scary, I admit, unless you consider the fact that if he had been making this snowball by himself, maybe while his parents were away like in Home Alone, he’d be dead now.
2. You live in Canada.
Seriously, they get feet of snow at a time. Like “I’d love to meet you for lunch, but I can’t get out my front door” snow.
3. You are a prostitute.
What do hookers do when it snows? Is it like in grade school when recess would be cancelled because of rain and everyone would sit in their classroom doing crafts instead? Does their pimp organize “Dinner and a Movie” and buy Chinese food for everyone? This is the kind of stuff Nightline should do stories on. “Snow Blowers: What Hookers Do In A Deep Freeze.”
4. You are a very small dog.
Imagine all you want to do is pee but your choices are: a) pee in the warmth of the living room carpet and get beaten, or b) go submerge your entire genital area into crushed ice. Sad dilemma.
5. You have a piece of shrapnel in your knee from WW2 and every time it snows your leg hurts so bad you can hardly walk. Because there’s really nothing you can do about that.
And that’s it. Otherwise we really have no reason to complain. Especially not any of you that defended this awful season when I railed against it back in October. That’s right ESPECIALLY NOT YOU!