The Daily Dump

A place where everyone (me) is welcomed to express their opinions openly and honestly. I encourage free thinking, free wheeling, off-the-cuff banter and monetary donations.

Friday, December 9

White Nuclear Material Falls From Sky, City Thrown Into Panic


I really don’t understand all the fanfare that snow gets. Think of any alien invasion movie you’ve ever seen and notice the similarities between how the newscasters treat the coming of extra terrestrials and the coming of a snow storm: It headlines the news the night before, it interrupts my favorite shows an hour before it hits to let me know “how things are progressing” and then, once it arrives, it’s ALL ANYONE CAN TALK ABOUT.

Just once I’d like to have this conversation with someone in the elevator:

Overly Friendly Person: “Man did you see it out there? It’s really coming down.”

Me: “MY GOD WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE!”

Because really, what is there to be so worked up about? It’s WATER! And it’s not water that rains down at a furious pace and soaks you, and it’s not water that is frozen, peanut M&M sized chunks that will bore a hole into your skull – it’s water that is fluffed up into a delicate flake, as though a piece of cloud were gently landing on your nose. COME ON PEOPLE! GET A HOLD OF YOURSELVES!

In my estimation, there are only a handful of times when you can actually get worried about snow:

1. You are trapped under a gigantic snowball.

Don’t think it can’t happen. My parents house is built on a piece of property with a substantial hill in he front yard. Growing up, every winter we would sled down the front lawn, building ramps at the bottom that launched us into the mostly untravelled street. One day, my friend Chris decided that it would be rad (this is the 80’s) to make a huge snowball and then roll it down the hill and off the ramp.

We made a melon sized snowball and began rolling it across the lawn as though we were mowing the grass. Unfortunately, we started at the top of the yard and worked our way down, meaning that once the snowball was about five feet tall we then had to roll it back up the lawn in order to launch it off the ramp at the bottom of the hill.

On the way up, though, my friend Chris slipped and the snowball rolled on top of him. More funny than dangerous (as he could still breath) he stayed pinned there for a while until we managed to free him. Not very scary, I admit, unless you consider the fact that if he had been making this snowball by himself, maybe while his parents were away like in Home Alone, he’d be dead now.

2. You live in Canada.

Seriously, they get feet of snow at a time. Like “I’d love to meet you for lunch, but I can’t get out my front door” snow.

3. You are a prostitute.

What do hookers do when it snows? Is it like in grade school when recess would be cancelled because of rain and everyone would sit in their classroom doing crafts instead? Does their pimp organize “Dinner and a Movie” and buy Chinese food for everyone? This is the kind of stuff Nightline should do stories on. “Snow Blowers: What Hookers Do In A Deep Freeze.”

4. You are a very small dog.

Imagine all you want to do is pee but your choices are: a) pee in the warmth of the living room carpet and get beaten, or b) go submerge your entire genital area into crushed ice. Sad dilemma.

5. You have a piece of shrapnel in your knee from WW2 and every time it snows your leg hurts so bad you can hardly walk. Because there’s really nothing you can do about that.

And that’s it. Otherwise we really have no reason to complain. Especially not any of you that defended this awful season when I railed against it back in October. That’s right ESPECIALLY NOT YOU!

26 Comments:

Its scary how right you are ...

By Blogger Silent All These Years, at 1:31 PM  

You were talking about fall not the misery that is winter and although technically it isn’t “winter” until Dec 22 well I don’t care. Snow still sucks especially when other idiots are driving in it causing me to go into ditches.

By Blogger Julie_Gong, at 1:42 PM  

I agree.

It's totally not Fall right now.

It's straight up Winter.

Ya dope.

By Blogger tall 1, at 2:06 PM  

Yeah, I'm sure all the astronomers who DIED in the furtherance of the belief that the Earth rotates around the Sun, thus creating the four distinctly defined seasons, would agree that it's not important to be technical about these things.

DON'T DISGRACE THEIR MEMORIES!

By Blogger the belligerent intellectual, at 2:12 PM  

Thank you for making an otherwise horrible day seem brighter! #4 cracked me up!

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 2:27 PM  

winter is why i live in san diego

By Anonymous Shawna, at 2:39 PM  

Thank you, Dan, for truly understanding my dilema in the snowy weather. You'll get some extra licks tonight when you get here. Madison

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 2:46 PM  

From an experienced Canadian: living in Toronto and getting snow is like living in New York and getting snow. Torontonians think it's the end of the world to get 2.5 cm [that's centimeters] of snow whereas in the town I grew up in it's a shrug of the shoulders to get 2.5 feet of snow.

True with the global warming and climate changes we aren't getting the two and a half feet at a time anymore, but the Newfies sure take it on the chin for us. [As we get tired of cleaning our winshields they shovel out from their roofs. ] They literally get snow up to their tooftops. Now that's some serious crisis. Not half an inch.

By Blogger Kelly, at 3:36 PM  

I love snow since I can go out skiing again. I dunno I hate the heat in the Philippines so I moved here in Norway

By Blogger Chas Ravndal, at 3:39 PM  

It's funny because up here (in Rochester) we still get all the newscasts about "Oh My God It's 20 Degrees in Dallas!" and "Holy Shit North Carolina Just Got 3 Inches Of Snow Causing People To Be Stranded In Their Places Of Work!" but when we get dumped up it's just, "Oh well, Buffalo got 6 feet of snow yesterday, just count on it being the same tomorrow... and the day after that." It's fascinating how worked up we get about OTHER areas getting snow, but when it comes to us it's the same old thing.

I keep reading people's blogs about how they are having "snow days" today. Adults get snow days? I haven't gotten a snow day since high school. I'm feeling jipped. Maybe us upstate New Yorkers should start complaining about the snow more in order to get our snow days.

By Blogger Hope, at 4:19 PM  

Hookers should get more business when it snows. If they don't, they damn well should.

By Blogger justin, at 5:39 PM  

Now I feel guilty for gloating about my "sleet" day-- see, the weatherdemons talk about north carolina and dallas and such because it's PURE MAYHEM when it drops below 30 degrees. The cities don't expect ice/snow/sleet so everyone plays icecapades on the highways. fun times.

and hookers TOTALLY make more $$$ in the winter -- it's because there's less light + less seratonin floating in brains + complete and abject boredom. oh, and it's f'ing cold. this is why condom sales GO UP in the winter. those hookers are raking in the dough, man.

By Blogger birdie, at 6:14 PM  

Hookers pay for condoms? I thought they had endorsement deals with certain brands - like basketball players and sneakers.

By Blogger the belligerent intellectual, at 7:00 PM  

they pay for them and then write them off as a business expense - dur.

By Blogger birdie, at 7:38 PM  

owwee, I think I just pulled something. Seriously, one of my ribs hurts from laughing so hard. it was the "dinner and a movie" night that actually made me hear something snap.

By Blogger Lizzie, at 7:57 PM  

I just came back from a drive up Hollywood Boulevard where I stopped in front of some hookers, rolled down my window, and said, "Do you know how lucky you are to be prostitutes in LA?"

By Blogger Neil, at 9:11 PM  

we don't get snow down here. The number one comment that shits me to tears is "How hot is it today!!". Guranteed someone will say it to me at least twice a day in summer.

Yes it's friggin hot.Get over it!

By Blogger Steph, at 11:58 PM  

Even more annoying: moving from the midwest, where you are used to driving on black ice and know how to counter steer and use or not use brakes, to San Diego where people FREAK OUT if it rains. Rains. Holy Hell I want to scream about what a freakin' bunch of delicate little desert flowers these people are!

By Blogger x, at 2:08 AM  

I am embarassed to say that out here in California, we have "storm watch" when it rains. EVERY news station reports that "its raining" and that they are on "storm watch" just in case, it . . . rains some more.

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 2:54 PM  

In London, you get spitting rain and everything stops working. That's why the trains are later. EVERYDAY.

By Blogger missy, at 4:35 PM  

You east coasters deserve it. Out here in the desert of SoCal, we have to endure really old men getting nearly naked and walking around in g-strings.

Then again, at least our hookers are warm.

By Blogger Megan, at 8:30 PM  

i am guilty of constant snow chatter....but that is because i'm usually telling people about how i did my snow dance all night in hopes of getting a day off work and/or school...

By Blogger the musician's girlfriend, at 8:54 AM  

I agree with Kelly - there are some Canadians that whine at a smidge of snow - like in Vancouver they go into full panic mode when there is a slightest "dusting".

Where I live we get the 'feet of snow' you speak of and somehow we still manage to make it into work...we are hardcore.

By Blogger rawbean, at 12:53 PM  

OMG! Damn you sure make me laugh...
"Snow Blowers: What Hookers Do In A Deep Freeze."

I almost spat out my coffee, where does this funny ha ha genius come from... I bet your parents are a riot!

Living in Canada is fine in the winter I rarely get snowed in, as in never, although I do have a very funny fond memory of trying to make it home one Christmas Eve in a snowstorm when I was about 8...

If you live on the coast of B.C., which I used to, thats when winter sucks in Canada... screw the snow.. the sun hides on you for about 3 months and it NEVER stops raining in the winter.

By Blogger clothosfate, at 2:23 PM  

Love the snow blower comment.

Last time we stayed in Canada during the winter we were house sitting a cat. My mother couldn't understand why this big tom would go and sit outside in the snow and freeze its balls. She still talks about this cats balls [shudder]. There are some things your mother just shouldn't mention.

By Blogger Kate, at 3:19 PM  

I also hate the cold and snow and all the people who complained about how hot it was in the summer complaining about how cold it is now. In fact, I wrote a similar post about the same subject of fall and winter, but obviously from a girl's perspective.

By Blogger Bev, at 5:38 PM  

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