It was a long, drunk weekend - so long in fact that I stretched it into Monday just to give myself an extra day of relaxation. Not that I stayed home and relaxed yesterday, I just came to work and relaxed. Kind of like what I do every other day at work, but with more emails to people I like and less to people to whom I write things like, "Please advise the status of the contract, you douchbag." Although in a spurt of productivity on Sunday, I went out and bought an ironing board, only to bring it home, iron a shirt and find out that although I now have an ironing board ironing still blows.
Once again though the world has gone on without me and I need to catch up. I'll break it up into four sections, not to make it easier for you but because I am easily overwhelmed.
This one comes courtesy of The Girlfriend, who has finally accepted that it is my destiny to be a blogger (although she still can't accept me bawling like a baby at Extreme Makeover Home Edition, often times breaking down and shouting things like, "Jesus Christ, I'm dating a woman.")
A team of police officers raided a home on Long Island over the weekend and recovered a stash of drugs and weapons held by the notorious Bloods gang. Among the findings was the official Code of Conduct for the Bloods, pictured below.
Chilling, isn't it? But it gets better - I got my hands on an addendum to the Code that was previously unreleased to the public. It appeared to be written on a couple of post-it notes and attached after the initial drafting of the Master Code. Here it is:
(Sidenote: When I was 8 or 9 years old, my friends and I formed a secret club that only had four members. There was an elaborate secret handshake and we even had meetings where we would discuss if we wanted to ride our bikes or play football that day. We also had a Code of Conduct and we typed it out on the computer!)
Tanzania has been plagued by a bat-like spirit that has an overwhelming lust for humans - and is willing to take it when he wants it.
Popo Bawa has been swooping into people's homes and night and, indiscriminately, overpowering and raping men and women in their sleep. "We believe reading the Koran is our only defense, nothing else," says a 41-year-old driver and father of four. "But Popo Bawa is real, and well prepared." Well prepared indeed, often showing up with "oils, candles, toys and Moby cd's."
"Worst of all though," said one villager, "is he doesn't even take you to dinner first."
Only in Tanzania . . .
Hot Girl News
- Natalie Portman has shaved her head for her upcoming role in V For Vendetta. The way I see it, this is the best chance I will ever have of getting Natalie Portman to date me.
- In a similar story of a girl wasting her hotness, Lindsey Lohan is officially ugly. I was trying to ignore the rumors of anorexia and drug use. But irrespective of all that, the truth of the matter is that now she's just ugly.
Not to let the rumor mill turn on without me, here's what I think happened:
She was chubby because she was 16 and her father was white trash masquerading as a normal person on Long Island. All he ever fed her was macaroni and cheese and ho-ho's. Her PR people said, "Well, if you're going to be a porker, you may as well be a porker with big boobs," so she got her implants. Flash forward a year or so and suddenly she's rich and 18 so she can legally use drugs. Downward spiral, blah, blah, blah; tired of being described as "curvy,"she goes on a coke bender, ends up in a hospital in Middle America where she has her implants removed to fit her new heroin chic look, and now she'll be caught making out with girls and, eventually, marrying Kevin Federline. I also put 3 to 1 odds on finding her implants on Ebay.
- In some GOOD hot girl news, Playboy has reportedly offered Jessica Simpson $10 million to appear in a special Christmas spread in the magazine. ($10 million . . . that's TWO islands in Dubai. You could build a little bridge between them and jump off it into the water in the summer time . . . God, I'm making myself sick over here.)
Also, Nick Lachey has offered to dress up as Jessica Simpson and pose naked for $2 million.
- Joey and Alex kissed on the season finale of Joey! I don't even think the producers of the show cared.
- NBC has announced they have six new shows to release in the fall to help their dismal ratings as of late. NBC has decided to go with popular topics such as homeland security, in a drama called The E-Ring (which sounds more like a sex toy), and "idiots in competition" in a spinoff of Donald Trump's The Apprentice, where contestants will vie to be Martha Stewart's apprentice (Episode 4: "Roasting with a Shiv.")
This is the best one though: "Inconceivable," a serialized ensemble drama set inside a fertility clinic. I mean, it has to be good, the title is a great pun.
The Girlfriend says that if people wanted sports news they would read espn.com.