The Daily Dump

A place where everyone (me) is welcomed to express their opinions openly and honestly. I encourage free thinking, free wheeling, off-the-cuff banter and monetary donations.

Thursday, January 5

2006 Is A Disappointment

I’m not one of those people who expects things to be different just because the year ends in a 6 instead of a 5 now. But when it gets to the point that I can say, “I’ve been sick since 2005,” I mean come on. Enough is enough. It been TWO YEARS! And just when I think I’m getting better, I run a random fever and my shit is so hard I could roll it down the hallway.

Part of me is convinced this is just an adverse reaction to the fact that it’s back to working five days a week now with no break in sight till President’s Day. The other part of me is convinced I have Bird Flu. (Are we still using that joke?)

In any event, the hilarious tales of me plodding my way through life will have to wait until I feel better. Also, I have done nothing in the past few days but sleep and watch “CSI.” Waaaay too much “CSI.” So I could probably write a post about determining TOD (time of death) using perimortum wounds, lividity and decomp, but that would require that I stop watching “CSI” for at least 15 minutes. And I can’t stop.

In the meantime, here’s a picture of Kevin Federline wearing the same shirt The Girlfriend bought my for Christmas. A word of advice to K-Fed: TRYING TO BE LIKE ME ISN’T GOING TO MAKE YOU COOL! IT’S NOT GONNA WORK!

Although I guess he wins, because his website has flash and mine doesn’t. Plus I can’t get that catchy song out of my head: “Keep messin’ wit my family and yo through . . .”


Thanks for sending us to Federline's page. Thanks alot.

Please, don't roll your poop down the hallway. Eat more bran and drink more water.

By Blogger Kelly, at 11:52 AM  

Stop eating things with white flour. More veggies, more fiber, less drinking, less stress. As TG says, Easy peasy.

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 12:19 PM  

Less drinking = Less Stress?

I don't get it.

By Blogger tall 1, at 1:38 PM  

time for a vacation! happy new year!

By Blogger KDunk, at 2:18 PM  

They don't give you the day off for Martin Luther King Day? That's a chilly move on your employer's part.

Tips for preventing that "rolling down the hallway" thing:
-eat a whole package of Bird's Eye peas, which is 3.5 servings and has about a thousand grams of fiber; if you smother it in lemon pepper seasoning the bowl goes down quick!
-drink twice as much water as you usually do
-sprinkle a couple of tablespoons of wheat germ into some cereal or whatever else; it fortunately has no taste
-eat sweet potatoes, which are both delicious and high in fiber
-never buy bread with fewer than 3 grams of fiber per slice

Combine these steps with some echinacea and one of those eerie green juices with the spirulina in it, and you'll be good as new.

By Blogger threetoedsloth, at 3:13 PM  

You might have the same shirt as Federjerk, but do you have the cornrows?

By Blogger Tuesday Girl, at 3:22 PM  

Perhaps you have ebola? I hear it's going around.

Is a joke from 1995 considered "vintage"?

By Blogger MonkeyPants, at 5:28 PM  

I hope you feel better soon. As a mom to two kids who've had the very same bird flu, let me just say that it does get better. The hacking cough may continue for a while though. I thought for a while that my kids were the Ricola Mystery Cougher. I just hope you don't get the dreaded sinus infection that I have. The pounding in your head makes you wish you were someone they were investigating on CSI.

By Blogger Carolyn, at 5:39 PM  

I voted for you on Best of Blogs...for most hilarious blog.


By Blogger Vesper, at 5:48 PM  

maybe try one of those wheat grass shots. it's supposed to clean out your system. you and the guys can try a different kind of shot for once!

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 6:41 PM  

is it me or does that guy get uglier every day? what WAS brittney thinking? how could she allow someone like him be the father of her child? feel better

By Blogger Silent All These Years, at 6:55 PM  

all the best

By Blogger Sleepless in Gelugoq, at 7:45 PM  

I'm really touched (and a little weirded out) by all the poop advice. I had no idea you guys cared so much about my regularity.

By Blogger the belligerent intellectual, at 9:14 PM  

Who is Kevin Federline?

By Blogger wunelle, at 12:00 PM  

I hope you don't look like a sorry sack of good for nothing shit in that shirt like K-Fed does. Or sporting a cocky smirk while you wear it.

By Blogger Bev, at 1:27 AM  

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