In response to comments from yesterday’s post:
As for the Bathroom attendant, there’s not much you can do. It’s awkward for so many reasons, the foremost being that it is this man’s JOB to sit in a bathroom and cater to your needs and a paying, urinating customer. I can’t think of a more demeaning job than squirting soap in someone’s hand. I’d rather haul away someone’s garbage than squirt soap in their hand.
Think about this – a bathroom attendant actually needs to anticipate when a person will be done peeing, when they will need soap and when they will need a towel, making one of the easiest processes known to man (washing your hands) just that much easier. It’s no different than hiring someone to pick up the phone and hold it to your ear or open up the refrigerator and move stuff around so you can see what’s in the back. This guy is, in every sense of the word, completely useless.
But if I were rich, I would tip the bathroom attendant $100 every time I went in there. Because let’s face it: as a bathroom attendant you’re one step away from being homeless, but instead of welfare you chose to do this for a salary. And that’s respectable.
As for the Guy who rips one while at a urinal, I love this guy. Love him, love him, love him. There are few things more surprisingly entertaining than this happening. I mean, I could be at the funeral for my entire family who died of a freak case of Ebola, and if I ran into this guy in the bathroom I would laugh. I could be in general population at Rikers and despite the fact it would get me stabbed, I would laugh at this guy.
In fact, the one time I tried NOT to laugh at this guy, the pent up laughter only made me fart, as though we were beasts in the wild communicating with one another. Never again.
As for conversing with the person in the next stall, I don’t know why you would do it, unless the conversation was something like:
Person 1: “CHRIST, I THINK I’M HAVING A HEART ATTACK.”
Person 2: “I’ll go get help.”
But if you are, and in the middle of that conversation someone starts making grunting noises indicating a struggle, I would hope that you would go right on talking as though you heard nothing. All the better if it leads to this situation:
Person 1: “So I don’t know what to do; my mom’s coming, his mom’s coming and I know they just –“
Person 2: “Grrr, hmmm”
Person 1: “– don’t get along. But I think they’ll realize that it’s important to us so hopefully they’ll put their differences a–“
Person 2: (plop)
Person 1: “side.”
And just as a SIDE NOTE, the best bathroom guy I ever ran into was a jazz trumpet player, who in my memory looks exactly like Ray Charles, here in New York.
My friends and I went to a show down in the village and when the band took a break my buddy Matt and I went to use the bathroom.
We walk in and standing there at the urinal is the trumpet player with his pants around his ankles and his trumpet tucked under his arm. Just an unbelievable sight. Matt almost loses it, retreating to the stall to regain his composure. Left with no other options, I sidle up next to this man and go about my business, ignoring the fact that there is a half-naked trumpet player standing inches away from me.
I have often referred to this man as the toughest man I have ever met.