The Daily Dump

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Tuesday, January 24

Bathroom Guys Follow-Up

In response to comments from yesterday’s post:

As for the Bathroom attendant, there’s not much you can do. It’s awkward for so many reasons, the foremost being that it is this man’s JOB to sit in a bathroom and cater to your needs and a paying, urinating customer. I can’t think of a more demeaning job than squirting soap in someone’s hand. I’d rather haul away someone’s garbage than squirt soap in their hand.

Think about this – a bathroom attendant actually needs to anticipate when a person will be done peeing, when they will need soap and when they will need a towel, making one of the easiest processes known to man (washing your hands) just that much easier. It’s no different than hiring someone to pick up the phone and hold it to your ear or open up the refrigerator and move stuff around so you can see what’s in the back. This guy is, in every sense of the word, completely useless.

But if I were rich, I would tip the bathroom attendant $100 every time I went in there. Because let’s face it: as a bathroom attendant you’re one step away from being homeless, but instead of welfare you chose to do this for a salary. And that’s respectable.

As for the Guy who rips one while at a urinal, I love this guy. Love him, love him, love him. There are few things more surprisingly entertaining than this happening. I mean, I could be at the funeral for my entire family who died of a freak case of Ebola, and if I ran into this guy in the bathroom I would laugh. I could be in general population at Rikers and despite the fact it would get me stabbed, I would laugh at this guy.

In fact, the one time I tried NOT to laugh at this guy, the pent up laughter only made me fart, as though we were beasts in the wild communicating with one another. Never again.

As for conversing with the person in the next stall, I don’t know why you would do it, unless the conversation was something like:

Person 1: “CHRIST, I THINK I’M HAVING A HEART ATTACK.”

Person 2: “I’ll go get help.”

But if you are, and in the middle of that conversation someone starts making grunting noises indicating a struggle, I would hope that you would go right on talking as though you heard nothing. All the better if it leads to this situation:

Person 1: “So I don’t know what to do; my mom’s coming, his mom’s coming and I know they just –“

Person 2: “Grrr, hmmm”

Person 1: “– don’t get along. But I think they’ll realize that it’s important to us so hopefully they’ll put their differences a–“

Person 2: (plop)

Person 1: “side.”

And just as a SIDE NOTE, the best bathroom guy I ever ran into was a jazz trumpet player, who in my memory looks exactly like Ray Charles, here in New York.

My friends and I went to a show down in the village and when the band took a break my buddy Matt and I went to use the bathroom.

We walk in and standing there at the urinal is the trumpet player with his pants around his ankles and his trumpet tucked under his arm. Just an unbelievable sight. Matt almost loses it, retreating to the stall to regain his composure. Left with no other options, I sidle up next to this man and go about my business, ignoring the fact that there is a half-naked trumpet player standing inches away from me.

I have often referred to this man as the toughest man I have ever met.

413 Comments:

hahahahaahahahaa.... wtf? this was hilarious even if it was COMPLETLY a guy post, OMG are you a guy?

just kidding

Can't say I've ever had the experience of the bathroom attendant, do they even put them in women's washrooms... I don't think so and isn't that wierd... I mean why not... whats the statement here?

By Blogger clothosfate, at 2:03 PM  

Clothosfate, they do have bathroom attendants in ladies' rooms...I've seen plenty.

Anyway, Mr. B.I., I have to agree with you on the funniness of the farting while at a urinal. While I do not have a urinal in my home (thank goodness), every time the boyfriend farts while he's peeing, it makes me giggle. What makes me giggle even more is that he tends to close the door to the bathroom (he pee's with it open, usually)right after it's happened, as though that will change the fact that I just heard him farting while he pee'd. I never acknowledge it, because clearly he's uncomfy with it for some reason, but I should admit to him someday soon that it makes me laugh, and I actually find that endearing.

By Blogger Faith, at 2:06 PM  

That's friggin hilarious, like closing the door can turn back time. Not logical at all, but I would do the same exact thing.

By Blogger the belligerent intellectual, at 2:11 PM  

There are attendants in women's toilets. They often sit up on the counter, with their backpacks as resting posts.

Dan, that "exchange" between person one and person two was hilarious. Thank you for that. And your restraint at not laughing? Vunderbar!

The Daily Dump has not disappointed this week.

By Blogger Kelly, at 2:18 PM  

guys are always squirting stuff into my hands in bathrooms. is that what they're called? attendants? i never knew they were working. now i feel dirty.

By Blogger ducklet, at 4:02 PM  

On a totally unrelated topic - my apartment building:

8 weeks ago - Murder. Police stationed outside the building for a solid week, yellow crime scene tape, detectives at my door.

This week - Queer Eye for the Straight Guy is working their magic on the man in apartment 6F. Film crews, food service vans, fancy trailers parked outside the building.

Do you think this means the building is turning around? Also, what would the "hero apartment" be? There are signs posted all over the building that say "Studio Apartment: 6F. Hero Apartment: 1M" Do you think they're serving heros? Somehow working a super hero character into the show? Are there men dressed up like comic book characters? Does someone save the day? Any help you can give would be much appreciated.

By Blogger Libby Mae Brown, at 6:55 PM  

You've been on fire this week. I had to go back and catch up.

The bathroom attendant is totally different in ladies' rooms. She usually comes complete with a basket brimming with junk like ancient cans of Aqua Net and cheap deodorants, on the off chance that you will "need" some of her grooming supplies and give her a dollar.

Maybe I'm cheap (probably), but I hate when someone hands me a paper towel and I feel like I should be giving them a tip. Wha? I am perfectly capable of getting my own paper towels for free...

By Blogger mysterygirl!, at 10:00 PM  

dude, the farting thing works the same for girls. or at least me...farting is always funny, but most funny when it's a stranger in the bathroom.

By Blogger kristine, at 9:15 AM  

Guy farting in the urinal is right up there with "Holy shit I am going to crap my pants" guy. I have this one in my office who must eat pure chili peppers for breakfast because everytime he busts into the bathroom and runs straight in the stall, I swear shitting as his pants are still going down. Grunting, moaning and splushing all the way. Its hilarious and horrible all in all.

By Blogger de Kooning's Spleen, at 9:53 AM  

LOL Very funny blog. I enjoyed reading it.

By Blogger T., at 11:48 AM  

Did you see "Harold & Kumar Go To White Castle"? There's that scene where those two hot chicks decide to play "Battleshits," wherein they compete based upon the rude noises they can make in the dorm john. It's hilarious in its tastelessness!

And while I agree that bathroom attendant is quite likely the most useless job ever created on the planet, I still will refuse to tip them on general principle.

By Blogger Dennis!, at 12:52 PM  

I must say to The Artful Dodger that I very much like the word "splushing."

Around here I think the bathroom attendants ARE actually homeless people. They're mostly at bars and what are you more likely to do when you're drunk: Tip the lady handing you a paper towel or start ranting about how useless she is? How do they make any money?

By Blogger Hope, at 1:43 PM  

I never looked at it that way before: Bathroom attendants as those choosing to work rather than be a drain on society. I like it.

Although one might argue that the only difference between a homeless guy and a bathroom attendent is whether they badger you for money while you are still at the bar or wait until you are walking home.

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