The Daily Dump

A place where everyone (me) is welcomed to express their opinions openly and honestly. I encourage free thinking, free wheeling, off-the-cuff banter and monetary donations.

Monday, January 23

Bathroom Guys Ruin It For Me

MEMO TO THE three guys in the bathroom who make me want to hold it in forever

To the guy who leaves behind his reading material in the bathroom stall, I just don’t know what to say. Obviously you’ve got a big heart. I mean, you take a shit, you wipe, and the first thing you think is, “Hey, maybe the next person who comes in here to shit will want something to read.” So you fold the newspaper in half and you place it on the floor to the side of the stall.

I get it: you’re a nice guy. But come on, look at it from my point of view . . . first of all you were sitting on the toilet. You pulled your pants down, rested the newspaper against your bare legs and took a shit. I’m not trying to make you feel bad, but your bare genitals were inches away from that newspaper. I’m only stating the obvious.

Then you put the newspaper on the floor of the bathroom stall. I’d think twice of picking up a $100 off floor in a stall let alone a Daily News. And I have no way of knowing if you folded up the newspaper before or after you wiped, but in a situation like this I have to err on the side of caution. Bottom line – I’m just not touching that paper.

To be honest, this smacks of “giving for the sake of the giver.” You may come away feeling like a hero, but think about it: really, what am I getting out of this, other than the increased likelihood of contracting an STD?

To the guy who bursts into the bathroom like he’s hosting an improv show, I would shoot you in the chest if I carried a gun. There are four or five middle aged men either sitting on a bowl or standing at a urinal and you come flying in the bathroom like gangbusters all “What’s going on in here, boys?” What’s going on in here? It’s a bathroom! What do you think is going on in here?! Guys are doing everything possible to not acknowledge each other and you’re looking at people’s shoes under the stall saying, “Jeffrey, that you pooping in there? Give em hell slugger! Alright!”

My only question is, What the hell is going on in your head? What world do you live in where it’s OK to come bounding into the bathroom and turn it into a circus? In case you’re unsure of a few things, I’ll help you out: The guy in the urinal next to you doesn’t want to know that you dislocated your shoulder playing softball; offering to shake someone’s hand right as you leave the urinal isn’t funny, it’s dangerously unsanitary; thanking someone for “warming up” the toilet seat isn’t necessary; and, in general, the right place to ask a colleague how his son is doing in little league isn’t while standing next to him in a bathroom with your junk in your hands.

Finally, to the guy who brushes his teeth in the bathroom, you make me sick. Your zeal for personal hygiene has gotten so out of control that you put your toothbrush ON THE SINK and then you put it in your mouth. I wouldn’t put a toothbrush in my mouth if it even broke the plane of the doorway to the bathroom. Not even if you dipped it in that blue stuff the barber keeps his combs in. If you have a family, I regret their lives for them. I can only hope that you are a very cold, unemotional father who never even thinks about kissing his children before they go to bed.


That left me with a whole new perspective on the Mens Room. I'd say thank you, but I'm not sure I mean it.

By Blogger Silent All These Years, at 6:18 PM  

Boy, somebody is feeling a little anger and hostility today.

By Blogger belligerent mother, at 6:56 PM  

One guy who makes me hate bathrooms: The stupid attendant dude at some bars/clubs. WTF? Am I supposed to PAY you for handing me a frigging paper towel that I could have and would have grabbed myself? Seriously, I have, in fact, been known to hold it just because I need to avoid these guys.

By Blogger Dennis!, at 8:29 PM  

do you have guy #2's phone number, because he sounds like a hot one.

By Blogger ERL, at 8:54 PM  

I really don't understand this proclivity of staying in the bathroom long enough to need reading material. We ladies like to get in and out (at least in a public toilet). Once I heard the rustle of newspaper in the adjoining stall at work in the ladies room and relayed this baffling incident to my all-male coworkers. They looked at me as though I'd just reported that the world was in fact round.

By Blogger MonkeyPants, at 10:20 PM  

fantastic. my favorite is the guy who saddles up next to you at the urinal and lets one rip while peeing. a close second is the guy who doesn't flush the urinal, leaving a nice yellow surprise of urine-smelling happiness for the next unsuspecting peeer. is that how you spell that? oh well.

By Blogger Lozo, at 10:21 PM  

The guy brushing his teeth is probably my ex-boyfriend. And he is cold and un-emotional. No, wait, that's me.

By Blogger Bev, at 10:37 PM  

i thank god everytime someone leaves me a paper in the can you drop a deuce without reading materials?

By Blogger Benson, at 11:29 PM  

No talking in the dunny unless you are on equal footing, and never while splashing the boots or through a door...

...we don't go there in packs and it is not an area for a support group.

By Blogger Indiana, at 1:59 AM  

It's always a little awkward when you begin a conversation with someone, and then they go into a stall and start making effort-noises. ...Like, should you stop talking with them and let them concentrate?

If at all possible, in a work environment, it's ideal to use the solitary washroom so as to avoid any and all occurrences like these you have so eloquently written about.

By Blogger Kelly, at 8:52 AM  

I think that pretty much solves the bar dilema of whether or not I should use the Men's Room when the Women's Room line is too long. Thank heavens I'm a chick.

By Blogger GreenEggsSamDC, at 10:25 AM  

At least it's not as bad as a public ladies room. I dare you to check one out...Twenty bucks says there's not one toilet without pee all over the seat from "hoverers."

By Blogger Trix, at 10:46 AM  

I was a little surprised by your post. I thought men loved leftover reading material as if it was undiscovered treasure.

I mentioned this to my husband, who keeps a regular stash of reading material in the bathroom, and he also, was disgusted. I guess it's one thing to have your own stash and it's another to find the remains of someone else's.

(But when I mentioned this to my officemate, who is male, he just thought I was being a germophobe.)

By Blogger hanmee, at 12:04 PM  

I also thought it was normal for guys to read leftover reading material in the bathroom. One time my boyfriend was relating all these current events to me, and I asked him when he had time to read the paper, and he said people left it in the bathroom at work. I thought it was pretty gross too.

By Blogger Hope, at 12:54 PM  

Wow, such an insight into the male world! I confess, I read in the bathroom all the time (I think I got that from my dad), but I've never left reading material in a public bathroom for the next person. Although! I just remembered! I was at a really nice restaurant once, and there was a magazine rack inside each stall with several magazines. Which now that I think about it, maybe I shouldn't have touched.

By Blogger Anonymous Midwest Girl, at 1:06 PM  

I really don't think I could handle going to the bathroom while someone else was peeing right next to me; with no barrier or anything. The thought creeps me out. I really don't get how guys do it, but you've proved that it's not tha easy.

By Blogger Heather B., at 1:15 PM  

Wait, don't people know that the proper place to leave a newspaper is on top of the toilet paper dispenser? There's a reason why they make the dispensers that size, you know.

By Blogger spinachdip, at 3:25 PM  

I've always wondered if men talked to each other while at urinals, because they always do in the movies. Just seems weird.

But the other day in the train station bathroom, I heard a woman take a call - a business call - while in the stall next to me. She kept talking even though 20 toilets were flushing around her. That's just wrong.

By Anonymous jenny, at 10:44 PM  

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