MEMO TO THE three guys in the bathroom who make me want to hold it in forever
To the guy who leaves behind his reading material in the bathroom stall, I just don’t know what to say. Obviously you’ve got a big heart. I mean, you take a shit, you wipe, and the first thing you think is, “Hey, maybe the next person who comes in here to shit will want something to read.” So you fold the newspaper in half and you place it on the floor to the side of the stall.
I get it: you’re a nice guy. But come on, look at it from my point of view . . . first of all you were sitting on the toilet. You pulled your pants down, rested the newspaper against your bare legs and took a shit. I’m not trying to make you feel bad, but your bare genitals were inches away from that newspaper. I’m only stating the obvious.
Then you put the newspaper on the floor of the bathroom stall. I’d think twice of picking up a $100 off floor in a stall let alone a Daily News. And I have no way of knowing if you folded up the newspaper before or after you wiped, but in a situation like this I have to err on the side of caution. Bottom line – I’m just not touching that paper.
To be honest, this smacks of “giving for the sake of the giver.” You may come away feeling like a hero, but think about it: really, what am I getting out of this, other than the increased likelihood of contracting an STD?
To the guy who bursts into the bathroom like he’s hosting an improv show, I would shoot you in the chest if I carried a gun. There are four or five middle aged men either sitting on a bowl or standing at a urinal and you come flying in the bathroom like gangbusters all “What’s going on in here, boys?” What’s going on in here? It’s a bathroom! What do you think is going on in here?! Guys are doing everything possible to not acknowledge each other and you’re looking at people’s shoes under the stall saying, “Jeffrey, that you pooping in there? Give em hell slugger! Alright!”
My only question is, What the hell is going on in your head? What world do you live in where it’s OK to come bounding into the bathroom and turn it into a circus? In case you’re unsure of a few things, I’ll help you out: The guy in the urinal next to you doesn’t want to know that you dislocated your shoulder playing softball; offering to shake someone’s hand right as you leave the urinal isn’t funny, it’s dangerously unsanitary; thanking someone for “warming up” the toilet seat isn’t necessary; and, in general, the right place to ask a colleague how his son is doing in little league isn’t while standing next to him in a bathroom with your junk in your hands.
Finally, to the guy who brushes his teeth in the bathroom, you make me sick. Your zeal for personal hygiene has gotten so out of control that you put your toothbrush ON THE SINK and then you put it in your mouth. I wouldn’t put a toothbrush in my mouth if it even broke the plane of the doorway to the bathroom. Not even if you dipped it in that blue stuff the barber keeps his combs in. If you have a family, I regret their lives for them. I can only hope that you are a very cold, unemotional father who never even thinks about kissing his children before they go to bed.