The Daily Dump

A place where everyone (me) is welcomed to express their opinions openly and honestly. I encourage free thinking, free wheeling, off-the-cuff banter and monetary donations.

Tuesday, January 31

Because You Can’t Take Vicodin For Your Ego

I’m not mentally disabled. I don’t have a tumor pressing against my frontal lobe and I didn’t contract syphilis from a hooker on the trunk of my car in the underbrush beside the Jersey turnpike.

So when I read on a receipt “NO DELIVERY CHARGE” I take that to mean that there is no delivery charge. I was an English major, and more than that I’ve spoken the language exclusively my whole life. I know what the words NO DELIVERY CHARGE mean, both individually and when placed together to form a phrase.

Which is why I was so surprised when the delivery guys showed up at The Girlfriend’s apartment and said that it would be $40 for them to carry it up the stairs. Apparently, that’s their policy. It’s their policy to write the words “NO WALK-UP FEE” and then, after you question the $40 walk-up fee, look at you like my sister's Yorkshire terrier smoking a joint.

At that point, The Girlfriend and I had two options: 1. Let these guys carry a frame, a box spring and a Queen-sized mattress up four flights of stairs for the reasonable price of $40, or 2. display our collective pride and tell them their services won’t be necessary and carry it up ourselves. I don’t think I have to tell you which one we chose. Let’s jut say you don’t write blog posts about two guys you don’t know carrying a 1000lb mattress up four flights of stairs.

(Note: This wasn’t the first time I’ve let my pride get in the way of my physical health. Last year after I first joined the gym, I approached a complicated looking machine with cables and a seat that faced no direction in particular. I could only guess how it was used, but, not wanting to seem clueless, I “got on” the machine and began doing what I thought the machine was supposed to do.

Five seconds in it became evident that whatever I was doing was not what the machine’s intended use. However, I wasn’t about to let the people around me think I didn’t know what I was doing, so I continued on with the awkward and painful motion for three sets of ten. The rest in between the sets, where I sat there trying to look competent, ranks in the top five most awkward moments of my life. Like I always say though, you can have a rotator cuff surgically repaired, but not your pride.)

Immediately regretting my decision to carry the mattress up with the help guidance of a surgically repaired girl, I contemplated just leaving it on the second floor, hoping some fourth floor resident would get mad that it was blocking their path and carry it up the rest of the way. I know that sounds like a joke, but I’m serious. If there’s one thing this whole episode taught me about myself it’s this: I hate carrying heavy things up stairs. Apparently I’m “that” guy.

20 minutes and three promises to break up with one another later, we got the mattress into the apartment and set it up. The good news is that it is just as comfortable as Bill assured us it would be. The even better news is that it has additional high density encased springs throughout the lumbar region because my back is really fucked up.

And yet after all this, after the bed is made with clean sheets on it, after the girlfriend has made her first paranoid accusation that the lower left corner dips down, after I’ve ripped an awful fart in it, prompting The Girlfriend to lament “It’s ruined,” there’s still one thing bothering me. Maybe since everyone was so helpful in telling me why pants pockets are sewn shut* someone can be equally helpful with this:

Why are there flower patterns on mattresses?

Ever since I saw my first mattress they have had flower patterns no them. Who finds this attractive? Who buys a mattress because it has a flower pattern on it? Has this conversation happened?:

Guy: (laying on bed) “Hey, this one’s is really comfortable,”

Girl: (lays down next to him) “You’re right, it is comfortable. Too bad it doesn’t have a flower pattern on it.”

It’s probably the most expensive thing people buy for themselves that they subsequently hide underneath layers and layers of cloth so when they have company over the guests don’t have to look at it (unless you buy illegal immigrants). Yet they still put this flower pattern all over it? The worst part is, it’s not even a flower pattern! It’s a plant pattern! Some mess of leaves and stems inviting you to have a good night’s sleep . . . in the wilderness! Whatever, I’m done with mattresses.

* I’m sorry, but I can’t believe that they sew pants pockets closed to discourage you from putting stuff in them. They’re pockets! What else are you supposed to do with them, turn them inside out and make pretend your butt is a puppy dog with floppy ears? Ohh . . . OK, makes sense now. Nevermind.


Bored at work, I came by way of Undercover's blog - you've entertained me well this afternoon! I'm certain I'll be back to read more. (This post about the mattress reminds me of when I had my piano moved.)

By Blogger Amy, at 4:54 PM  

This was one of the most entertaining blogs I have come across in a long time! I chuckled over the expression of that dog---err---the delivery man. Priceless!

Great writing!

By Blogger ~Deb, at 5:51 PM  

So, there are still some old walk-up buildings on the upper East Side? Surprising that there are some remaining no-elevator buildings that haven't been torn down to make way for luxury high-rises. Long ago I used to live in a 6th floor walk-up on E. 79th St. Good times.

By Anonymous outtake, at 9:50 PM  

There are STILL some old walk-up buildings?

I'd say about 85% of NYC is still walk-up.

By the time NYC is all luxury high rises, George Jetson will be freakin' mayor.

By Anonymous Captain Obvious, at 11:43 PM  

i think pants were sewn shut for this reason, and clearly, i could be wrong.

pants were first invented as a sort of uniform for factory workers in colonial times or something. anyhow, those in charge were afraid of people stealing from them in the factories, so they had the pockets sewn shut.

if you have anything better, i'm ready to listen.

By Blogger Lozo, at 1:05 AM  

I think the mattress pattern thing is bizzare as well. Maybe its so poor people and crack heads who can't afford sheets can still have an aestheticly pleasing thing? Also, they can't sell them covered in sheets so clearly its for showroom purposes. Imagine walking into a mattress store and looking at patternless chaos!

By Blogger de Kooning's Spleen, at 11:55 AM  

I bought a brand new mattress and box spring just before I decided to leave California last year. Low and behold, I couldn't get the box spring into my NYC apartment -- this was after my 60 year old father and a friend lugged it up 3 floors. The mattress only fit because we could bend it. I was SO not going to be that 29 year old with her mattress on the floor so I went off to home depot, bought several planks of wood, sheets of plywood and a set of "Bed Lifters" from Bed Bath and Beyond. Voila, a little hammering and setting up the bed frame and I have a platform bed. Honestly, I haven't the slightest idea what a box spring is for. I certainly don't miss it. Plus, I can fit LOADS more bodies underneath. I mean boxes...

By Blogger MonkeyPants, at 12:09 PM  

I love long, seemingly innocent comments that end in the suggestion of murder. Classic stuff.

By Blogger the belligerent intellectual, at 12:10 PM  

Does that dog really have a joint in its mouth? haha... that is funny! Even if that isn't a joint just the thought of a dog with a joint in its mouth is funny.

Does the dog light it itself or does one of his buddies do it for him?

By Blogger Julie_Gong, at 12:56 PM  

While we're on the mattress topic, why am I told not to remove its tag "under penalty of law?" Who's gonna stop me? The Mattress Police?!

By Blogger green_canary, at 1:05 PM  

Monkeypants, I have a friend who recently had to purchase a new mattress after her 2-year-old mattress started sagging so much, it was hurting her to sleep on it. She lives in a 1920's house in Kansas that has the same problem as you - she couldn't fit the boxspring up the stairs to where her bedroom is. She could bend the mattress, but not the boxspring, etc, etc...

Anyway, the mattress couldn't hold up its end of the support bargain without the boxspring under it. She had it on a bedframe with wooden slats that it sat directly on top of, and that didn't work.

Turns out, you can buy split boxsprings for situations like that. Who knew?

By Blogger Faith, at 1:51 PM  

Sand is nice to sleep on. Next time just buy a sandbox.

By Blogger Tuesday Girl, at 1:51 PM  

Next bed I'm getting is going to be one of those foam memory dealies. And they're easy to bend into any strange doorway/stairwell.

The "do not remove" admonition is directed toward the seller, to make sure that the buyer is aware of any allergens in the mattress. Once you've bought it, you're free to remove it. Check out the entire tag and you'll find out what kind of weird shit you're sleeping on.

By Blogger Dennis!, at 3:40 PM  

After a katrillion moves from 1998-2002, my husband and I decided we are never moving our stuff again. The emphasis on WE. The next time we moved, we hired professional movers and even packers. We have the same approach when it comes to large /heavy purchases. When I sit on my butt and watch these guys lug in hundreds of pounds of stuff, I know that the $40-70 was well worth it.

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I have experienced some of these side effects -
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I hope this information will be useful to others,
Robert Fraser

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