The Daily Dump

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Friday, January 27

Friday’s Quick Hits

– I’ve been doing research for work in a divorce case and I am AMAZED by the legal “excuses” people can provide for requesting a divorce. Constructive abandonment involves “one spouse's refusal to engage in sexual relations with the other spouse continuously for one year or longer without consent, good cause or justification.”

What’s so “constructive” about this, other than the fact that this is the basis on which, as I understand it, most marriages are constructed? After years of pestering a man to marry her, breaking him down with love, revealing clothing and his own money, a woman has earned the right to gain weight and stop having sex. This isn’t a reason to get a divorce, this is a reason to go on a vacation.

– I really can’t figure out why when you buy a pair of men’s pants the back pockets are sewn shut. I have theories, like so shipping clerks can’t hide drugs in them, or so small creatures can’t burrow into them and make a home. But I don’t have any concrete answers. And I even did a Google search and came up empty. I just want the clothing companies to know, I’m not mad. You can tell me, I won’t be angry with you. I just want to know why.

– Last night I hung out with these two guys and found out one absolute truth: though all three of us will claim that we hold nothing back in out blogs, the funniest things are the ones you just can’t publish on the internet.

– The other day I was looking for some batteries for one of my 15 remote controls and came across my solar calculator. It hit me: You can buy one solar calculator that will last you your entire life. Why would you ever need to buy a new one? Math isn’t going to change. It’s always going to be plus, minus, percent, etc. And there is always going to be sunlight.

So this raises two questions for me: 1. At some point is the market for solar calculators going to dry up completely? And 2. Who is at the source of the conspiracy to prevent other household items (like a goddamn remote control, for example) from being solar powered? I’ll tell you who – the battery companies. The fucking battery companies.

146 Comments:

No, that's not true actually...I've totally written about the time I gave a back-alley abortion to that retarded homeless call girl. That was hilarious.

By Blogger Ace Cowboy, at 3:32 PM  

And little did Ace know, but I was actually that homeless call girl. The experience was so traumatic I immediately had a sex change.

By Anonymous Larry, at 3:48 PM  

pockets are sewn shut to discourage guys from putting wallets and such into said pockets. over time, using those pockets will ruin the "line" of the pants (look at your old slacks and witness the imprint of a wallet). that's why.

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 3:49 PM  

Solar powered remotes... GENIUS!
And, I think pockets are sewn shut so they lay properly in shipping. No one likes a deformed pocket.

By Blogger undercover celebrity, at 4:18 PM  

Undercover Celeb is right... my family owns a clothing store and pants pockets (for men and women) are sewn shot on nicer trousers so that they lay flat and keep their shape. They're not meant to stay sewn forever...you're supposed to cut them open when you get home. (some coats...like the ones BR sells have their coat pockets sewn shut too). Google.com should pay me (and UC).

By Blogger VespaRosso, at 5:11 PM  

All year, I've been trying to figure out how to describe my situation to others. Constructive abandonment. Thanks.

By Anonymous Neil, at 5:25 PM  

Duracell is at least as bad as the USSR.

By Blogger dantobindantobin, at 8:22 PM  

The sewn-shut pockets are not exclusive to men's trousers. It has spread to womenswear as well. I hate it more than Styx.

By Blogger Sue Ellen Mischke, at 10:33 PM  

I also hate sewn-shut suit pockets. I know open suit pockets are a sign of a better (read: more expensive) suit, but I'd like to be able to put my business cards somewhere that doesn't involve me looking like I'm fondling myself every time I reach for one.

(Whew. I've been meaning to get that off my chest for years now. Thanks, man. I feel better.)

By Blogger RetroDragon, at 5:37 PM  

Constructive abandonment. Why do you assume it is always the man getting denied and the woman witholding?

I wish I'd known that term 3 years ago when everyone was asking me why I was getting divorced. It sounds so polished, would have been the honest answer, and yet, doesn't feed them any salacious, gossipy details. Thanks - you just helped me answer a very tough, very personal question in a graceful way.

By Blogger Cinnamon, at 5:47 PM  

What about solar powered vibrators? The potential is endless.

By Blogger Steph, at 9:16 PM  

Fuck the battery companies. Fuck them right in the ear.

By Anonymous savia, at 12:20 PM  

constructive abandonment?

no shit. and here i thought constructive ouster was fucked....

go legal world for sugar coating shit and making things into a whole other language!

By Blogger da buttah, at 6:36 PM  

I don't know about you guys, but I need light (either artificial or sunlight) in order to make my solar calculator work. (I'm sure everyone was aware of that, so now on to my point...) I often watch t.v. in the dark - especially movies. So the solar powered thing would kind of get in the way of the continuity of that process. At least for me it would.

And I don't use a vibrator, but I would imagine that unless you're hanging out next to a lightbulb to use it, then the solar-powered thing might not be so helpful there, either. Maybe more people than I realized are using them with the blinds totally open on bright sunny days, and I'm just living in a more sexually repressed neighborhood? I dunno.

I just wish that I could figure out why the battery in my smoke detector always manages to lose it's power at 3 a.m., requiring me to (a) rouse myself from a super sleepy state in order to figure out what the damned beeping noise is, and then (b) replacing the battery in said very sleepy state, cursing the damned thing the entire time I'm doing so. I hate that shit...

By Blogger Faith, at 3:56 PM  

What do you call those things that look like fire hydrants but are actually coming out of the side of a building?

By Blogger [Disgrundled], at 5:30 PM  

I steal batteries out of my remote control and use them in my vibrator and I always forget to put them back when I'm done. My husband grabs the remote and can't change the channel. I think it's funny as hell, he fails to see the humor. Although it usually means he's going to get sex becuase remembering why I stole the batteries turns him on. Anyway, I don't know what I would do if the remote was solar. I hope it never happens.

Was that too much information?

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By Anonymous Escort London, at 11:40 AM  

I have been wondering about the pocket thing for quite awhile. It bothers me to death! Honestly, I thought it was so that they didn't stick out on a woman's skirt, but that sounds a little silly. I did Google it (it manifested an answer in one place only) and everyone says the same-ish thing..."It's slimming," which is no less silly an answer than the first one which runs along the same lines. They SHOULD tell us with maybe a little disclaimer or something, "Pockets sewn shut for your own safety" or "...for the sake of vanity." But the sewing doesn't really seem to be meant to stay put as the seam unravels at the slightest tug.

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