I understand that I’m pretty close to turning this into a “CSI” blog, one that keeps track of things like Grissom’s birthday (real and fake) and includes a “Forensics Tip of the Day” at the end of each post. The show is a drug and I’m addicted. But I promise, this will be the last “CSI” related post. I’m going cold turkey after this. Plus I figure 22 million people watch “CSI” every week, so at least I’ve got them.
And yes, I also understand that me writing about how cool “CSI” is now is like me writing an email to my stock broker friends saying, “Hey guys, have you heard of this company Microsoft?” But back when this show started I was still going out and getting drunk on Thursday nights. So I’m playing catch up. OK?
Five Things I Like About “CSI,” aka The Last Five Things I Will Say About “CSI” In This Blog:
1. The Extras
The casting room for this show must be awesome. Couldn’t you just see the parents from “Malcolm in the Middle” running into each other at the auditions like, “Come on! They’ll never cast us BOTH as Grieving Parents One and Two! Rock, Paper, Scissors?“
It seems like every episode The Girlfriend and I are having exchanges like:
TG: “Isn’t that the father from “My So-Called Life?””
Me: “No, it’s the father from 90210.”
It got to the point where The Girlfriend mistook a corpse for Judith Light.
Oh, and that hooker Nick had sex with? That was Krista Allen. Even a Mormon couldn’t fault him for doing it.
2. The Coroner
For some reason, in all these crime shows no one comes off more believable than the coroner. You just take for granted that these people enjoy working with dead bodies. I think if there was a Crime Show Coroner-Off, the top three results would go like this:
#1 Dr. Al Robbins from “CSI” – The man could tell me I was dead due to blunt force trauma to the head, and I would believe him.
#2 Dr. Elizabeth Rodgers “Law and Order: Criminal Intent” – Easily the most underappreciated coroner on TV. I couldn’t even find a decent picture of her.
#3 Dr. Melinda Warner “Law and Order: Special Victims Unit” – Easily the hottest coroner on or off TV.
3. Most Specialized Tools Ever
They have a machine to lift fingerprints off garbage bags. They have a machine dedicated to interpreting the grooves left behind by a pen when a person writes something down on a pad and then tears the top sheet off. How many times could you possibly use this a year? Five? They have a special machine dedicated to just about anything you could possibly want to do in a criminal investigation. You really get the feeling that no evildoer could escape the evidence. And that’s reassuring.
(Meanwhile, in the real world, cops cut out chunks of bloody carpet with sheetrock knives and FedEx them to Jersey for DNA analysis at “We Do Genetics, Inc.”)
4. The Back-story
I always thought the one thing wrong with “Law and Order” was that the characters were purposefully one dimensional. Sure they had attitudes and dispositions and the bad habit of spouting out bad wordplay over dead bodies. But from week to week you never felt like you got to know the characters any better.
In fact, the only real defining characteristic I can remember is that Lenny used to be an alcoholic and Green was addicted to gambling. Which is puzzling because the only black guy on “CSI” (Warrick) is also a gambling addict. What, did we run out of regular racial stereotypes and needed to spread some new ones?
Regardless, it makes “CSI” more interesting that you know that what happened last week is going to affect how everyone acts this week. Also, every girl on the show is a sex kitten. Seriously, watch Catherine for five minutes and tell me she doesn’t want to have sex with everyone on the show. And, if I were CSI Dan, I would totally let her. Even if she left the vest on. And then she would threaten me with a sexual harassment case and we would have a CSI face-off using the evidence to save our jobs. Anyway . . .
5. NO ONE CAN ESCAPE THE EVIDENCE!
5a. Watching this show not only makes you think that being a CSI is the coolest job in the world, it also makes you think you know everything about being a CSI. I’m not kidding – Turn off “CSI” and flip over to the evening news and tell me that you don’t instinctively say, “Man, I can’t believe those cops are ruining the crime scene walking around like that. They’re destroying evidence with every step. And how could they not catch this guy? You mean to tell me there are NO fibers left at the scene? Bullshit.”