The Daily Dump

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Tuesday, January 17

I Can’t Stop Writing About “CSI”

I understand that I’m pretty close to turning this into a “CSI” blog, one that keeps track of things like Grissom’s birthday (real and fake) and includes a “Forensics Tip of the Day” at the end of each post. The show is a drug and I’m addicted. But I promise, this will be the last “CSI” related post. I’m going cold turkey after this. Plus I figure 22 million people watch “CSI” every week, so at least I’ve got them.

And yes, I also understand that me writing about how cool “CSI” is now is like me writing an email to my stock broker friends saying, “Hey guys, have you heard of this company Microsoft?” But back when this show started I was still going out and getting drunk on Thursday nights. So I’m playing catch up. OK?

Five Things I Like About “CSI,” aka The Last Five Things I Will Say About “CSI” In This Blog:

1. The Extras

The casting room for this show must be awesome. Couldn’t you just see the parents from “Malcolm in the Middle” running into each other at the auditions like, “Come on! They’ll never cast us BOTH as Grieving Parents One and Two! Rock, Paper, Scissors?“

It seems like every episode The Girlfriend and I are having exchanges like:

TG: “Isn’t that the father from “My So-Called Life?””

Me: “No, it’s the father from 90210.”

It got to the point where The Girlfriend mistook a corpse for Judith Light.

Oh, and that hooker Nick had sex with? That was Krista Allen. Even a Mormon couldn’t fault him for doing it.




















2. The Coroner

For some reason, in all these crime shows no one comes off more believable than the coroner. You just take for granted that these people enjoy working with dead bodies. I think if there was a Crime Show Coroner-Off, the top three results would go like this:

#1 Dr. Al Robbins from “CSI” – The man could tell me I was dead due to blunt force trauma to the head, and I would believe him.

#2 Dr. Elizabeth Rodgers “Law and Order: Criminal Intent” – Easily the most underappreciated coroner on TV. I couldn’t even find a decent picture of her.

#3 Dr. Melinda Warner “Law and Order: Special Victims Unit” – Easily the hottest coroner on or off TV.

3. Most Specialized Tools Ever

They have a machine to lift fingerprints off garbage bags. They have a machine dedicated to interpreting the grooves left behind by a pen when a person writes something down on a pad and then tears the top sheet off. How many times could you possibly use this a year? Five? They have a special machine dedicated to just about anything you could possibly want to do in a criminal investigation. You really get the feeling that no evildoer could escape the evidence. And that’s reassuring.

(Meanwhile, in the real world, cops cut out chunks of bloody carpet with sheetrock knives and FedEx them to Jersey for DNA analysis at “We Do Genetics, Inc.”)

4. The Back-story

I always thought the one thing wrong with “Law and Order” was that the characters were purposefully one dimensional. Sure they had attitudes and dispositions and the bad habit of spouting out bad wordplay over dead bodies. But from week to week you never felt like you got to know the characters any better.

In fact, the only real defining characteristic I can remember is that Lenny used to be an alcoholic and Green was addicted to gambling. Which is puzzling because the only black guy on “CSI” (Warrick) is also a gambling addict. What, did we run out of regular racial stereotypes and needed to spread some new ones?

Regardless, it makes “CSI” more interesting that you know that what happened last week is going to affect how everyone acts this week. Also, every girl on the show is a sex kitten. Seriously, watch Catherine for five minutes and tell me she doesn’t want to have sex with everyone on the show. And, if I were CSI Dan, I would totally let her. Even if she left the vest on. And then she would threaten me with a sexual harassment case and we would have a CSI face-off using the evidence to save our jobs. Anyway . . .

5. NO ONE CAN ESCAPE THE EVIDENCE!

5a. Watching this show not only makes you think that being a CSI is the coolest job in the world, it also makes you think you know everything about being a CSI. I’m not kidding – Turn off “CSI” and flip over to the evening news and tell me that you don’t instinctively say, “Man, I can’t believe those cops are ruining the crime scene walking around like that. They’re destroying evidence with every step. And how could they not catch this guy? You mean to tell me there are NO fibers left at the scene? Bullshit.”

14 Comments:

My husband has a major crush on Catherine.

I do agree with you that having that job does seem like the coolest thing in the world. Much better than sitting in a cubicle all day.

Although, have you noticed that Greg, the analyst who's now out the field isn't quite as good as he used to be? He needs to get back in the lab!

By Blogger Carolyn, at 7:22 PM  

..sigh.. Are we done with this topic now? I don't even watch this show. Now, if you want to devote your blog to the OC, that would be a different story...

By Blogger Libby Mae Brown, at 7:43 PM  

Apparently there has been a dramatic rise of enrollment in Forensic Sciences and Criminology.

Everyone wants to become CSI Dan, or who have you.

ps - your list makes up for "the great absence". Welcome back.

double ps - If you become, or if anyone becomes, CSI they might then risk being abducted and buried alive where you/they would surely get bitten a million times by fire ants. You may want to avoid this line of work for this reason only.

By Blogger Kelly, at 8:24 AM  

I'd be more afraid if you were prattling on about "Queer Eye."

By Blogger Trix, at 10:46 AM  

Speaking of coroners - How about Ducky on NCIS - a former Man From U.N.C.L.E. David McCallum is great.

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 11:12 AM  

Is it just completely wrong that I'm going to miss your CSI posts?

I couldn't agree with you more on Law and Order. And, is it just me, or did that Assistant DA Jack McCoy (Sam Waterston) seems to be mildly retarded?

By Blogger undercover celebrity, at 1:08 PM  

I like how you can tell which season you are watching. You just look at Catherine, season 1 - no face lift, somewhere between season 2 or 3 - major facelift.

I have been meaning to netflix this, b/c I just got into it this year and watch Spike TV every day from 7 to 9 for repeats.

By Blogger Betty, at 1:31 PM  

I'm waiting for The OCSI, where young, pretty rich kids solve crimes using Louis Vuitton fingerprint machines.

By Blogger dantobindantobin, at 2:25 PM  

No show has ever had better coroner's than Homicide: Life on the Street. First the incredibly weird, ancient, half-crippled Shiner, then the tough yet gorgeous Michelle Forbes...damn it, I miss that show.

By Blogger The Bourbon Samurai, at 2:26 PM  

I believe the DVR was created specifically for people who missed the first three seasons of CSI. I actually didn't get to see the end of the Texas-USC game because my DVR ran out of space because i had 18 saved episodes I hadn't watched. Thanks a lot, Spike.

You do know that your boy Nick was raped by his female babysitter when he was 9, right? That may explain the whole hooker thing (although, as I said, he didn't pay)

So should we not expect a post next Monday?

By Blogger White Dade, at 3:05 PM  

THIS IS RANDOM AND OFF TOPIC BUT B.I. HERE IS SOME INFO FOR YOU! =P

Now if I could just take some time and go collect some money that day!=)

January 25th could be your lucky day! Will you catch the cougher walking between two prehistoric fountains? Good Luck!

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 5:28 PM  

P.S. They are refering to the Land Mark here in Los Angeles Called the La Brea Tar Pits!

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 5:29 PM  

I love Melinda Warner, she's so great and she finally made it to a series regular.

I'm more of a L&O person than CSI. Sorry.

By Blogger Heather B., at 5:53 PM  

ALMOST everyone is a sex kitten on CSI.

Sarah is horrible. She's got an attitude and is hard on the eyes. I can't see why they have propelled Grissom and her toward each other (on and off). Of course, he likes looking at bugs.

I had to laugh my ass off when that one killer was speaking with Sarah and he said "no, I want to speak with the pretty one".

By Blogger hanmee, at 9:48 PM  

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