The Daily Dump

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Wednesday, February 22

The Biathlon Makes No Sense

Here’s something else the United States isn’t good at: Skiing around a loop with a high powered rifle strapped to your back which you will use intermittently to shoot at targets before taking off skiing again. Oddly, the most successful countries at this event are the historically war-torn, frigid countries whose people have a history of actually having to shoot things while skiing. One historian notes:

“Historical descriptions of warriors on skis date back to before Christ and include writings from Xenophon, Strabol, Arrian, Teophanes, Prokopius, and Acruni.”

That’s a lot of famous writers! No word on what Goethe or Tolstoy thought of the event, but Germany and Russia seem to be dominating the events along with Norway, who you have to assume just fancy going out on skis and shooting things up. The U.S. can’t seem to finish any biathlon event higher than ninth. No wonder Hemmingway once wrote of the biathlon: “It is a great event for people unhurried by nobler efforts such as fishing and drinking.”

Which got me to thinking, like Hem often does. Since Americans frequently succeed in sports they create (like Snowboarding), why not create a new biathlon combination? Such as:

1. Ice fishing / Running with tennis racquets on feet. Drill a hole in the ice, catch a fish and then take off running on snowshoes – carrying your catch!

2. Free throw shooting / Sledding. Sink 10 consecutive free throws then immediately turn around and launch yourself down a hill on a sled. You must carry your sled back up the hill for round two, ruining all the fun.

3. Snow dog racing / Show dog grooming. Race a 5K Iditarod-style event followed up by grooming your sled dogs for a grueling battle for Best In Show.

I’m just thinking outside the box here. Sure, my suggestions might not be steeped in “history,” but I think we can all agree that is Prokopius was writing about it, it’s probably out of style anyway.

(Note: It may seem like I’m making fun of the biathlon. This is not so. On the contrary, I can think of few things sexier than a woman skiing down a hill with a loaded weapon. Except maybe a woman skiing down a hill with a loaded weapon, wearing a bikini and telling me how funny my blog is. Yeah, that would do it.)


Here are my observations and comments:

1) Biathalon is cool because of the following: you have to do the hardest cardiovascular sport there is, which leaves you panting and lurching and heaving, and then you have to hold your shuddering body still enough to do a high-precision task. I can't imagine being able to do that.

2) I traveled to Israel in 1995, and discovered that there is nothing sexier than a beautiful 18 year old woman with long black hair, olive skin, big brown eyes, dressed in camoflage and carrying an uzi at a bus station. Tops.

By Anonymous Simon, at 2:13 PM  

I vote for #2!!! That would be an event I'd watch, anyway. Would they use an old fashioned tobogan for the sledding portion?

By Blogger Faith, at 2:16 PM  

If the U.S. populous could decide, there is no doubt that the masses would vote in the dog grooming biathlon. Don't you think? There are so many crazies that wath the pups trot around... Silliness. Just like the actual biathlon.

By Blogger Kelly, at 2:34 PM  

I think th U.S. would have too much competition from those wacky Canadians with a biathalon in the style of #1.

By Blogger susan, at 3:38 PM  

I vote that sledding becomes an Olympic sport, forget the free throw shooting. But I do like #3.

By Blogger Hope, at 4:36 PM  

Perhaps if we started invading more cold weather countries we could get better at this sport. As soon as Sweeden is overtaken by a terrorist dictator, we can begin our domination.

By Blogger White Dade, at 4:49 PM  

A woman in a bikini with a gun, who thinks your blog is that is an Olympic sport worth watching. ~grin~

By Blogger Indiana, at 6:29 PM  

i vote for throwing back 4 pints of guiness after which you run as far as humanly possible. WITH SCISSORS. POISON TIPPED SCISSORS. just as hard as that biathlonish crap.

By Blogger birdie, at 8:30 PM  

I'm pretty sure everyone I know would watch that event. Imagine how many athletes we would lose though. I mean not dying from the scissors, but literally lose. Some people can run really far.

By Blogger the belligerent intellectual, at 8:38 PM  

Here is the true nature of the biathalon...

By Anonymous Simon, at 2:47 PM  

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