The Daily Dump

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Thursday, February 23

Bode Miller Doesn’t Care About The Olympics

Unquestionably one of the most talented downhill skiers, Bode has earned the reputation of being an enigma – an über-capable skier who just doesn’t seem to care about winning. At the outset of the Games he was hyped to win multiple medals in various downhill events, but after several disappointing runs, including one disqualification and one DNF, Bode has disappointed America and made children everywhere cry.

What’s worse, he doesn’t seem too bothered. He was seen partying the night before his downhill race (in which he finished 5th, two away from getting a medal for those of you scoring at home). Then after his disqualification in the combined event (one downhill, two slalom runs) he joked that the error saved him the 90-minute ride down to Turin for the medal ceremony. He later said that Angelina Jolie once wanted to have sex with him, but he was too tired to get off the couch and buzz her into his apartment.

"It is other people who want me to win medals," he said. "The silver medals I won in Salt Lake City didn't give me anything. Last year I set myself the goal of winning the World Cup and lining up a long series of wins. It was my private challenge. This year I just want to enjoy myself. I could give up tomorrow without having the slightest regret. I could keep away from this world for a year and then perhaps start to feel the desire to prove something to myself again."

Spoken like a true champion!

Bode’s last chance for a medal comes in Saturday’s slalom event, which, after failing to finish five of seven World Cup slaloms this season, is not his strong suit. To make matters worse, he hurt his ankle playing basketball earlier in the week. The injury is said to be negligible, but when asked if there are backups should Miller be unable to compete, U.S. Ski Team Alpine director Jesse Hunt said, "We'd take a look at it. You know, Erik Schlopy is still here,” after which media members from at least seven different countries penned jokes for “Schlopy Seconds” should Schlopy indeed compete in Miller’s place.

Taking cue from Kobe Bryant, who gave himself the nickname “The Mamba” (the snake, not the dance) for his ability to strike quickly and lethally, I’ve decided to start referring to Bode as “The Jackass,” a creature that is defined by its stupidity. Indeed, it is written that they “have a reputation for stubbornness, but this is due to some handlers' misinterpretation of their highly-developed sense of self preservation. It is difficult to force or frighten a donkey into doing something it sees as contrary to its own best interest, as opposed to horses who are much more willing to, for example, go along a path with unsafe footing.” An apt description, seeing as how a horse on skis could probably do better than Bode Miller right about now.


Bode totally wanted to get drunk with beautiful women first and worry about the skiing later.

He angers me too.

By Blogger Momentary Academic, at 11:58 AM  

why do mostly all skiing outfits have spider webs on them?

By Blogger Julie_Gong, at 1:28 PM  

Angers and disappoints? Shit, this guy is my hero.

He doesn't care about other people's expectations, and he doesn't want you to care about other people's expectations. He's like James Dean, on skis. Or Christian the Cakeboy from Clueless. Either one.

By Blogger Ace Cowboy, at 2:00 PM  

You can blame Nike for giving him a truck full of money before the Olympics even started.

By Blogger Bailey, at 3:07 PM  

One more thing, speaking of skiing, have you noticed that one of the announcers for the skiing sounds JUST LIKE Colin Mockary from "Who's Line is it Anway"

By Blogger Bailey, at 3:09 PM  

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