The Daily Dump

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Wednesday, February 22

Ice Dancing Is Unbearable


Last night I went to the food store on my way home from work. I bought myself some pork chops and some fresh vegetables and some wild rice, intending to cook myself a great meal when I got home. I even had a bottle of wine a distant relative gave me for Christmas. I had Sin City on Tivo which I was going to watch at 8:00 so I could simultaneously record the Olympics and, when the movie was over, watch them as they was meant to be watched – fast forwarding through pointless commentary and those interminable 20 seconds before judges scores come up on the screen. It was going to be a great night.

When I got home I cooked the whole meal and excitedly sat down on the couch. Then, corkscrew poised, I unwrapped the foil wrapper on the bottle of wine only to see staring back at me a flimsy metal screw cap. Then I went to my Tivo recordings list and saw that Sin City had been bumped after an unexpected influx of “Law and Orders,” all of which I had seen at least twice before. I stood there, twist-top wine in hand, staring at the TV in disbelief just long enough for my meal, the last bastion of hope for the night, to turn lukewarm.

So my fun night of delicious food, drink and entertainment turned into me eating a tepid pork chop with twist-cap chardonnay on ice while watching Hotel Rwanda.

AND YET, that is nothing compared to the pain of going to The Girlfriend’s apartment the other night and hearing her say to me: “Let’s order take-out and watch the Ice Dancing competition.”

I don’t think there’s a masculine equivalent in pure intensity to the feminism of Ice Dancing. If a normal scale of male / female activities looked something like this:

Carrying a purse <------------------------------------------------------------------------> Leaning to the side
when farting

The scale for Ice Dancing might look something like this:

Watching Ice Dancing <------------------------------------------------------------------------> Killing a deer with
Your bare hands

But again, that’s probably not accurate. I mean, they don’t even jump! They just . . . dance. On ice skates. It’s like making Disco Roller skating a Summer game in 2008. I guess Tanith Belbin makes it .0004% watchable, but then you have to subtract .0003% from that because she skates with Joey Fatone.

4 Comments:

I call Ice Dancing "Figure skating for Dummies" because I figure they are basically the firgure skating rejects that just couldn't hack it.

By Blogger Erin Mc, at 5:45 PM  

I say that all with all the arrogance in the world... considering I looked like I had a stick up my ass the last time I tried ice skating.

By Blogger Erin Mc, at 5:53 PM  

I'm finding this whole Olympics over-rated. Between the two speedskaters arguing over who's going to be the top and who's going to be the bottom and the fact that no one else can seem to do anything they're supposed to do, I say curling up with a little genocide and chardonnay is the only rational response.

By Blogger RetroDragon, at 6:40 PM  

...so much to say in response to this post, but I'm going to limit it to:
1) the FOOD STORE???? Are things really that different in New York? Out here it's a grocery store or supermarket. The "food store" cracks me up. It reminds me of how my former roommate used to laugh at me when I said I was going out for pet food, as opposed to cat food.

2) Screw top wine is of the devil. But I'd like to point out that the decision to put it on ice was all your doing and you should be ashamed.

By Blogger undercover celebrity, at 4:59 PM  

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