The Daily Dump

A place where everyone (me) is welcomed to express their opinions openly and honestly. I encourage free thinking, free wheeling, off-the-cuff banter and monetary donations.

Wednesday, February 15

Victoria's Secret Is Hard

The Girlfriend and I have an understanding wherein she accepts the fact that I often buy bad presents and in return she doesn’t break up with me.

No holiday is worse than Valentine’s Day. For some reason, I can’t wrap my head around buying someone a substantially useless, romantic present like flowers or chocolates. I’ve been given chocolates as a present before, and while it’s awesome that, thanks to the present, you get to eat chocolate, you can’t help but think “This could have been a DVD.” And flowers? The Girlfriend and I have had this conversation at least five times:

Me: “But they die.”

TG: “But they’re pretty.”

Me: “But they die.”

Not that any of my ideas have been much better. One year I bought her a dinner that I would have paid for anyway. More recently I gave her a perfume she now uses to freshen up the waste basket in her kitchen. This year I was determined to do things differently. Yesterday, on my lunch break, I went to Victoria’s Secret.

On any average, normal day Victoria’s Secret is a store full of underwear and the women who need it. On Valentine’s Day it transforms into a store full of underwear and the men who want their wives to have sex with them. It’s a circus of lace, carnal intent, but most of all utter and complete confusion. I imagine if there was a holiday centered around indecisiveness, fear of commitment and an insatiable appetite for sex, women would be walking around Home Depot the same way men walk around Victoria’s Secret on Valentine’s Day – gingerly picking up items off racks afraid they might get dirty or, worse, have to describe what they are looking for to a sales associate. You don’t really know yourself until you’ve asked an overaggressive saleswoman where you might find a matching panty for this tank top.

I spent almost an hour walking around the store alternately trying not to be noticed and to avoid noticing anyone else in the store. I don’t know what’s worse: the shame of a woman catching your glance as she rummages through a bin of thongs or the “WTF?” face of a guy holding a chemise up in the air knowing he is trying to picture his wife in it. Fact of the matter is, wherever you look there are people holding women’s underwear and it’s about as close as the average guy is going to get to an orgy. And everyone knows that. And it’s a little awkward – except for the one guy who walks around like he’s in the food store picking up Cheerios and a taco kit. You just know this guy has been in a porn.

Anyway, in the end I came away with what I thought was a great present, until I gave it to The Girlfriend and she informed me that I had bought the wrong sized bottoms and the wrong sized top. Nothing says love like, “But I thought you were bigger than that.”

Good thing I also stopped into Sharper Image to buy something for myself and spied this awesome Pedometer – you know, one of those devices that counts how many steps you take and the distance you walk? So I bought that for The Girlfriend as well, essentially offering her a bundle of presents that suggest that I think she is big and should keep track of her exercise regimen more closely. Ah! The romance!

I will say this: there is something oddly empowering about a co-worker asking you a legal question while you assemble a Victoria’s Secret gift box in your office. It just smacks of “The hardest part of my life right now is wrapping this lingerie for my girlfriend to wear tonight.”


i'm with your girl on the flowers. yes, they die, but they are the sexual organs of the plant kingdom. your sexual organs will die, too, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't give them as gifts. what kind of craziness is that?

keep your dvd. i'll take a shiny pair of ovaries any day of the week.

By Blogger ducklet, at 3:24 PM  

Why do I have the feeling Brando gets laid more through my blog than I do?

By Blogger the belligerent intellectual, at 3:32 PM  

Dan, you should always know sizes before you go into stores like that. Just take a look in The Girlfriend's drawer next time, and check the tags for proper size.

Sometimes the situation worsens when you buy items that are too small: "Oh, I didn't think you were that big. I mean, I thought you were smaller. I mean, uh, I love you and you're georgeous. Okay, I'll sleep on the couch."

By Blogger Kelly, at 3:46 PM  

Great post. I found you through your comment on Marit's blog, and I think you are really funny. I'm adding you to my daily reads.

By Blogger Erin Mc, at 4:19 PM  

I'm thinking maybe as part of you're whole "New Identity" thing you should get a job at Victoria's Secret and become an authority on all things ligerie. This would not only avoid embarassment around holiday gift-giving time, but also give you a bevvy of new options should you accidentally buy your girl the large sized panties again.

By Blogger White Dade, at 4:23 PM  

Coulda been worse. Coulda been VS flannel cow pajamas.

I'm still scarred.

By Blogger MonkeyPants, at 4:24 PM  

New reader de-lurking to say I'm one of those girls who don't enjoy making eye contact with guys in VS as I look through lacy things. Men being dragged in by their girlfriends I can handle.

It's those guys by themselves...I feign nonchalance and try to give them the benefit of the doubt, and assume that they're just hapless, well-intentioned boyfriends and not pervs.

By Blogger felicity, at 4:32 PM  

Kelly's right. If you're intimate with a girl enough to get her undies, she probably has them lying around in your apartment. Or you live with her. EIther way, it's pretty easy to check unless she keeps her intimates locked in a safe.

And yeah, flowers die - but that's a good thing. You can keep giving flowers, birthdays, when she's stressed, just because. It's fresh every time. I mean, how many times can you give her the unrated Wedding Crashers DVD?

By Blogger spinachdip, at 4:38 PM  

Oh, and re: shopping at VS

That's why they have a website. And don't shop last minute - there's always a sale in January.

By Blogger spinachdip, at 4:40 PM  

I'm waiting for someone to comment: "Dan, clearly you're not a good boyfriend. The Girlfriend, my number is 555-LOVE. Give me a call."

By Blogger the belligerent intellectual, at 4:50 PM  

Dan, you really need to get the priority right, and take the girlfriend shopping for the lingerie with you...she gets to model it, you get to place "dress ups" with a real life barbie, and the foreplay goes on for hours...great fun, and you get kudos for being so patient while she shops...

And lets face it watching your girlfriend change in and out of any lingerie combination you can think of is not really that much of a sacrifice.

By Blogger Indiana, at 5:12 PM  

alternately, you could give her lingerie 15 sizes too small (try the children's section at Abercrombie and Fitch) and when she holds up the Barbie-doll sized clothing in confusion, very somberly say, 'This is how I see you.'

i'm almost positive she'll swoon.

By Blogger ducklet, at 5:16 PM  

I like indiana's idea. Even better if you combine it with pre-shopping cocktails.

By Blogger Snooze, at 5:19 PM  

Dude, you're awesome. But don't let the internets fool you: the sales associates at VS will not--gasp!--let you go into the dressing room with your GF. We have tried and failed many a time. Gotta go to the Gap to get some good in-store action.

p.s. My beau is a Cheerios and taco kit kind of guy and this just confirms my suspicions that he's done the porn. Is it bad that this excites me?

By Anonymous Leah, at 5:45 PM  

Dan, you're clearly not a good boyfriend. The Girlfriend, my number is....

p.s. If you ever do buy flowers, don't use 1-800-flowers. I sent two dozen out to someone recently, and she only got 18.

By Blogger Rune, at 7:52 PM  

ahh the wrong-sized clothing...a classic bf mistake. the bf once bought me a tube top he thought was a skirt, but it could neither fit my ass nor my top half.

By Blogger Sub Girl, at 8:40 AM  

did you think of possibly taking her to VS instead of just buying her something from there..? That could've been fun and/or entertaining and at least then you would've gotten things in the right size.

By Blogger Heather B., at 10:54 AM  

I love watching men in VS, it is good stuff.

By Blogger Tuesday Girl, at 11:09 AM  

If you just realized that lingerie is not a gift for her, but a gift for YOU this whole problem would have been solved. She's supposed to buy the lingerie for YOU! You're the one who's going to be enjoying it. Then there would be no size mix up.

By Blogger Hope, at 2:35 PM  

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