The Daily Dump

A place where everyone (me) is welcomed to express their opinions openly and honestly. I encourage free thinking, free wheeling, off-the-cuff banter and monetary donations.

Thursday, March 2

I’m Moving Back Home!


I grew up in a small town on Long Island. (Insert joke here.)

It’s name is Bellport, or as I often refer to it, “Dawson’s Creek light” – “Dawson’s Creek” because it’s one of those places where everyone knows everyone’s name and that, due to it’s location on the coast, comes alive in the summer and dies again in the winter; “light” because even though I dedicated my teenage years to finding my own Joey Potter, the closest I came was finding a cheerleader who liked peach schnapps a little too much. Even when J. Crew came and did a photo shoot at our little beach, when something cool finally happened to my town, they brought the ugly models, as though to say “Polo shirts! For mediocre people in a mediocre town.”

In all respects it was a quiet, average town, a town I neither brag about hailing from nor am ashamed to say I once called home. Until now.

The Girlfriend finally got around to reading the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue the other night, and God bless her heart for actually reading the text. Because while I may have picked up the magazine nine or ten times already, the caption on this picture escaped my eye every time.

(click to enlarge)

Yeah, I live in New York City now and yeah I once saw Jesse Spano walking out of her apartment building. I know, I’m big shit now. But finding out that this girl lives in Bellport is like finding out that Rachel McAdams has fallen in love with and married her UPS guy. Honestly, I cannot wait to visit my parents again. I’m going to spend my entire day walking around the approximately one-quarter square mile town hoping I bump into Pania. And when I do? Well, one of two things will happen:

1. I’ll play it cool and make pretend I have no idea who she is, because every time I read an interview with an actress or a model they’re always saying that they like normal guys who aren’t awestruck by celebrity; or

2. I’ll make good on my promise to trap her in a hotel room with no phone and no means of escape and we’ll order room service together until she reaches a healthy target weight.

(Pania, if you are reading this, I’m only doing it because I care.)

(Pania’s lawyers, if you are reading this, I’m only kidding.)

(Mom, if you see Pania in the deli, call me immediately. Don’t let her leave until I get there.)

(Better yet, make friends with her. You’re friends with everyone else in town, why not her? Then you can invite her over to dinner. Jesus, I’m getting lightheaded over here.)

22 Comments:

ummm... it also says that she has a husband! She's 21!!! But, you should still trap her in a hotel room and make her eat - girlfriend is SKINNY!

By Blogger lena, at 4:29 PM  

You should be commended for caring about that poor girl's healthy target weight. I hope you find her!

By Blogger Carolyn, at 4:49 PM  

Eww, really? You think she's hot? I think she kind of looks like an alien, especially in the second picture. She has a GIGANTIC forehead. Even Bellport's models are subpar.

(And I promise this comment has nothing to do with the fact that I can only dream that my stomach muscles looked like that)

By Blogger Libby Mae Brown, at 5:05 PM  

Not if I beat you there

By Blogger Laurie (aka buggy), at 7:29 PM  

not for nothing, but her head resembles that of darth vader's when the mask is removed, only with long hair. but, her body is good. maybe you can get her to wear the vader mask.

By Blogger Lozo, at 10:38 PM  

what? don't you get enough celebrity sightings in NYC? you're gonna move back to Bellport to drool over a model?

maybe you should invite her to be your date at a high school reunion =;-)

By Blogger minijonb, at 11:01 PM  

I don't think you're going to find her in a deli, quite honestly. Maybe smoking outside of one. Jeez...she's a little small. I don't usually care about this sort of thing, but she is a little Moss-y. HIlarious that she's from your town, though.

By Blogger Megarita, at 8:19 AM  

I wonder if her husband's a Bellporter... or if she's friends with Isabella and that's why they're here. Thanks, Dan... I'm going to have to ferret this one out now.

PS - another Bellport celebrity. That woman that played the prison guard on Oz lives here. I used to sell her ice cream all the time. And try not to ask her what simulated sex with the inmates was like. Ahh, good times.

By Blogger Belligerent Sister, at 9:18 AM  

First of all, it's not like I called up the international modelling federation and said, "Hey, move one of your models to this tiny little town called Bellport. Pick one? Sure, um, whatever, Pania Rose." And I'm going to complain about her forehead? That's like turning down a free porche because it's a 2004 model.

And second, part of the reason I write this blog is to get comments like the one above from my sister. The Daily Dump - bring siblings together for over 10 months.

By Blogger the belligerent intellectual, at 10:51 AM  

She does have a bit of a fivehead, but I have my own flaw with this one...

Every time I whisper her name in a fit of passion, I'm gonna think of sandwich bread. Not that "Pania" actually means sandwich bread, but I bet it derives from something close to it.

I'm hungry.

By Blogger Ace Cowboy, at 11:17 AM  

Its been far too long since I visited, working SO hard, which finally paid off.. anyone else out there earn brand new cars at their jobs? How about in 2 months... ya so what I have bragging rights, hahahaah...

Anywho... funny post, as always, I am glad to see that just cause I don't frequent the blogging world, it still continues on... you are one of my favorite belligerent anythings.

By Blogger clothosfate, at 12:09 PM  

oh.. ps, I wouldn't kick her out of bed for eating crackers... just as long as she ate them ALL.

By Blogger clothosfate, at 12:11 PM  

Is it me or is her hair thinning in that second picture? Tom Cruise apparently once lived in Syracuse, where I'm from, but keep that on the down-low I don't want people knowing we're from the same place. Yuck.

By Blogger Hope, at 1:07 PM  

two Beldings, one of which is balding!

By Blogger [Disgrundled], at 1:34 PM  

ace cowboy brings up a good point about her name. while he was thinking of the bread while masturbating to her, i was thinking of kenny bania on seinfeld. either way, it really slows me down.

By Blogger Lozo, at 2:33 PM  

Jesse Spano kissed my cheek and hugged me while we talked about our glory days in musical theatre back in my good old days of buying in Ralph Lauren. She's actually pretty down to earth, she's allowed to be now that she's a Lauren

By Blogger Betty, at 3:03 PM  

Man- she needs some food fast! Her hair is already thinning in front!

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 7:07 PM  

Haha, how hilarious. I knew Pania before she got "discovered". She was a freckly face, unassuming, lanky geek of a girl. Sweet as apple pie though. We share a kind of connection in that I later dated and was briefly engaged to her former "fiance". I have now given the jerk the flick (not a moment too soon). She does need to eat though to return to her pre-modelling figure. It just highlights the pressures the industry places upon these girls. Hooray for panz!

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 11:27 PM  

Funny. Thought u might be interested in the name of research of course but Pania Rose is blogging up a Not Made Up storm over on Modelfeed.com - Her page is at http://modelfeed.com/author/pania/ You can see her ride her 1960s Shwinn bike to an organic farm or watch her self shot videos about feeding Mr Scruffy as well as learning what goes into a Bikini Shoot !

By Blogger Model, at 1:18 AM  

haha that modelfeed.com video of Pania playing the ukulele is way cool. Check her smile towards the end..
http://modelfeed.com/pania-the-musical/

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 1:13 AM  

She looks sexy on that photos, by the way my brother says that she turns him to get Generic Viagra to enjoy it with his girlfriend which is not as beautiful as her.

By Blogger Star, at 1:53 PM  

Hate to break it to you, but she lives in Manhatten - she's got a flat there, as well as the house on Long Island... but good luck in your search - her hubby is ripped - and he might have something to say about the hotel thing!! :)

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 11:14 PM  

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