My friend John, who claims he’s too busy at work to reply to my emails about the contest I won at the NY Sports Club*, forwarded me this the other day.
Apparently it’s not just my mom who has jumped on the organic bandwagon. John Mayer wants it all organic, all the time. Organic nuts, organic toothpaste, organic tea, organic vitamins. Not that I blame him – if someone sat me down and said “Write down a list of things you want someone else to buy you and put in your office,” after the giddy girlie laughing subsided I’d probably need a coffee fueled all nighter to get it all down. I mean, you can’t just say “a couple of cases of water.” You might end up with two cases of CVS brand. You’ve got to say “Four Cases Of Bottled Water – Three Cases Penta (Must Be Found), On Case Fiji – If Penta Water Absolutely Cannot Be Found, All Water Should Be Fuji. Volvic Is Also A Substitution In Lieu Of Fiji (Last Choice Though)”
(My question: who’s the asshole that has to have the one case of Fiji? Penta isn’t good enough for you? I mean, at some point this conversation actually took place:
John Mayer: “I’m going to request four cases of Penta water.”
Some Other Guy: “Nah man, I hate that Penta shit. Get me a case of Fiji.”
John Mayer: “Right on.”
Even on page 7, the “Crew Bus” Rider portion (which is basically the equivalent of sitting at the kids table, with requests like Doritos, white bread and whole milk) there’s still a water stipulation for “no Dasani, Aquafina or Dannon.” I’m calling it: water is the new vodka, you heard it here first.
My other question: If John Mayer is such an organic health nut, what’s he doing with #35? I guess when your average fan base is 14 years old, luring them back to your trailer with bumps of coke just might not work.)
Like I said, I could spend days on this, but if I had to throw out ten right now I think they would be:
1. Cash - $500 in singles.
2. Two blow up sex dolls, one male and one female, both attractive.
3. One space pen – the kind that can write upside down and under water.
4. Three large cheese pizzas, from a reputable pizza parlor, cooled to room temperature. One pizza oven, preheated to appropriate temperature for reheating pizza, because it tastes better this way.
5. A black shoeshine man with insightful tales of adventure. At least one tale must incorporate the shoeshine man being stabbed in a bar fight over a game of cards. Shoeshine man should be from either New Orleans, New York or Memphis. Preferably New Orleans.
6. A framed photograph of myself as a child.
7. Three puppies (no older than two months) for me to choose from to play with. Must be of differing breeds, no mixes allowed. Must not have names as I will be naming them. Must also be cute – not cute like “He’s so funny-looking he’s cute,” but cute in the classical sense of the word.
8. Three packages Scholl’s Massaging Gel shoe inserts provided by Scholl’s employee who will, over the course of the day, periodically ask me if I am gellin', to which I may reply using any copyrighted phrase by Scholl’s such as “I’m gelling like a felon,” or “I’m so gelling I’m Magellan.”
9. A magician (with a mask) trained in the art of illusion as well as classic parlor tricks, including but not limited to the coin behind the hear, the pouring of milk into a hat and the pulling of scarves from one’s mouth.
10. A red phone with a direct line to Wilford Brimley.
I’m not sure how long I would hold out on the last one. I would definitely make sure that the call was made to Wilford. More than anything, I’d just like to see his response to the request. Actually, that’s not true. More than anything I’d just love to call up Wilford Brimley the night of a big show and say something like:
(in a whisper with a commotion in the background) “Wilford! It’s me Dan. Listen, I need some advice. I’ve got a prostitute here and I think she OD’ed on something. Yeah, I don’t know, she was mixing a few different things then she was dancing on the coffee table and just fell off. I think she hit her head too. What should I do?”
* The contest was to come up with your own "New Years Resolution" for these little placards they place around the gym. They all start with, "This year I want to . . ." and you're supposed to finish it with your goal to look and feel better through exercise. My winning suggestion was "This year I want to . . . post more picture of myself on my blog." Needless to say, I was pretty peachy keen on myself for that one. (Rest assured, there is no limit to what I will do to entertain you people.)