The Daily Dump

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Monday, March 6

My Immune System Likes Its Vacation

This time last year, one week ago to the day, my body was consumed with what I have come to refer to as “An Illness for the Ages.” It was the kind of flu that killed people back when Theraflu didn’t exist. And, lo and behold, this weekend it came back again, as though my immune system just realized it had been working an entire 365 days without a break.

Actually, this year it’s not as bad. I’m feeling better already. But this is the most time I’ve spent in a non-lying down position and another episode of “The Cosby Show” is coming on and I’m eager to check in with the Huxtables after Crash’s big win last night. I’ll leave you with the email I wrote this time last year to my friends. If you’re wondering what I felt like last night, this pretty much sums it up:

I would have traded this weekend of my life (and thrown in a conditional future weekend) for a kick in the balls. Basically, Friday evening I am traveling out to queens to play video games and drink beer and by midnight I was embarking on a three day long adventure with a woman who goes by the name “Flu.” And to quote Charlie Sheen from Terminal Velocity: “For a woman I never slept with, you sure fucked me pretty good.”

Fever of 103 every four hours for the past three days. This is the third time I’ve been out of bed for more than 20 seconds. The first time I couldn’t make it to the kitchen without laying down on the couch for 10 minutes before proceeding and the second time I was shitting like it was the “Smart And Final*” company picnic. I’ve watched more episodes of MacGyver (6) than ingested items of food (5); gone through more sweat soaked t-shirts (14) than hours of sleep (12); and questioned the need to go on living (5) more times than I’ve actually felt as thought I were living (2). The horrific ordeal came to a head Saturday night when, laying in a pool of sweat in my bed, huddled and shivering, I passed the time thinking of what I would leave to my friends in my will. It was a comforting thought . . .

TV is the only thing left I have going for me in my life. I have watched: The Cosby Show, Golden Girls, Friends, Seinfeld, Everybody Loves Raymond, Spongebob Squarepants (too sick to change the channel), about 100 episodes of Law And Order (all varieties), and so many random crime shows I don’t even know the names of (the narrator’s voice always lulls me to sleep). Then there’s the movies – so many movies. Not good movies. Let’s just say I can name all the principal characters in “American Kickboxer 1.” Yes, the “1” is really in the name. I guess they were confident in a sequel.

So here I am, finally rising up through that three foot thick layer of shit that separates the healthy from the sick, watching another episode of MacGyver and “Blossom” is in it. She’s like 12 and she’s drinking beer. It’s hilarious. (Do you think she has a regular job now? Like she’s a financial planner or a real estate agent? Did she open a car dealership like a retired NFL player?)

I’m going back to bed now. I am not a God-fearing man, but if any of you are, please tell him that I’m just an ass-backwards kid who never had a break, and that if I am restored to health I will stop committing sins like rubbing up against hot women on the subway, making “smelly person face” when I pass someone on the street who looks smelly, and sleeping with BJ’s girlfriend Ally.

* There is a discount food mega mart in San Diego known as “Smart and Final.” A few years ago when I went out there to visit some friends, we bought food from there for a big barbecue. For the next four days our intestines were in complete revolt, thus spawning the joke: “Smart and Final – there’s nothing smart or final about it.”


Oh, my poor son.

By Blogger belligerent mother, at 3:53 PM  

hmmm. well if you notice a bunch of dead crows in your apartment, it's likely you have west nile virus. or if you were perhaps in a swamp recently with a nigerian hooker, it's more than likely sexually transmitted malaria. either way, what you need is quinine, which, fortunately, can be found in most energy drinks these days.

By Blogger ducklet, at 3:56 PM  

Blossom is taking a break from pursuing her PhD in neuroscience at UCLA because she just had a baby. I can't believe you don't know that.

By Anonymous Leah, at 4:59 PM  

you spend your friday nights playing video games?

By Blogger Lozo, at 6:26 PM  

i hope you feel better/beligerent soon. and what a great shout out to my city... "san diego, it really is the shit"

By Anonymous shawna, at 7:11 PM  

Dude, you need TiVo. Bad. Golden Girls? The hell you say. There is no flu that could reduce me to that.

By Blogger karla, at 8:54 PM  

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