The American Medical Association released a survey today stating that 83 percent of college women and graduates said spring break involves heavier-than-usual drinking, while the remaining 17% said, “Heavy drinking is the only kind of drinking I do, whooo!”
Moreover, 74 percent said the break results in increased sexual activity, with the remaining 26% saying . . . OK, this is too easy, I can’t even pick one. But you get the point. The AMA released a survey about spring break, the title of which should have been “NA DUH!: Spring Break Involves Booze, Sex.” I went on four spring break trips in my four years at college and anyone who went on one knows what Spring Break is about (you can almost hear my mother getting nervous reading this).
In the interest of full disclosure, I never had sex on Spring Break. (At least I’m pretty sure I didn’t, but who knows I was so drunk, whooo!) It’s not that I never had the opportunity. Plenty of times I walked past girls passed out in hotel hallways, in elevators, in bathrooms, in their bedroom while they slept with the window open wide enough for a grown man to fit through.
But I was brought up right – I was brought up by a mother whose “sex talk” consisted of screaming at me while I left the house for a date, “Don’t get anyone in trouble!” Later on in life I would come to appreciate the broad ranging scope of the message: don’t get a girl pregnant, don’t get yourself an STD, don’t get caught with an unconscious body in your arms, etc. Which is why, four years later when I was at a foam party in Panama Beach, FL and I saw a girl vomit in the corner and then ask me if I could get her a drink, I knew that this was most likely “the trouble” my mother was warning me about.
The truth of the matter is, you don’t have to have sex on Spring Break to have fun. You only have to get so drunk you vomit. I mean, I’m sure it doesn’t hurt, it’s not like if I had had sex on Spring Break I would have woken up the next day and said, “I ruined everything, I had sex, I’m going home.” But there is a decent chance I would have woken up and said, “Boy my crotch really itches.” Which makes any trip less enjoyable.
With that in mind, here’s a stroll down memory lane at my Top Five Spring Break Memories:
#5 Spring Break Southeast Tour, my friend BJ and I visit six different cities in 12 days. We stay at our second destination, New Orleans, for two days. After the second straight day of rain we buy a flask of vodka, sit on the curb underneath a store’s awning and say, “You want to blow this joint?” On a whim, we drive to Miami where I have relatives I haven’t seen in 10 years. However, when plotting the course from New Orleans to Miami we forget to factor in Alabama. Besieged by fatigue we pull into a park and ride, take shots of Codeine cough medicine, recline our seats in my Saturn and prepare to sleep. A cop comes by and tells us we can’t sleep there, so after two doped up laps around the parking lot the cop leaves and we go back to sleep. The next morning, we put our seats in the upright position and finish the drive to Miami.
#4 Spring Break Daytona Beach, me and five of my friends take a day trip to Disney World. My friend BJ pretend to be recovering from knee surgery to get a wheelchair. Said wheelchair gets us to the head of every line for every ride. At one point, my friend Scott rolls BJ into the men’s room, and when then come out Scott is in the wheelchair with BJ pushing him. Scott is wearing BJ’s hat to disguise the fact that they switched places. Later on Scott makes a scene amidst a crowd by saying he wants to go on Pirates of the Caribbean instead of Space Mountain and BJ yells at him, “You’re in a wheelchair, how far do you think you can go without me? You’ll go where we want to go, now stop ruining the trip for everyone.” Then BJ rolls Scott down a hill and screams after him, “You’re free, Scott! You’re free!”
#3 Spring Break Daytona Beach, we meet a group of kind, trusting Midwestern girls who come to our condo for some drinks. They forget their video camera when they leave, so we record a segment entitled “Ballsy McNichols,” staring my friend’s scrotum propped up on the edge of a table with sunglasses and a cigarette. Ballsy spouts such gems as: (in a Brooklyn accent) “You know, da balls, dey get no love. Everyone’s always all “Shaft dis” and “Shaft dat.” But me? I’m the one doin all the work.” The girls eventually mail the tape back to us in New York along with a 20 minute long recorded “We miss you” segment. Regrettably, none of their skits involve nudity.
#2 Spring Break New Orleans, two of my friends decide they want to get tattoos. Jerry and I make it to the tattoo parlor first and Jerry starts flipping through the books to pick one out. He eventually stops on a page and says, “That’s the one I want.” He shows it to me and, stifling my laughter, I look at the pair of hearts with wings and say, straight-faced, “It’s awesome.” Jerry proceeds to get the gayest tattoo ever on his arm. Later in life, Jerry outgays himself, perhaps thinking that an even gayer tattoo would offset the first one. He gets The Auryn from The Neverending Story tattooed on his other arm. In case you forgot from your childhood, The Auryn is the Childlike Empress's golden amulet that Atreyu wore during his quest to save Fantasia. We don’t talk to Jerry anymore.
#1 Spring Break Panama City, something so unspeakable happens that of the few things I cannot write about here this is one of them. Basically we were at the aforementioned foam party, and two friends were dancing with the same girl, and Christ even thinking about it now I’m laughing hysterically. “Look into my eyes . . .” OK, this is too much. I’m dying here. But if nothing else, it’s incentive for all of you to take me out and get me drunk so I’ll tell the story.
Anyway, for more Spring Break fun, check out iTunes new “Spring Break 101” playlist, also known as the “bad music to get drunk to” playlist. I’m just kidding, I didn’t even look it over. But come on, if you can’t put together your own Spring Break playlists you’re obviously not that dedicated to debauchery YOUR way. And I just can’t respect that.