The Daily Dump

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Wednesday, March 8

“Spring Break: Calcutta” Just Doesn’t Have That Ring To It

The American Medical Association released a survey today stating that 83 percent of college women and graduates said spring break involves heavier-than-usual drinking, while the remaining 17% said, “Heavy drinking is the only kind of drinking I do, whooo!”

Moreover, 74 percent said the break results in increased sexual activity, with the remaining 26% saying . . . OK, this is too easy, I can’t even pick one. But you get the point. The AMA released a survey about spring break, the title of which should have been “NA DUH!: Spring Break Involves Booze, Sex.” I went on four spring break trips in my four years at college and anyone who went on one knows what Spring Break is about (you can almost hear my mother getting nervous reading this).

In the interest of full disclosure, I never had sex on Spring Break. (At least I’m pretty sure I didn’t, but who knows I was so drunk, whooo!) It’s not that I never had the opportunity. Plenty of times I walked past girls passed out in hotel hallways, in elevators, in bathrooms, in their bedroom while they slept with the window open wide enough for a grown man to fit through.

But I was brought up right – I was brought up by a mother whose “sex talk” consisted of screaming at me while I left the house for a date, “Don’t get anyone in trouble!” Later on in life I would come to appreciate the broad ranging scope of the message: don’t get a girl pregnant, don’t get yourself an STD, don’t get caught with an unconscious body in your arms, etc. Which is why, four years later when I was at a foam party in Panama Beach, FL and I saw a girl vomit in the corner and then ask me if I could get her a drink, I knew that this was most likely “the trouble” my mother was warning me about.

The truth of the matter is, you don’t have to have sex on Spring Break to have fun. You only have to get so drunk you vomit. I mean, I’m sure it doesn’t hurt, it’s not like if I had had sex on Spring Break I would have woken up the next day and said, “I ruined everything, I had sex, I’m going home.” But there is a decent chance I would have woken up and said, “Boy my crotch really itches.” Which makes any trip less enjoyable.

With that in mind, here’s a stroll down memory lane at my Top Five Spring Break Memories:

#5 Spring Break Southeast Tour, my friend BJ and I visit six different cities in 12 days. We stay at our second destination, New Orleans, for two days. After the second straight day of rain we buy a flask of vodka, sit on the curb underneath a store’s awning and say, “You want to blow this joint?” On a whim, we drive to Miami where I have relatives I haven’t seen in 10 years. However, when plotting the course from New Orleans to Miami we forget to factor in Alabama. Besieged by fatigue we pull into a park and ride, take shots of Codeine cough medicine, recline our seats in my Saturn and prepare to sleep. A cop comes by and tells us we can’t sleep there, so after two doped up laps around the parking lot the cop leaves and we go back to sleep. The next morning, we put our seats in the upright position and finish the drive to Miami.

#4 Spring Break Daytona Beach, me and five of my friends take a day trip to Disney World. My friend BJ pretend to be recovering from knee surgery to get a wheelchair. Said wheelchair gets us to the head of every line for every ride. At one point, my friend Scott rolls BJ into the men’s room, and when then come out Scott is in the wheelchair with BJ pushing him. Scott is wearing BJ’s hat to disguise the fact that they switched places. Later on Scott makes a scene amidst a crowd by saying he wants to go on Pirates of the Caribbean instead of Space Mountain and BJ yells at him, “You’re in a wheelchair, how far do you think you can go without me? You’ll go where we want to go, now stop ruining the trip for everyone.” Then BJ rolls Scott down a hill and screams after him, “You’re free, Scott! You’re free!”

#3 Spring Break Daytona Beach, we meet a group of kind, trusting Midwestern girls who come to our condo for some drinks. They forget their video camera when they leave, so we record a segment entitled “Ballsy McNichols,” staring my friend’s scrotum propped up on the edge of a table with sunglasses and a cigarette. Ballsy spouts such gems as: (in a Brooklyn accent) “You know, da balls, dey get no love. Everyone’s always all “Shaft dis” and “Shaft dat.” But me? I’m the one doin all the work.” The girls eventually mail the tape back to us in New York along with a 20 minute long recorded “We miss you” segment. Regrettably, none of their skits involve nudity.

#2 Spring Break New Orleans, two of my friends decide they want to get tattoos. Jerry and I make it to the tattoo parlor first and Jerry starts flipping through the books to pick one out. He eventually stops on a page and says, “That’s the one I want.” He shows it to me and, stifling my laughter, I look at the pair of hearts with wings and say, straight-faced, “It’s awesome.” Jerry proceeds to get the gayest tattoo ever on his arm. Later in life, Jerry outgays himself, perhaps thinking that an even gayer tattoo would offset the first one. He gets The Auryn from The Neverending Story tattooed on his other arm. In case you forgot from your childhood, The Auryn is the Childlike Empress's golden amulet that Atreyu wore during his quest to save Fantasia. We don’t talk to Jerry anymore.

#1 Spring Break Panama City, something so unspeakable happens that of the few things I cannot write about here this is one of them. Basically we were at the aforementioned foam party, and two friends were dancing with the same girl, and Christ even thinking about it now I’m laughing hysterically. “Look into my eyes . . .” OK, this is too much. I’m dying here. But if nothing else, it’s incentive for all of you to take me out and get me drunk so I’ll tell the story.

Anyway, for more Spring Break fun, check out iTunes new “Spring Break 101” playlist, also known as the “bad music to get drunk to” playlist. I’m just kidding, I didn’t even look it over. But come on, if you can’t put together your own Spring Break playlists you’re obviously not that dedicated to debauchery YOUR way. And I just can’t respect that.


when i graduated from high school, we did the same wheelchair at disney world thing. it was awesome.

By Blogger kat, at 1:53 PM  

I really, REALLY want to comment on #3........

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 2:15 PM  

The New Orleans trips are always memorable, aren't they...

By Blogger Momentary Academic, at 2:20 PM  

If they only knew. What happens in the foam stays in the foam...well some of it ended up on someone's shorts. But the rest stayed in the foam.

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 2:55 PM  

Wheelchair hilarity is the best hilarity.

By Blogger The Bourbon Samurai, at 3:42 PM  

ok. I'm not leaving until you tell the panama city foam party story.

not. leaving.

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 3:43 PM  

What about the shoe shine guy in New Orleans - Who you met again years later? I love that one.

By Blogger Belligerent Sister, at 4:03 PM  

Funny, funny stuff.

By Blogger RoarSavage, at 4:17 PM  

Blah. These pale in comparison to my spring breaks. The best was Spring Break 1999 - Albany where Erin and I were kicked out of a minimum of 3 bars per night for being underage and at least 2 per night for "belligerent bahavior". I think most of our time was spent chugging beer while driving around in Erin's mom's Subaru taking pictures of ourselves at every stop light.

By Blogger T.G., at 4:47 PM  

Spring Break #1 - Tickets to Florida. Got a hernia, couldn't go. Had surgery instead.

Spring Break #2 - Rocked Cleveland.

Spring Break #3 - Drove to Florida, went to Disney World, not the beach. Friend didn't want to go out at night. Stopped speaking to friend when we got back.

Spring Break #4 - Rocked Baltimore.

Sum Experience of Spring Breaks - no booze, no sex, I should get some sort of do-over.

oh, and re: #1 --- Tease.

By Blogger MonkeyPants, at 5:16 PM  

1. Damn, you are HOT! I always forget until I see a comment from you.

2. The biggest regret of my college life was that I never went to any of those places during spring break. I still want to, but then I'd be the weird slightly older chick that's mostly out of place.

By Blogger Anonymous Midwest Girl, at 5:37 PM  

Can #1 be written up and sent via email to those of us who are likely to lose sleep if we don't hear the story? Hope so.


By Anonymous Simon, at 7:10 PM  

Spring Break is the greatest contribution to American Culture since the constitution. THE GREATEST

Dan, two pitchers for story #1. Although I think I can guess. Panama City blows, by the way.

By Blogger White Dade, at 7:17 PM  

Damn, I wish we had Spring Break in Oz! Sounds like a ball... and i've ALWAYS wanted to go to a Foam Party!

By Blogger auburn, at 7:40 PM  

Those were hilarious. I'm curious about spring break #1, but the rest will do quite fine

By Blogger Snooze, at 9:13 PM  

Foam parties are pretty lame after you turn 21... just my opinion.

But this is coming from someone who still thinks balls and skits about balls are hilarious, so I can't really judge.

I still want to hear story #1 though.

I rocked Puerto Rico and the Bahamas for my 2 most memorable spring breaks. I miss college.

By Blogger Erin Mc, at 9:54 PM  

Okay, Ballsy McNichols is the funniest thing ever.

By Blogger Marit, at 9:57 PM  

Because I want to feel loved...I was the voice of Ballsy. And I have to say i almost vomited while making the skit. Not because of the sack that I was mouthing a voice over for, But because when we placed the ciggy on it, suddenly a little wrinkle apeared like a perfect smile, and the ciggy rested right on its "bottom lip." Even better was years later my younger brother finding the tape and yelling from the TV room, "What's ballsy McMickles?!" While I am having dinner with my parents in my apartment.

By Blogger de Kooning's Spleen, at 10:58 PM  

nobody wanted to go for the easy "scott free" joke in #4? i have no pride: sounds like he got away SCOTT FREE! hahahahaaa... ahem.

also, balls. hah!

By Blogger shirley, at 11:33 PM  

Having come from Saskatchewan, where spring break, prom and whatever else is totally fictional, and only seen on American TV, this is totally out of my commenting abilities.

However, I'm pretty sure I could drink any bikini clad, scrotum puppeteer under the table.


By Anonymous abigailroad, at 3:44 AM  

I'm trying to figure out how the scrotum wore a hat and smoked a cigarette. Your friend and his scrotum should take that show on the road. I mean, I've done some amazing things with my ball bag in my day, but . . .

By Blogger Dr. Kenneth Noisewater, at 9:21 AM  

Spring Break Playlist:

1) "Rumpshaker" by Wrexx N Effexx
2) "What is Love?" by Haddaway
3) "Knockin' Boots" by Candyman
4) "I Saw the Sign" by Ace of Base
5) "Who Let the Dogs Out" by Baha Men
6) *miscellaneous reggaeton*
7) "Everybody Dance Now" by C & C Music Factory
8) "Ain't to Proud to Beg" by Salt n Pepa
9) "Finally" by CeCe Peniston

I haven't ever been to Spring Break or any of those "foam parties" of which you speak, but it seems like this would be the type of music that be thumpin'.

By Blogger dancing at gunpoint, at 5:26 PM  

I lived most spring breaks vicariously through the MTV spring breakers!

By Blogger Laurie (aka buggy), at 1:37 AM  

I have vague memories of my spring break in New Orleans that involve drive-thru hurricane stands, the world's largest honky-tonk, and my friend's mom feeding me so much I wanted to die. Oh, plus, Momentary Academic having to read an entire novel out loud to our friend who was driving the car because said friend had to write a paper on it when we returned to school. Good times, good times.

By Blogger RetroDragon, at 8:44 AM  

It's all true. I think that I just got my voice back.

By Blogger Momentary Academic, at 9:00 AM  

I went to Canada for spring break for some reason. I liked being really cold while everyone else and their mother was prancing around half naked on the beach. This was mostly because I so young compared to the other people on the trip and they were being nice so I could drink.

I also lost an internship because I told the lady interviewing me that the only reason I was going to Canada was to gamble and drink. Probably not wise considering it was a cancer foundation.

By Blogger Julie_Gong, at 9:43 AM  

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

By Blogger Julie_Gong, at 9:43 AM  

Ah yes, Spring Break on the Redneck Riviera! -good times, good times...

By Anonymous Miss Lil's, at 11:09 AM  

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