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Wednesday, April 19

In Tribute To Tom And Katie, Some Completely Fictional Stories Of Births From The Past 60 Years


In 1968, a woman residing in a small town outside Chicago gave birth to three babies and a kitten, although the kitten had to be put down after repeatedly clawing at its siblings while vying for their mother’s affection. The family later acquired a cat as a domestic pet, but it just wasn’t the same.

During the Great Depression, it was common for families to send their children away to the country. In one astounding tale, a mother, racked with poverty in New York City, gave birth to a baby girl and immediately gave her away to a family from Pennsylvania. That child grew up to have a child of her own, who also grew up to have a child of her own, and it was this child that was eventually diagnosed with clinical depression. Ironically, her name was Irony.

In the only documented case of its kind, in 1981 a woman from Oregon reportedly gave birth to a baby boy who spoke in full sentences immediately upon delivery. The boy’s first words were, “That was really gross.” The mother, so scorned by this historic act of ungratefulness, has given her son the silent treatment to this day. It was the only punishment she saw fit.

Every Christmas the small village where I grew up sets up a large nativity scene in the middle of town. A few years ago on Christmas night a couple from out of town were out for a stroll when the woman went into labor right in front of the nativity scene. The husband set her down in the manger and used some of the stray to make her comfortable. There was a full moon shining down on the scene and a light snow surrounded them. Just then a security guard came by and called an ambulance and the woman was taken to the local hospital.

The circus has always been a fertile and erotic forum. Certainly that was the case when, in 1955, the World Famous Bearded Lady was impregnated by The World’s Smallest Man. Their daughter, who went on to become Miss World in 1978, hated the circus.

It is common in China, where a family can only have one child, for baby girls to be given away in lieu of wanting a son instead. In one terrific instance of this brutal tradition, a couple gave birth to what they thought was a girl and promptly gave the child away. Later, they found out that their child had actually suffered from a rare hermaphroditic condition. So while the child had the outward appearance of a woman, he was living his life as a man. The couple did not ask for him back.

And finally, in 1995 a couple from Seattle, Washington gave birth to quadruplet boys who, it turns out, were all musical geniuses and formed a grunge band in their infancy. Unfortunately grunge wasn’t in anymore and the children were forced directly into substance abuse problems. Their parents tried again in 1998, hoping to birth a boy band. Instead, they had a lone girl. All she did was cry and spit up. The parents, racked with disappointment, have tried repeatedly to donate her to science, though it seems that science won’t have her either.

11 Comments:

What sort of wild stories do you imagine will be told of Tom and Katie's child?

Around the lunch table today, the ofice ladies spoke of him munching on the placenta. How gross is that?!

By Blogger Kelly, at 2:25 PM  

ahhh the TomKitten... lord...

Loved the stories... thank you for momentarily getting my mind of off the tragedy that is Tom.

By Blogger ocg, at 4:19 PM  

Why must we be tortured with Tom Cruise and his offspring? Why God? Why?

By Blogger Momentary Academic, at 4:23 PM  

I don't know how I feel about the whole thing, to be honest. I mean, yeah Tom Cruise is crazy. Flat-out, bat shit crazy. But Katie has always been so cute, so harmless. And, beyond that, it's a BABY we're talking about! An innocent victim in all this. If anything, I think we should be promoting the "it takes a village to raise a child" thing. Sure, the placenta had no chance; but maybe a village can save Suri. Or maybe there's still a chance for me and Joey Potter . . .

By Blogger the belligerent intellectual, at 4:49 PM  

Do you really still want Katie Holmes after all of this? Unless her robot insides can be reprogrammed, she may be lost forever.

(Also, see the second picture here to decide:
http://www.thesuperficial.com/archives/2006/04/17/katie_holmes_still_really_preg.html)

By Blogger mysterygirl!, at 5:01 PM  

I refuse to believe that she is no longer pretty on the inside or out. Right now, she just has the face of a woman who is overwhelmed by her circumstances. It'll go back to normal once we're together in my small one bedroom apartment, drinking Brita water and watching "Dawson's Creek" Season 4 on DVD.

By Blogger the belligerent intellectual, at 5:09 PM  

But as an aside, the Kelly Clarkson photos from today BLEW MY MIND! What an . . . unfortunate turn of events.

By Blogger the belligerent intellectual, at 5:11 PM  

Despite the creepiness of these stories, I'm sure that there are a few factual ones in there, whether you know it or not. People are funny.

Tom and Katie? Frankly my dear, I don't give a damn.

By Blogger Janet, at 2:40 AM  

Loved the stories.

With Tom as a father, I fear for Suri's sanity...

By Blogger erinyes, at 7:02 AM  

So where's the made up story of Katie's silent birth? I thought maybe you were going to end the post with that, but I guess there doesn't need to be a made up story because it's already crazy enough.

And I had already heard about Tom saying he would eat the placenta, but Kelly's wording in her comment about "munching on placenta," TOTALLY grossed me out.

By Blogger Hope, at 10:44 AM  

Tom is satan. Katie will realize this in six years, six months and six days and will leave him. He will film MI:VI and no one will watch. I will laugh, villainously. I know because I am psychic. (P.S. visit me: http://yeoldeblogshoppe.eponym.com/blog

By Blogger Leezer, at 11:28 AM  

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