The Daily Dump

A place where everyone (me) is welcomed to express their opinions openly and honestly. I encourage free thinking, free wheeling, off-the-cuff banter and monetary donations.

Monday, April 10

Justice Is A Dish Best Served On A Hero. Me.


Just when I was about to illegally divulge the details of my ongoing trial, risk GOING TO JAIL all to be a trailblazing journalist who thinks that a blogger has the right to pontificate on the goings-on of the deliberations of 12 men and women determining the future of one mugger (I’m sorry, alleged future of one mugger), just then! . . . the case comes to an end and now I’m legally (read: boringly) allowed to discuss any and all events that took place. In other words, it’s just not that exciting anymore.

But know that New York is safer because of the work I’ve done, that there is one less mugger at the 116th Street subway station, bringing the revised grand total to approximately 2,999. And know that I was a crucial part in the deliberations, the one sitting at the end of the table opposite the one guy who was “iffy” on the evidence, staring at him with that look on my face that says, “You’re not cool unless you vote guilty.”

Actually, just in case anyone from my jury reads this, I want to make it clear that I was on an awesome jury. We covered every age group, almost every race and definitely every range on the sense of humor scale (Me: “So we should all hang out again sometime.” Old woman across from me: “Huh?”); and yet we got along famously and shared just about as many laughs as we did legal barbs. Thank you, Jury for Part 39, for being so awesome.

And for you all, a few things the experience taught me:

If you’re going to mug someone while wearing a fluorescent orange jersey, change your clothes after you are done. It makes you “less recognizable” when you fall asleep on a park bench three blocks away.

If you find yourself acting as defense counsel for a crack addict, and the assistant district attorney makes no mention of your client being a crack addict, don’t voluntarily ask a police officer during cross examination, “And isn’t it true that you found a crack pipe with significant residue on my client?” Unless, of course, what you’re trying to do is get a room full of 12 people swapping crack addict stories.

If you find yourself on jury duty, during the day of deliberations hold out until approximately 12:50, even if you have a verdict. By that time the court has already ordered lunch for you, meaning that you can take it “to go” after you condemn a man to prison.

Again, if you are going to mug someone, and you plan on using your fingers underneath your shirt to make it seem as though you have a gun, you may as well actually have a gun because it’s first degree robbery either way. At least if you actually have the gun you can, you know, shoot someone if you have to.

And finally, if you get the chance to partake in jury duty, you really should do it. It’s a surprisingly interesting experience and really very empowering, which, if your life (and girlfriend) is anything like mine, is a rare sensation. Plus the next time you’re watching “Law & Order” with your friends, you can impress them by saying things like, “Voir dire is sooo passé. And they never get the rules of evidence right on these shows! Gawd.”

20 Comments:

"It’s a surprisingly interesting experience and really very empowering, which, if your life (and girlfriend) is anything like mine, is a rare sensation."

FUCK YOU.

By Blogger T.G., at 3:22 PM  

Umm.. I think I had something witty to say, but there's just no following TG's comment on this one.

By Blogger Belligerent Sister, at 3:31 PM  

probably just the pills talking...

By Blogger jakezebra, at 3:48 PM  

You had better keep you witty comment to yourself and go buy a big bouquet of flowers, beg for forgiveness and cook a great dinner. I know this from experience.

By Blogger belligerent mother, at 4:09 PM  

Was the lunch any good?

By Blogger Janet, at 4:14 PM  

I think there was a misunderstanding wherein The Girlfriend thought I was calling her uninteresting, not overpowering, as I intended it to read. I would never call TG uninteresting. In fact, she is so interesting that she is the only person in the known world who can interrupt me in the middle of a telelvisison show to have a "conversation" and have me actually pay attention for the entire duration of the talk.

And the meal was good, and hilarious to boot. All they did to order the food was pass around a sign-up sheet where you wrote in what you want. So the first person wrote in they wanted a turkey sandwich and everyone else, not wanting to be "difficult" followed suit. I can't imagine what the deli guy was thinking when an order for 14 turkey sandwiches was called in . . .

By Blogger the belligerent intellectual, at 4:36 PM  

I'm not sure which I'm laughing at more... A) You asking everyone to hang out again, or B) Knowing that if I am ever allegedly mugged by someone with a "gun" under their shirt, I am totally going to ask to see it before I fork over my purse.

By Blogger undercover celebrity, at 4:54 PM  

how many more readers do you have now that you were linked to on Gawker?

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 5:20 PM  

That lunch tip is perhaps the most valuable piece of information I have gotten this year. Because if there is one tihng I"m all about, it's getting as much free chow as possible.

By Blogger White Dade, at 5:42 PM  

The attorney brought up that he's a crack addict?! And...ahem... you’re trying to get a room full of 12 people swapping crack addict stories... so what's your crack story...??

By Blogger lena, at 5:48 PM  

So. Are you going to hang out with the jury members again?

By Blogger Momentary Academic, at 7:33 AM  

Oh, I remember what it was now...

"... 12 men and women determining the future of one mugger (I’m sorry, alleged future of one mugger)"

It's the future of one ALLEGED MUGGER, unless of course it's his future that's in question. Please tell me you're doing this on purpose...

By Blogger Belligerent Sister, at 8:06 AM  

Sounds like an interesting experience! One of these days I'm gonna have to try it (being on a Jury that is...)

By Blogger Audrey, at 11:24 AM  

I was eating a pizza walking down the street. He was a quick one, but I got him.

By Blogger [Disgrundled], at 1:15 PM  

The Belligerent Sister seems to be questioning the wit and intelligence of the Belligerent Intellectual in these last two posts. (I'm sure she loves him all the same...:)

I can assure her that (a) at least one person (i.e. moi) finds him very funny, and (b) gets the fact that he's making a joke when he puts the word "alleged" in front of the so-called "wrong" word in those sentences. I think it was clear to him, as well as everyone in his jury (except for the guy across the table from him that might've been slightly "'iffy' on the evidence") that the mugger was, in fact, guilty. Hence the joke.

Funny...get it? (I laughed both times. Honestly.)

By Blogger Faith, at 3:35 PM  

'If you find yourself acting as defense counsel for a crack addict, and the assistant district attorney makes no mention of your client being a crack addict, don’t voluntarily ask a police officer during cross examination, “And isn’t it true that you found a crack pipe with significant residue on my client?” Unless, of course, what you’re trying to do is get a room full of 12 people swapping crack addict stories.'

The old "My client was waaaayyy too high to have possibly committed that crime defense. Brilliant!

I saw some show some time, about the rodney king riots. It was hysterical to me. It was a videotaped incident where a bunch of big black guys ran screaming at this car where some doofus was videotaping him. They rough him up a bit after pulling him from the car, which in itself was prtty funny just because he was so petrified and dorky, but was not a big deal probably. Then they leave...leaving behind the camera that just filmed them doing this. An hour later they all get caught - two blocks away, outside, wearing the same clothes, all playing touch football...!

By Blogger Mister Underhill, at 3:46 PM  

Crack addict or not, I'd seriously like to see what was going on in this guy's head when he fell asleep on a park bench after mugging someone. That's hilarious.

I don't know if I could ever be on jury duty because I'd just want to stand up and shout, "What were you thinking??? No, seriously, what was going through your head?!?!"

By Blogger Hope, at 3:54 PM  

That's hilarious-- it makes me want to be on a jury. And note to self: don't wear neon orange jersey while committing crimes. Okay, I think I've got it.

Oh, and I was just kidding you about the movie reference- it's not like I invented 12 Angry Men or anything.

By Blogger mysterygirl!, at 4:19 PM  

I knew that crack about the Girlfriend was going to get you in trouble.

I like how your jury was like the bus on "Speed." To paraphrase Janeane Garofalo, you throw an eskimo and a Native American in full tribal wear into the mix, and you've got yourself a movie

By Blogger RetroDragon, at 4:42 PM  

About that last sentence... L&O gets evidence rules right surpringly often. So don't be ragging on L&O. It's other "cops" shows that are lame.

By Blogger Dennis!, at 4:13 PM  

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