I know I ate a little too much while I was up in Boston this weekend, but it was a vacation and that’s what people do on vacations. They go to IHOP and strategically order their meal so as to get the hash browns and toast included with their eggs while swiping the free side order of pancakes from their girlfriend’s mother because the omelet is more than enough for her. Maybe you’d be happier if I wept over my fresh fruit platter while watching the person across from me eat their stuffed French toast, but that’s not how I roll. Carpe ientaculum. Oh, you don’t know what that means? It’s Latin for “Seize the breakfast.” Maybe people who live in dumb houses shouldn’t call people fat.
Also, please take me off your email list. I have no reason to be on it since I didn’t win the Ultimate Escape For Two to Hawaii. Maybe it’s because I have a penis. Maybe it’s because I’m fat. Or maybe it’s just because your magazine’s fashion advice is more outdated than Wilson Phillips. (That’s right, I went there.)