The Daily Dump

A place where everyone (me) is welcomed to express their opinions openly and honestly. I encourage free thinking, free wheeling, off-the-cuff banter and monetary donations.

Monday, April 24

Monday Morning Emails: Allure Thinks I’m Fat


I know I ate a little too much while I was up in Boston this weekend, but it was a vacation and that’s what people do on vacations. They go to IHOP and strategically order their meal so as to get the hash browns and toast included with their eggs while swiping the free side order of pancakes from their girlfriend’s mother because the omelet is more than enough for her. Maybe you’d be happier if I wept over my fresh fruit platter while watching the person across from me eat their stuffed French toast, but that’s not how I roll. Carpe ientaculum. Oh, you don’t know what that means? It’s Latin for “Seize the breakfast.” Maybe people who live in dumb houses shouldn’t call people fat.

Also, please take me off your email list. I have no reason to be on it since I didn’t win the Ultimate Escape For Two to Hawaii. Maybe it’s because I have a penis. Maybe it’s because I’m fat. Or maybe it’s just because your magazine’s fashion advice is more outdated than Wilson Phillips. (That’s right, I went there.)

12 Comments:

Wilson Phillips? Whatever happened to them? Isn't China Phillips married to a Baldwin? Why do I know this?

Don't feel bad about receiving the e-mail. The only human beings alive whose legs do not touch at any point when the feet are together are Allure models. THEY should have the stuffed french toast.

By Blogger Leezer, at 3:26 PM  

"Or maybe it’s just because your magazine’s fashion advice is more outdated than Wilson Phillips."

Speak for yourself, jackass. "Hold On" is the only thing that gets me out of bed every morning.

By Blogger spinachdip, at 4:33 PM  

What are you complaining about Dan? That weight-loss program looks sure-fire. And you'd be the only guy besides the instructor (and my guess is that he's gay.)

By Blogger Janet, at 5:01 PM  

Yeah, maybe they just wanted to invite you to watch their Supermodel Camouflage Bikini Bootcamp. How could you turn that down? First exercise: jumping jacks!

By Blogger mysterygirl!, at 5:30 PM  

Boot camp is a great idea. However, boot camp in a camoflauge tank tops, underwear, and sandals is an even better idea.

It reminds me of the fat lady that was in my step class last week wearing sandals and socks. She made it all but 10 minutes in the class. Seriously though, I give her props and everything for being there, but COME ON, wear some fucking cross trainers or something.

(Wait, is that how you spell camoflauge? It looks like the fancy French way to spell camofaluge...which is fitting given the context.)

By Blogger Jenni, at 5:43 PM  

hahaha. dumb houses.

PS. my code word for posting was "nkdede" which incidentally looks like the word NAKED or the slang version, NEKKED. just saying. it's weird, ya know?

By Blogger kristine, at 5:45 PM  

Simon and I heard Wilson Phillips being played in a hardware store this weekend. If that doesn't scream au courant, I don't know what does.

By Anonymous Leah, at 6:31 PM  

The idea of spinachdip waking up in the morning, rolling over and gently sobbing before hearing, "Don't you know, things'll change, things'll go your way, if you hooold on for one more day . . ." well that just brings a huge smile to my face.

As does camoflague bikini boot camp. Yes, I spelled camoflague differently, just so we could all be unique.

By Blogger the belligerent intellectual, at 7:57 PM  

seize the breakfast...i love it! hope you don't mind i'll be using "dumb houses" in the future.

By Blogger Helena, at 6:10 AM  

You're not fat, you're just big boned. :)

By Blogger Carolyn, at 9:08 AM  

Do you know the words to "Hold On" by heart or did you have to look them up? What's next? Amy Grant?

By Blogger Libby Mae Brown, at 10:34 AM  

Not knowing the words to Hold On is un-American. What are you, libby mae brown, some sort of Commie?

By Blogger Ace Cowboy, at 10:53 AM  

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