The Daily Dump

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Monday, April 17

My Boring Life

I am consistently amazed that I manage to make my life sound interesting in this blog. It’s been almost a year now and somehow, through the magic of colorful language and lies, I have retained a somewhat captive audience while writing about what I do, which isn’t much different than what I did before I wrote a blog, which was nothing. Except now I write about it.

I was all set to have an exciting holiday weekend and come back here weaving tales of debauchery, adventure, cooking and robbery. Then I settled down in my apartment last night, absolutely exhausted, and realized that I had done nothing of consequence. Now that I think about it, my expectations were a little high considering it was Easter weekend, which on the scale of “Awesome Sexy Holidays!” ranks somewhere above Veteran’s Day and below Secretary’s Day.

[As an aside, is there any holiday that degrades more with age than Easter does? It seems that while other children’s holidays make a simple transition into mature holidays (Halloween: trick or treating à getting laid, Valentine’s Day: secret admirers à getting laid, Christmas: Santa Clause à buying expensive presents for people so they’ll love you) Easter goes from painting eggs and the Easter Bunny to brunch with your parents. Not that I’m complaining about brunch. But minus the sex and presents brunch isn’t exactly “Dear Diary” worthy.]

What Easter should be about.

Upon further contemplation, though, I realized that boring isn’t always bad. I mean, that OJ Simpson car chase seemed pretty exciting, right? But then he got framed for murdering his wife and her lover, so that’s not the good kind of exciting. Much like that, my weekend wasn’t the bad kind of boring. In fact, when I compare it with some other people’s more exciting weekends, I’m pretty sure I’d choose mine every time. To wit:

My Weekend (Boring)

The Girlfriend and I went out to dinner on Friday night with another couple. Two bottles of wine and the pasta was good. We finished around 10:30 and any thought of continuing the night somewhere else was dashed by the time we stepped outside. I was in bed by 11:30 after watching half an hour of Titanic.

Saturday The Girlfriend and I hitched a ride out to my parents house on Long Island. The Girlfriend got her haircut by a gay man who, months earlier, had checked me out when I went to pick up my mother after her appointment.

Some friends come over for a barbecue. We gossip, eat a filthy amount of meat and drink Rob Roys. At one point my mother recounts the story of the gay hairdresser checking me out. As everyone is laughing, I take it a bit too far and, to the horror of my father standing adjacent to me, slap my own ass and proclaim “I still got it!” The night goes downhill from there and everyone is on their way home by 10:00.

Sunday morning I go to brunch with my family, catch a train back to the city and finish off the day by cleaning my bathroom. I pause while scrubbing the toilet to look wistfully into space to consider my good fortune.

How did I get so lucky?

A Friend’s Weekend (Moderately Exciting)

Before coming to my parents house to recount his tale, a friend of mine went out on Friday night with a group of friends. Two of the people at the outing were an engaged couple, who obviously stood out amongst a backdrop of entirely single friends. At one point late in the night, it became painfully clear that the girl portion of this engaged couple was blatantly hitting on my friend. I know, I know, every female reading this is incredulously thinking, “What, did she bump into his arm at the bar? Did she congratulate him on a burp?” No. There is what men hopefully interpret as flirting and then there is the undeniable come-on of grinding your ass into someone else’s crotch, the body language equivalent of asking a guy if he has any porn you two could watch together.

This of course launches a massive dinner-table debate concerning the ethics of the situation:

Men: “Obviously there’s something wrong with the relationship and she’s crying out for help.”

Women: “She doesn’t sound like the kind of girl you would want to get involved with anyway.”

Me: “The question is: How far are you willing to go in your courageous efforts to prevent her from making the biggest mistake of her life?”

Friend: “I think I’m ready to be a hero.”

The Girlfriend: “What if her fiancé hunts you down?”

Friend: “I could definitely take him in a fight . . .”

The Girlfriend: “I mean hunts you down with a gun.”

Friend: “ . . . and then he’d have the upper hand.”

See what I mean? Would I trade scrubbing my bathtub for the possibility of getting shot? No way!

I would.

A Friend’s Brother’s Weekend (Very Exciting)

My friend’s brother, who is a senior in college, lives with his best friend and another roommate in an apartment off campus near their school. He has been dating a girl for about nine months and they have been pretty serious.

A couple of weeks ago, his two roommates decide to take a trip to Oregon. My friend’s brother has to stay home for school, but his girlfriend really wants to go with them. He says fine, because I guess in college these things happen, although it’s been so long I honestly don’t remember.

Flash forward to this past week when my friend’s brother comes back to his apartment after a long weekend away to find that his best friend has moved out and, subsequently, MOVED IN WITH HIS GIRLFRIEND! No word from his friend, only messages from his now ex-girlfriend saying she’s sorry and, you know, hopefully they can stay friends. On top of it all, it seems that his best friend has never even had a girlfriend before, allegedly having never even kissed a girl before.

That’s why I only date married men.

Now, I know you might not call this situation “exciting,” per se. But you certainly wouldn’t be bored if it was you. Indeed, you would probably be extremely excitable, prone to bouts of hysteria and fits of Machiavellian rage. They makes TV shows like “The OC” and “Judge Judy” about these type of situations! Of course they’re exciting! But not the GOOD kind of exciting.

So when it comes down to it, who had the best weekend here? Me, losing a little respect from my father but ultimately reaping the benefits of three course brunch and a clean shower? My friend, who might get stabbed? Or my friend’s brother who, I can only imagine, would read this and think “Boy, dickhead, brunch with your family, a girlfriend with a new haircut and an ass that won’t quit – yeah, you’ve got A LOT to complain about.”


Ha. And the poor kid had to tell the story again at Easter dinner for all the relatives who hadn't heard yet. I'm not sure he's finding it to be an "exciting" weekend just yet...

By Blogger Libby Mae Brown, at 1:37 PM  

it's spring - got to mate!

By Blogger kansas cattle queen, at 2:18 PM  

at least you got brunch. all i have from easter weekend is a serious hangover.

By Blogger Carrie Broadshoulders, at 3:03 PM  

I thought the same thing as I was getting off the train last night...and yet somehow still wound up wandering the streets at 1:00 am after a lot of beer. So, you know, you never know.

(Please stop talking about your fabulous ass. I get all distracte, and I wind up having to re-read sentences over and over again. Seriously, yo. Show some consideration for your readers.)

By Blogger RetroDragon, at 3:47 PM  

Without your humor, today would have been totally lame--lamer than being stabbed by a lover's fiance...

By Blogger Momentary Academic, at 3:55 PM  

Maybe it's not that you make your life sound interesting, but you tell the run-of-the-mill stuff in a clever, funny way. Hey, it made Seinfeld famous.

Excitement is WAY overrated. I'd pick my boring life over one filled with drama any time-- unless the drama is like winning the lottery, or growing a giant bunny in the image of Walter Matthau, or something.

By Blogger mysterygirl!, at 3:57 PM  

I totally agree about Easter degrading with age. Yesterday I watched a 3 year-old hunt Easter eggs with dollar bills inside. I tried to get in on it, but they kept taking the money away from me and giving it to the toddler.

And I'll see your brunch with the parents and raise you a shit-ton of awful Polish food with my boyfriend's family.

By Blogger Hope, at 4:54 PM  

Although I somewhat agree with you on the whole Easter sucking with age thing, I have to admit that my family's egg hunts are pretty intense. I allegedly knocked my dad to his knees yesterday, but I still claim he fell on his own. Good times.

What's in a Rob Roy??

By Blogger Erin Mc, at 5:51 PM  

The only excitement we really need is that of other people's problems. That's the only way that exciting is entertaining. Otherwise, we are just wishing that we were dead and not even noticing that our lives have become exciting. But I digress.

You may have had a boring time, but it sounds like you also had a good time.

Happy monday.

By Blogger Janet, at 10:16 PM  

Yikes! Poor guy. Why would the girl ever think they could be friends?

By Blogger shirley, at 12:20 AM  

If I had to chose, I'd pick your Easter over your friends, any day.

By Anonymous Katie, at 8:34 AM  

Wow. I actually heard the sound of your dad slapping your ass.

By Blogger hanmee, at 9:51 AM  

I think it's pretty obvious that the person who had the best weekend was your friend's brother's best friend.

By Blogger Tim, at 10:18 AM  

A friend told me about an adult Easter Egg hunt. They took the little bottle of achoal you can buy and hid it in the eggs and let the adults look for it.

Sounds better then the over 4000 Easter Eggs I had for the Easter Egg Hunt for my community. (It is a pain in the ass to fill all those eggs)

By Blogger Hunny, at 11:31 AM  

I'm gonna have to go with #2 here. You are Dull. Sorry Dan, but girlfriend guys who are faithful (which you are as far as I can tell) are boring. #3 would just straight up suck. I'd rather spend the weekend in jail. #2 had a little sexual spark with a forbidden woman, but not enough to get killed for.

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 7:16 PM  

in all my years in college (5 so far) have i yet to see some chick go roadtripping with her bf's buddies sans her bf. this dude should have seen this coming a mile away.

maybe i'm just cynical...

By Blogger Jane, at 3:46 AM  

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