The Daily Dump

A place where everyone (me) is welcomed to express their opinions openly and honestly. I encourage free thinking, free wheeling, off-the-cuff banter and monetary donations.

Tuesday, April 18

Trapped! Like A Puppy In A Chickenwire Pen . . .

I am absolutely drowning in work lately. It’s as though everyone else in the office had a meeting, and someone made a huge banner with Print Shop to hang over the conference room table that read “WE JUST REALIZED DAN DOESN’T DO ENOUGH WORK!” and everyone wore hats and ate cake and sat around brainstorming about things they can get me to do.

It got to the point today where, after coming in two hours late (that story to follow in the near future), which isn’t bad considering I’m usually a half an hour late as it is, so really that’s only an hour and a half late, I was greeted with a literal MOUND of paper on my desk. I mean, not even a neatly organized stack of paper, but a heap, a pile, a hoarding jumble of papers!, each with different post-it notes containing two word instructions like “by noon” or “follow up.”

Some hours later, when I had whittled the pile down to only a few items left, one of my bosses came out with two entirely new documents to work on. Something in me snapped and we had this exchange:

Boss: “Make these two things a priority. Can you have them done by the end of the day?”

Me: “Sure, definitely. But I’m going to have to put off sweeping the chimney until tomorrow.”

Oh the regret! As soon as it came out of my mouth. It wasn’t said with malice or even sarcasm or bitterness. It was just said. So immediately, before anything else could be spoken, I did the only thing I could do and laughed the big, fake laugh of a corporate man who enjoys his own jokes so much that he can’t possibly wait for anyone else to laugh first. Then I turned around in my seat and picked up the phone to make a fake phone call.

Point being: Don’t worry, as soon as I find a way to work around this new power restructuring I’ll be back to writing and reading blogs for three quarters of the day, the way it should be.

By the way, if any large publishing houses are reading this, I’m available at a moment’s notice. And I type twenty five words a minute, as long as at least ten of them are small, common words.


You're ready for the big time. I wish that I had a publishing house in which you could spend your days goofing off.

By Blogger Momentary Academic, at 5:05 PM  

I love your description of your office-life. I completely picture you working in the movie Office Space, especially when you make comments like, "one of my bosses."

Mostly I'm jealous that you're smart enough to not let anyone you work with know you have a blog so you can vent about corporate nonsense. Oh, how my blog would be 12 times longer if I could write about office atrocities. I can only imagine that it's a good stress reliever.

By Blogger undercover celebrity, at 7:22 PM  

Heh, Bosses! You know, our bosses should get together, since mine is already quite familiar with your work habits, and by 'work habits,' I mean your tendency to post photos of underage sitcom girls in bikinis on your website. Ever hear of NSFW? /laugh track

Oh, man, seriously, I used to do the fake phone call with my boss hovering over me until that time I accidentally dialed her cell phone. /laugh track

It was on 'silent' and when it 'rang' I said, 'Hey, Boss lady, is that a vibrator in your pocket or are you just happy to be seeing me?' HEYY-OHH /crickets

Okay, none of the above was true. But one thing IS true, and that's that you better show yourself this Saturday 'cause your fan club is expecting you.

By Blogger ducklet, at 9:11 PM  

You're for real in publishing? Penguin's hiring a ton of production people, and I manage to fit in a lotta blog time! (don't tell them that part in your interview)

By Blogger shirley, at 9:43 PM  

My boss lives and works in Chicago, I live and work in Minneapolis.

I talk to my boss once every three months which is why I am still employed.

I feel your pain.

By Blogger Jenni, at 9:58 PM  

Note to publishing houses: that chimny sweeping reference was right out of Charles Dickens, proving Dan as well-read and well-educated. Hire him!

By Blogger Neil, at 11:10 PM  

Publishing, (as I know it) tends to allow an a-okay amount of downtime - for better or for worse.

But, the puppies! The puppies!!

By Blogger p_is_for_payj, at 1:03 AM  

Oh, I love the big fake corporate guffaw. I could just imagine your boss looking perplexed and then walking away shaking his head. He may think you've gone crazy, which might end up lightening your workload. You're a genius!

P.S. Your word verification word today is shzyt. I feel a bit like Snoop Dog.

By Blogger Carolyn, at 9:05 AM  

HA--this post, and furthermore, this blog is hilarious.

Oh the fake laugh--when you can actually hear the words, "hhaawwh haawwh."


By Blogger K, at 8:10 PM  

Do we work for the same company? No, I'm serious....

By Blogger Alicia, at 12:48 PM  

Loooove the puppies! And I blog 3/4 of my day, too. If not more. It's pretty ridiculous. Can't wait to read more of your blog! (And is it just me or do you have a really high percentage of hot readers? Look at those people above who commented before me! Damn!)

By Blogger liberalbanana, at 3:29 PM  

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