The Daily Dump

A place where everyone (me) is welcomed to express their opinions openly and honestly. I encourage free thinking, free wheeling, off-the-cuff banter and monetary donations.

Wednesday, April 26

The Yearly Dump


So yesterday after I finished typing my post in Word (like I always do), and rereading it and giggling and sighing with delight I hit “Save As” and typed in “04-25,” as in the date on which it was written, which is how I have named my posts from the start. Then I hit enter and a message popped up on the screen reading, “The file 04-25 already exists.”

Apparently, I’ve been writing this thing for an entire year now. I can assure you that when I first saved a post as “04-25” it never once entered my mind that at some point I would have to account not only for the day and month but also for the year. And plenty of times, quite recently too, I have thought, in my unmitigated love of round numbers, to quit at the one year mark. Then I obviously lost track of time.

Really, though, when I think about it, wanting to quit was more of a winter malaise than anything else. You know – the holidays are over, it’s dark at 5:00, you’re sick all the time, your girlfriend keeps having surgeries and there’s only so many times you can write about “CSI” (11).

But then I went Olympic crazy, and then organic crazy, then Pania Rose crazy, then game show crazy, and, as crazy as it sounds, I’m loving it as much as ever.

Still I figured that I should do something at the one year mark, just to memorialize the previous year and also to get ready for the next. And what I decided to do was clean out my drafts folder. Because, actually, I don’t have a drafts folder. I have an “ideas” folder. And it’s not so much a folder as it is scribbles jotted down on the backs of envelopes and post-it notes. And, to be honest, they’re not so much “ideas” as they are sentences that, at one time, I honestly believed could be considered ideas. I can be quite retarded.

• “I was leaving the bathroom as a guy was finishing up at a urinal. I open the door to leave and as I’m passing through I see out of the corner of my eye the guy who was at the urinal following me. And he huffs like he’s pissed I didn’t hold the door for him. WTF? Wash your hands.”

(Um . . . hmm. Yeah. I guess that’s the end of the post.)

• “On the Being Poor Scale, where does putting out your cigarette halfway through and saving the rest for later rank?”

(The “Being Poor Scale?” Really? I also remember thinking, “The highest ranking can be ‘dying in a box.’” Blogroll me, seriously!)

• It’s like the feeling you get when you walk into a men’s room and see that there’s someone in a stall. You know he’s cursing you and you can play this one of two ways – you can hurry through, knowing this guy is in a cold sweat clenching back a shit, or you can say “I rush for no one,” and take your time, essentially making yourself this guy’s number one enemy.

(The longest, most inapplicable metaphor in history. My grade school English teacher always said to write like you would talk in a conversation. Can’t you picture me saying to someone, “I don’t know, I was just so put off by the whole thing. You know it was like the feeling you get when you walk into a men’s room . . .”)

• “My apartment: where Tupperware come to die.”

(Even more interesting: how, at the time, I planned on making this interesting.)

• “It’s as good a strategy as catching bullets to throw back at your enemy.”

(Which isn’t a good strategy?)

• “You don’t like the co-worker who keeps ketchup packets in their desk until the day comes where you get French fries with lunch and forget to ask for ketchup.”

(I think I was planning an entire post about “Things you don’t like about your co-workers” and then I realized that I may as well write a post about “Things you don’t like about cancer.”)

• “Reminds me of the time my girlfriend wanted to change the locks to her apartment because she woke up one morning and realized she had left her keys in the front door. Obviously a killer had come up, removed the keys, taken them to an all night hardware store, made copies, brought her keys BACK (to avoid suspicion) and planned on returning at a later date to kill her.”

(100% true. [20% cute / 8% troublesome / 72% meaningless])

• “Tense like those moments right when you know that you’ve just clogged the toilet.”

(I don’t know how a toilet metaphor snuck in here . . .)

• “My pet peeve – naturally ugly people.”

(FYI, this was jotted down on the back of an envelope I never opened. Looked at it today and turns out it’s the return envelope for the $25 donation I promised my alma mater over the phone a couple of months ago. Ladies – please stop calling. I’m in a relationship. Please.)

• This picture


Possible caption: “I'm an asshole.”

• “Overrated: Listening to music in the shower.”

(Also overrated: my “ideas.")

• “It’s like when I got the flu the day after eating an Italian hero from a deli near my work. Of course it wasn’t the hero that gave me the flu, but I haven’t been able to eat there ever since.”

(Actually, the deli in question closed down about a month later, so it probably was the hero that gave me the flu.)

• “You shouldn’t have to wash potatoes if you’re just going to peel them.”

(Comment away!)

• “I have much more trouble with button fly pants than a 26 year old guy should.”

(Really, seriously. Blogroll me.)

• “I’m scared to think of what might happen to me with a few good nights of sleep. It could go either way: either I become astoundingly productive and this blog takes on the quality of The New Yorker (if The New Yorker were funny and wrote about poop and if I actually had “sources” and “informed opinions”); or, I no longer grapple with bouts of mania and self-engrandizement and I drop this thing altogether for more noble pursuits, like running a charity . . . or making a donation to a charity.”

(Still haven’t had a decent night of sleep; although it’s safe to assume that the writing quality here isn’t changing anytime soon. Unless I stop drinking. So like I said, no time soon.)

30 Comments:

The fact that you had "self-engrandizement" jotted down on a post-it or the back of an envelope is impressive in and of itself.

By Blogger Libby Mae Brown, at 4:41 PM  

At the risk of sounding smarmy, you probably COULD write about having trouble with button-fly pants and make it funny. I aspire to write the kind of poop stories you do!

By Blogger Leezer, at 4:55 PM  

Does it say I'm a good friend or that I'm unhealthly friend that I can remember you mentioning half that stuff to me on IM, Phone or In Person?

Happy Birthday.

By Blogger tall 1, at 4:56 PM  

Someday you will be sorry that you made fun of me when Key Killer returns to chop us both into bits. Not only will we be dead, but the police won't be able to solve the crime because there will be NO SIGN OF FORCED ENTRY.

By Blogger T.G., at 5:14 PM  

HAPPY BLOGGER BIRTHDAY! For the record, DRINK UP cuz I love your blog! ...especially since my co-workers seem to walk by whenever I'm laughing and I have to come up with a good excuse as why it seems like I'm laughing at them.
And I agree with Viscountess - a blog about your trouble with button-fly pants (or your strange enounters in the men's room) could be very entertaining!

By Blogger lena, at 5:32 PM  

I think the most important issue here, which you all seem to be ignoring, is: Do you also wash the potatoes after you peel them, or do you only wash once, while the skin is still on?
Happy blog birthday.

By Blogger Cherry Ride, at 5:40 PM  

I'm sad that I know, you share a blog birthday with waiterrant.com.

who spends too much time blog lurking and not working???

you keep good company though his blog is 2. he makes a great big brother.

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 5:56 PM  

Happy Blog Birthday (?)

By Blogger Kaschief, at 6:10 PM  

Sorry about the small penis thing Dan....oh wait...tg meant the door...never mind. Happy Birthday!

By Blogger Kevin, at 6:31 PM  

Ok, so seriously. Which guy are you in yesterday's picture?

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 6:34 PM  

In the "blogosphere" [whatever that is], this might be called a Blogiversary. Lame? Yes.

Not lame? "Tense like those moments right when you know that you’ve just clogged the toilet." That'd be a killer!

And, as for the picture identifying - are you the first guy, on the left, in the front row?

By Blogger Kelly, at 10:42 PM  

BI:
Why wouldn't you write about being "Tense, like those moments right when you know that you’ve just clogged the toilet.”

Excuse the shameless self-promotion, but I've actually written about clogging the toilet. See:

http://yeoldeblogshoppe.eponym.com/blog/BowlOMisery

By Blogger Leezer, at 11:42 PM  

Your parenthetical notes of explanation had me cracking up. I honestly think this was your best post yet. I'm so glad you didn't quit at a year!

By Blogger Carolyn, at 1:30 AM  

You know, poop is something that should be written about and discussed more often.

Like last night during dinner when the topic of dingleberries and the shaving of a cats ass to prevent dingleberries was brought up. TOTALLY appropriate for a classy restaurant, because my middle name is class...or swank...whatever.

By Blogger Jenni, at 9:38 AM  

it's like we are Bizarro doppelgangers. in my own 'MYdeas folder':

1. i no longer grapple with bouts of Maria

and

2. ...more noble pursuits, like ruining a charity

By Blogger ducklet, at 11:45 AM  

I think you should have created a post where the only thing it said was, "My pet peeve – naturally ugly people." I would have died laughing. Honest to God, died. Hell, I about died laughing anyway. Hilarios post.

By Blogger Hope, at 12:33 PM  

Too Funny!!!

I'm still laughing over the Being Poor scale. Why are poor people so funny? :)

By Blogger undercover celebrity, at 12:50 PM  

You do seem to get funnier. I'm not envious. Not one bit.

By Blogger Momentary Academic, at 1:16 PM  

nooo...gotta be the second guy from the right..

By Blogger Kevin, at 1:46 PM  

Happy Blogiversary. You could write a whole post on what a dumb word "blogiversary" is.

Glad you kept at the whole blogging thing, as even your half-assed ideas are still pretty damn amusing.

By Blogger felicity, at 1:48 PM  

Just yesterday I gathered together all my wayward ketchup packets and dumped them into an empty paperclip box. It was the most satifying thing I did all day.

By Anonymous Leah, at 2:42 PM  

TG, you never fail to make me laugh!

By Blogger belligerent mother, at 2:48 PM  

Oh Brednan, always the voice of frivolity.

By Blogger [Disgrundled], at 3:03 PM  

You think what everyone else says just you have more courage to saying it out loud. Ie the toilet thing. Although mi hermanita and I discussed it just the other day about taking craps in public places and trying to hold it and letting go between flushes. I really dont care and will do it anywhere. I am not going to hurt myself cause you dont want to hear or smell it.

Putas

By Blogger Softball Slut, at 3:26 PM  

I must say that the best was when you went "organic crazy".
I'm chuckling now (WTF, chuckling??) thinking about the deoderant.

By Blogger Heather B., at 4:13 PM  

Happy blogiversary. Your idea envelopes sound a lot like mine... although your toilet ratio beats mine by about 3:1. Woot!

By Blogger mysterygirl!, at 5:19 PM  

Well, you crap (oh shit that was a total typo but I'm going to keep it) me up, so I for one am glad that you have kept writing. And I totally had you blogrolled the minute I realized we shared a crush on Nicole Eggert.

By Blogger Jill, at 5:55 PM  

For the record, I don't wash the potatoes before I peel 'em. I think we need a blog to explore this in depth...
And, seriously - which one are you? My vote is also for the first on the left of the bottom row.

By Blogger lena, at 7:57 PM  

TG I did the same thing a few weeks ago with the keys. Went NUTS the next morning looking for them until I gave up after an hour only to open the door and see them hanging out of the lock. Also did it with my car...also I have alzhiemers.

By Blogger de Kooning's Spleen, at 10:51 AM  

Hapopy One Year. Acouple days late, but whatever. I guess it's a good thing that we don't follow up on all out ideas, isn't it, Dan? Although perhaps, when you get lazy, you can do a couple weeks of two sentence posts like that. And you seem to have an odd obsession with men's rooms.

By Blogger White Dade, at 6:04 PM  

Post a Comment

Links to this post:

<\$BlogItemBacklinkCreate\$>

<< Home