The Daily Dump

A place where everyone (me) is welcomed to express their opinions openly and honestly. I encourage free thinking, free wheeling, off-the-cuff banter and monetary donations.

Thursday, May 25

Adventures In Things The Girlfriend Doesn’t Want Me To Bring Into Her Home, Volume 2

When I got them: Once a year for the past two years. But the journey started long before that . . .

How they came into my possession: I won them. Ripped them from the hands of competitors over the course of two long football seasons. I could go into it more than that, could tell you the extended “how” including picking up a guy named Tom Brady (YOU MAY HAVE HEARD FO HIM) or a no-name workhorse receiver known as Hines Ward (SUPERBOWL MVP, HMM?). But I’ll just leave it at “I won them.” [more solemnly] “I won them.”

Why I like them: For so many reasons, not the least of which being that drafting Ladanian Tomlinson his rookie year in the 12th round of my keeper league may prove to be one of my life’s greatest accomplishments. Long after I die, I want my grandchildren, and everyone else’s grandchildren, to know what I accomplished – how I sat in front of my computer pouring over football players’ stats longer and harder than any man with a job and a girlfriend should.

Why she hates them: I’m sure there’s a list of about 75 reasons, but I’ll take the top 3:

1. They are a constant reminder of how every October I become a worse boyfriend, one prone to telephone conversations at work such as

TG: “Hey how are you?”

Me: (frantic) “I can’t talk, I’m really busy.”

TG: “You’re reading football stories, aren’t you.”

2. They are ugly. (I don’t think it’s real wood.)

3. There’s no telling how many plaques I may win over the course of my lifetime (40?). If I’m allowed to display these two, where does it end? (Hint: It ends with our child having its crib in “the trophy room.”)



Relationships are all about compromise. Tell her how much they mean to you, and that if you have to give up something that means that much to you, then she should give up something that means equally as much to her cat or maybe a kidney (who needs two?).

By Blogger HomeImprovementNinja, at 11:25 AM  

Perhaps you could store them somewhere in the hopes that you and the girlfriend will build a house where you can put them in a special display case?

And I did have chicken last night!

By Blogger Momentary Academic, at 11:28 AM  

I thought you said you were a good decorator and SHE wasn't. I am all for men having their Man Stuff and we can all see how much those mean to you - but goddamn. THOSE ARE UGLY.

By Blogger liberalbanana, at 11:44 AM  

So does this mean you're taking that other guy's advice and knocking her up to solve the bedtime temperature issues? You mentioned children several times in this post.

A plaque is not necessarily to prove that you are the best fantasy football player in the world. You don't need no stinking plaque. You know you're the champ.

By Blogger Carrie Broadshoulders, at 11:46 AM  

I do Yahoo Fantasy Football and that's all I talk about come the fall/winter season. Several of us at work do it and we bore to tears anyone listening to us. I was in 2 leagues this past season, 1 public, 1 private and I did pretty well in the public but I've never been awarded a plaque or trophy or anything.

I pretty much got a "YOU SUCK" medal the first year I played. I have it hanging from a stuffed Browns bear's neck...

By Anonymous circe, at 11:49 AM  

At this point in the game, I'ma gonna call bullshit. You canNOT be serious about this sense of decorating ability you claimed to have a few posts ago. OR, you can't be serious about actually wanting to hang these items up in your new apartment. Not sure which one is true, but I have a feeling we'll find out eventually.

Can't wait to see what the next items are...

By Blogger Faith, at 11:50 AM  

I had to put my foot down over a shrine to the Vikings. But I did recently give in on the XBox 360 battle.

All men need a guy's room where they can put this kind of stuff. J's still waiting for his. He has two 3' x 3' boxes of oldass (he calls them "antique") beer cans just waiting for their spots in the future room.

By Blogger Jess Riley, at 11:52 AM  

Ah jesus, I hang out with a group of ten guys and they ALL PLAY! I wish they would win so they would quit bitching and dominating every conversation with this crap. I say keep them- you earned them, you have accomplished what none of the men I know have done. You are every man's envy.

By Blogger Betty, at 11:55 AM  

Okay- so I am older than your average reader and have been married twice. The mom of three and my husband is the VP of a huge company. We live in a snobby area of Silicon Valley where the lawns all match. I put up my favorite sign by the front door that says, "Hippies must use back door." and one in the kitchen that says, "Warning! Loose women and poker players known to frequent this establishment." And yes, I host parties and playdates (for 7 year olds) and my husband isn't crazy about the signs. But, he loves my uniqueness and wouldn't dream of asking me not to put up a freakin' sign. Compromise is for buying a home and deciding to have kids- expressing yourself by decor is a right!

By Blogger Fig, at 11:58 AM  

By the way- the joke is that I am a hippie and you wouldn't believe the number of people dressed in suits that joke about needing to find the backdoor.

By Blogger Fig, at 12:00 PM  

I'm with TG on this one. Those are BUTT ugly. You mentioned not wanting to be associated in any way with NASCAR? Well the FOOTBALL plaques make NASCAR look like high tea.

TG might take pity on you and give you your own room in which you might display your - AHEM - decorating style, but if I were TG, that room would be basement storage. What are you going to dig up next? A garden gnome?

By Blogger Leezer, at 12:03 PM  

I'd have to say "PASS."

If I were her I'd let you hang them in the closet...the BACK of the closet. That way when you go to get dressed every morning you can bask in your own glory without making everyone else who enters you house bask with you. Or have to look at their inherent God-awfulness.

By Blogger Jenni, at 12:06 PM  

As a male I have to commend your ability, but those things are not worth keeping. If anything they should be systematically destroyed to insipre next season's journey. We all have to pick our battles, this may not be worth fighting.
You are at a distinct disadvantage beacuse you're moving on to her turf though. Add in that this in an apt. not a house and I see your dilemna. No rec room, basement or car-hole to call your own. I think you need to go on the offensive and nix some of her beloved objects.

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 12:27 PM  

You got to maintain your identity even when you merge your living quarters....keep them gosh dangit!

By Blogger Krissi, at 1:07 PM  

Those are perfect for later on when you have a garage or a metal storage shed to decorate; don't let the light ruin them by hanging them in an imperfect spot now.

By Blogger Margaret, at 1:10 PM  

Unbelivable that you get so many negative comments about these, but there were so many positive ones about the sign. Burn the sign. Immediately. These you should keep. If you don't have a guy's room, box them until you have a larger place.

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 1:10 PM  

This post makes me want to be a lesbian.

Ironic really, because with the "Bath" sign I found myself questioning your sexuality.

By Blogger Cupcake, at 2:37 PM  

Keep them. As a female who out-traded and out-smarted every male in my fantasy league last year and ultimately won the whole thing, I say that those are huge tokens of accomplishment--you shouldn't get rid of them for her or anyone else. If someone took my plaque from me, I feel that I would die a little death and it would be a dark day for the fantasy sports world.

By Anonymous Carla, at 4:14 PM  

Oh man, if I were TG, I would be begging you to keep the Bath sign, only if you got rid of these.

But this is coming from a 24 year old who just parted ways with her dried High School dance corsages.

By Blogger Erin Mc, at 4:56 PM  

DAn, seriously, please tell me you have more for your trophy room than fantasy football trophies. PLEASE!

By Blogger White Dade, at 6:16 PM  

Keep them. In a box. A box of memories of when you were single.

By Blogger babyoog, at 9:25 AM  

Ugly as they may be, you should keep them. After all, they are trophies of your ever so important accomplishments.

By Blogger ❉ pixie ❉, at 10:23 AM  

Those are hideous, as I suspect you actually know, but you enjoy yanking TG's chain. Those make me grateful for the ugly t-shirts my husband wins in his Fantasy Baseball League. TG, I feel your pain, I really do.

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 3:50 PM  

I love the sign! Keep it, hang it when/where you can.

The plaques though need to have a "guy room." You could keep them in a box in case you ever get one.

TG: if it's between the sign and the plaques, let him keep the sign.

By Anonymous hoosiermeeshee, at 9:51 PM  

Jeezy creezy, those are hideous. Like, throw-in-the-trash ugly, but I think any reasonable woman would settle for just hiding them in the basement.

By Blogger Fraulein N, at 2:47 PM  

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