The Daily Dump

A place where everyone (me) is welcomed to express their opinions openly and honestly. I encourage free thinking, free wheeling, off-the-cuff banter and monetary donations.

Tuesday, May 2

Cool Runnings, And Other Puns For Another Post About My Refrigerator

About two years ago I moved into my current apartment. It was less a move of choice and more a move of force. I loved the apartment I had before this one: decent sized bedroom, two closets, exposed brick, and, best of all, it was three blocks from the subway, which, to a suburbanite, is the equivalent of having a loving companion who never gets bored with you. OK, so that’s not exactly an “equivalent,” but Lord it was the happiest time in my life. Indeed, my current apartment is two avenues over and one block up from the nearest subway, and one morning not so long ago I made it to the subway station only to realize that I had forgotten my wallet, leading me to immediately think, “I would trade a kick in the nuts for my wallet right now. I honestly would.”

But then the owners of my building decided to turn it into a co-op, meaning they would offer me my apartment at the steep discount of $320,000. I had about $300 in the bank at the time, so I did what any self-respecting man would do and turned them down, packed up my things, urinated in the bathtub and left for my new home, which, to be honest, is a something of a gem itself considering the Manhattan housing market. Throw some paint on the walls, take down that ugly protective grate over the window leading to the easily-accessible-from-the-outside fire escape, rewire some of the outlets in a possibly dangerous but more convenient manner and the place really came together. Except for one thing – the refrigerator.

The apartment came with one of those refrigerators that doesn’t have a real freezer. I mean, it has a freezer, but the freezer is inside the refrigerator. And it is what they cleverly refer to as a “manual defrost” model – manual meaning “by hand” and defrost meaning “scrape a thick layer of ice out of your freezer every few months.” Not exactly the height of modernity. (What got me was that it was brand new! Meaning that someone is still selling these technological rejects, convinced there is a market for people who want to be actively involved in their refrigerators’ lives.)

Now I’m not a prima donna who needs to have everything his way, but actually I’m lying and yes, I am. Especially when it comes to any vessel that holds my food. And a freezer that maxes out its capacity with one box of Eggos, two ice trays and a pint of ice cream is, frankly, an insult to anyone who enjoys eating. Clearly something needed to be done. My mother must have known this, seeing as how we would have phone conversations that went like this:

Me: “Hello?”

Mom: “Hey, it’s me. How are you?”

Me: “I hate my refrigerator.”

Because then, on my birthday, I was presented with a gift – a new refrigerator, one with a distinct and separate freezer. I was overjoyed, not even remotely distraught over the fact that I was 25 years old and excited to get a refrigerator. It was delivered a few weeks later and my life was changed for the better instantly. It was like making a new friend, only instead of talking to you and watching movies with you he kept your food cold. I loved him.

Until he betrayed me.

Which brings us right up to this post. I’ll give you a second to read it because none of this is going to make sense if you don’t. Seriously, I’m going to stop typing now because you need to read that, even if you hate clicking on links in posts. And don’t even think about just abandoning this halfway through – it’s one frigging link, you can read it. I know you can.

. . . . .

Rereading that post myself, I am renewed with the anger of my refrigerator’s treason. What happened after that, in short, is a six month long, absurdly complicated returns process including three visits by a refrigerator repair guy (who informed me that this fancy “automatic defrost” model wasn’t, in fact, defrosting), two letters to the maker of the refrigerator, two trips to The Girlfriend’s apartment with refrigeration-required items in tow in an attempt to save them (a full jar of mayonnaise, oh the humanity . . .) all culminating in a conversation I had with the guy from whom my mother originally bought the unit wherein he basically says, “OK, we’ll credit your with a refund. But we need to come and pick up the refrigerator.”

Meaning that if I wanted any semblance of a cooling box in my apartment I would have to retrieve the manual defrost model I had banished to my building’s basement. Meaning that, a year and a half later, I am again incapable of storing normal amounts of frozen foods. Meaning that it is perhaps time, once again, for the Annual Appliance Rating. Thus I bring you . . .

The Second Annual Appliance Rating


Oven: I’m using the same picture I used of you last time because you are really really dirty right now and, quite frankly, an embarrassment. But that’s no fault of yours – I’ve come to understand that “self-cleaning” doesn’t exactly mean self-cleaning. So I’ll work on that. Then there was that time you were leaking gas from one of your burners and it smelled like rotten eggs and me, not knowing where the smell was coming from, light a candle in the kitchen to mask the odor. Again, probably my fault (also not my best moment). Bottom line is, when I need something cooked, you cook it.


Toilet: No clogs since last review. There seems to be some sort of screw coming loose at your base, but the last time I sat down I wiggled a little and nothing seemed to move, so I guess it’s OK.


Trash bin: This pains me, it really does. But you’re falling apart. You stink all the time, you’ve got rust patches forming and your lid doesn’t even open anymore when I step on the pedal. I suppose, as with all great machines, I couldn’t expect you to perform forever. Just know that I appreciate how you’ve held yourself together, and raged against the dying of the light.


Fan: I’m still a big fan [of that joke]. (P.S. great pose.)


Sink: You have withstood the test of time and proven to be one of the best purchases I have ever made. If we were all characters on “Big Love” and I was Bill Paxton, you would be my first wife, the one who, after all these years, I can still rely on and, moreover, am still sexually attracted to.


New (old) refrigerator: I don’t know what to say. It’s like when you break up with a girl and go on convincing yourself that your new girlfriend is awesome because she wears lingerie, but then you find out your new girlfriend pronounces it “expecially” and suddenly you feel guilty for taking your old girlfriend for granted. Maybe in my younger years I wanted it all. But I’ve matured – I know now the value of dependability and reliability and I think we can make this work.

(Sidenote: Little does Refrigerator know, the only reason I can put up with its incapacity for capacity is because I am moving out of my current apartment at the end of this month. Oh don’t worry, you’ll hear much, much more on the topic. Things like “Moving is worse than being shot in the face” and “Pills, goddamnit, I need pills! Would someone just please get me some pills.” Stay tuned.)

27 Comments:

I'm supposing the pathetic description of your trash bin is a hint for me to get buying?

By Blogger belligerent mother, at 1:09 PM  

Sweet Jesus...with your fridge, and my bush, we're just one big fucking mess.

Except the fact that I can still drink milk, and use mayonaise on my sandwiches.

By Blogger Jenni, at 1:10 PM  

That's really one of the most unruly bushes I've ever seen. And I've dated Russians.

By Blogger the belligerent intellectual, at 1:15 PM  

Okay, I'm confused. You're renting right? So how are you buying a new refrigerator? Doesn't the old one belong to the building/owner? Help me out here, I'm feeling retarded.

By Blogger liberalbanana, at 1:25 PM  

I've had one of those "manual" fridges before. I had to constantly perform a difficult cost/benefit analysis about when to defrost. Defrosting takes time, but the longer you wait the bigger the ice gets and you can fit less and less food. THe question becomes how much frozen food are you willing to forgo until you defrost.

I usually let the ice build up until the ice-cube tray gets fused to the glacier.

By Blogger HomeImprovementNinja, at 1:32 PM  

I bought a new refrigerator and relegated the old one to storage, but never threw it away. I paid for the new one, which subsequently broke, making it necessary to begin using the old one again. Basically, all you need to know is that, as a renter, I have never really been a big believer in "guidelines" or "rules." I kind of just make pretend I own the place.

By Blogger the belligerent intellectual, at 1:40 PM  

I can't wait for the move...I think we should do a live blog for it.

It'll be FAN-tastic*.

*Pun intended

By Blogger tall 1, at 1:55 PM  

I am LOVING the annual appliance review. But moreover, I am loving the comparison of girlfriends, and how "expecially" disqualifies one, even whilst wearing lingerie. HILARIOUS!

By Blogger undercover celebrity, at 2:04 PM  

I understand that you're trying to stay on your new/old fridge's good side lest you piss him off and he stops working for you, but c'mon. A fridge with the little freezer inside is lame! At best it deserves a grade of C - I think you're being too lenient.

And PS - Joe Pesci was buried in a cornfield at the end of "Casino" not the desert.

By Blogger Cherry Ride, at 2:19 PM  

BI: I feel your pain. Our fridge is so evil that, despite duct-taping the railing-thingies on the inside of the door in place, I still can't put anything heavier than a kumquat on the f**king shelves. More fundamentally, however, I don't believe that the bottle of Pantene Pro-V really belonged to T.G. Question: How much did you have to clean the old one after you decided to use it again? Did you clean it?

By Blogger Leezer, at 3:40 PM  

Oh, this brings back so many memories of my manual defrosting fridge. The new one that didn't work too well -- did it happen to be made by General Electric?

By Anonymous Neil, at 4:05 PM  

I look forward to hearing about the new set of problems you've yet to uncover in your new apartment. Woohoo!

Sorry about the fridge. The only place I've seen one of those was in the basement of my grandparents' house-- it was where they'd keep the ice cream sundae-cups.

By Blogger mysterygirl!, at 4:10 PM  

I had the horror of finding my refrigerator broken just yesterday when I opened it for a cool, crisp drink of water and found that everything is warm. In fact it's down right hot in there, so I feel your pain and appreciate the laugh as I grapple with the reality that this may be all my fault.

Two weeks ago I had the BRILLANT idea of turning off the refrigerator to defrost the (separate) freezer. I was so excited about this plan and its outcome I told everyone I was working AND defrosting my fridge (think old “I’m cleaning my oven commercial”).

I rushed home and was more than pleased with the result and myself. I felt very grown up and responsible. Now I am just very sad and drinking warm water.

By Blogger Under-Employed Girl, at 4:45 PM  

so... does this mean you're ganna pee in your bathtub in a couple weeks? eeew!!!
p.s. I read there was a big fire in Brooklyn, glad to see you're still up-and-blogging! :)
p.p.s. is it weird that your blog was the first thing I thought of when I read that?

By Blogger lena, at 5:04 PM  

I have one of those old fridges, if you don't mind the mess, (water, water, everywhere) take a blowdryer to the glacier. Gets it over with fast.

By Anonymous hoosiermeeshee, at 5:35 PM  

Yes. Moving does blow. Big time. I love the stove.

By Blogger Momentary Academic, at 5:50 PM  

One of the things I am looking forward to when moving. I hate my fridge. The freezer molds, the entire thing smells like rotting onions despite the fact I rarely ever keep onions in there and it makes these creepy noises in the middle of the night that had me screaming, "Mary and Joseph! I'm gonna die!" Only to realize that it was the damn fridge.

Oh, and I suggest that when you move, you leave your rusting trash can there and stop by Crate and Barrel on the way to your new apartment or house or whatever you are moving into.

By Blogger Janet, at 9:28 PM  

Okay, I've been an on again, off again reader of your blog for awhile now - I am definitely "on" after reading this post. I laughed out loud, I cried, I raised my eyebrows with concern - it was fantastic - hilarious infact.

By Blogger rawbean, at 9:55 PM  

I had one of those refrigerators when I first moved out on my own. Since I worked and went to school all the time, I rarely bought food, much less frozen food. Oh, the horror when I moved out of scraping out what seemed like a foot of ice out of that freezer!

On a side note, why is it that the pedals on trash cans always break. I've given up on them and bought the cheapo version that just swings back and forth ... until the trash can gets to full, and you have to push it open the maximum of once inch to squeeze trash through. Or take off the lid put the trash in and then cram the lid back on.

By Blogger Carolyn, at 9:57 PM  

We had one of those frosty fridges growing up. It came with the house my parents bought in 81 except it was a separate freezer (you just had to manually defrost), but they replaced it before the 90s I'm sure.

Oh, and I actually just brought in a gallon jug of milk into the office b/c I go through it like crazy. I go through them even quicker at home.

Look forward to the moving rants as I'm an aficionado when it comes to horrible, frequent moves. I am amazed how many times I managed to get my male coworkers to move me in and out of apartments so many times within 2 years.

After our third-to-last WRETCHED move, we decided we were never ever EVER going to move our stuff ourselves again. And after our second-to-last move, we decided we were never ever EVER going to pack our own stuff again. We've held to that.

By Blogger hanmee, at 8:18 AM  

I'm diappointed. I'll overlook the fact that you made us read an old post to understand this post, but you took the old fridge back?!? It wasn't good enough for you the first time, why do you think it will work out now? Down the road you're going to end up hurt and I hate to see you do this to yourself. Time and time again I see you let old fridges back into your life. You need to move on and find a new fridge that you can fully apperciate.

By Blogger Tim, at 10:53 AM  

I will fully appreciate your moving horrors. As someone who has moved literally 20-25 times in 10 years maybe more, it never gets better. Yes someday I shall buy a house, but Austin is farkin expensive too. May you new appliances be just as good, and may your new fridge work well.

Putas

By Blogger Softball Slut, at 11:38 AM  

"Expecially" is pretty bad, but I hate "supposably" even more.

By Blogger NancyPearlWannabe, at 12:02 PM  

Funny surprise this morning to see myself under your "Blogs That Make Me Want To Be a Better Man" listing. In fact, that's the reason I started that damn thing - to inspire others to achieve greatness, in spite of their own, often sizable, limitations. Or maybe I meant my own sizable limitations. In fact, that's probably the case. Cheers, though.

By Blogger David, at 12:12 PM  

A strange irony of trash bin is that those without lids stink less than those with lids. I think the lid allows the trash to heat up and ferment a bit.

Good luck with the move!

By Anonymous jamy, at 12:31 PM  

The best part may have been when you compared your sink to a first wife, whom you could be sexually attracted to.

Huzzah!

By Blogger Kelly, at 3:25 PM  

I had a refrigerator much the same. Luckily it broke and I got a new one.

PS That was a funny post (however not funny enough that I will come back tommorow, but for sure next week)

By Blogger Big Ben, at 6:10 PM  

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